The Mask I Wear, the Faces You See · 2:04pm Sep 7th, 2020
I've been putting this off for a long time. Long enough that I couldn't ignore it anymore.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a confession to make. I confess that the image of SunlightRays you knew isn't the real me. This... isn't me.
So I'm sure that most of you have been burned at least once in your life. It doesn't matter how harsh the burn was, y'all have gone through something like that at least once.
For me, the fires that burned me changed me for good. They shattered my once-innocent mind and deformed it beyond recognition. If a twelve-year-old myself looked at present-day me, he would be utterly confused and scared at the grown-up husk of the once-pure boy. The fires left scars that can't be erased, not with the time of a thousand days.
And yet, on the outside, I maintain that smile, that always-laughing face trying to put a smile on others' faces too. People laugh with me and smile with me, enjoying the jokes and mishaps I commit.
On the inside, however, I see burning wreckage.
The constant hailstorm of doubts and insecurities pelt my mind, making my psyche a raging hellscape. I always question myself and doubt the recognition people seem to be giving me. I am so afraid of being left alone, and yet I am afraid to ask people for confirmation in case my fears turn out to be true. What if all of this is just a dream? What if all the encouragement, all the acknowledgment people show towards me is just a polite white lie? My fears stretch out endlessly, flying on wings of imagination, turning my content musings into an anxious nightmare.
I know this doesn't make sense. I know I don't make sense. This fear, this anxiety I feel, it's all irrational, baseless. And yet it feels all the more real. The fear is always there, lingering in the shadows, waiting for the Sun to go down and for darkness to envelop my surroundings. And through these long, long nights, I shiver in fear, constantly on high alert, waiting for the monster of my mind to appear.
But that's only part of it. Another part of me is frustrated with the things going on in my real life. It wants to escape, it wants release. And, as a result of me not letting it escape, I have created another monster inside: rage. At this point, I don't even know when or how it started. All I know is that it often tries to express itself, let the built-up pressure out into the world. But I can't let myself do that. Because the moment I do, I'll be causing an explosion bigger than any emotional outburst I've known.
So I keep wearing my mask, always laughing, always smiling to others. I keep telling myself that everything is fine, they are my friends, they like me just like how I like them. I keep telling myself that they are not my enemies, not people who I should let my rage out or express my paranoia towards. No, I express those feelings to myself, where I can lock them up and keep others safe.
And I'll keep wearing my mask, until the day I find a way for this problem. Like how I endured that burn until only scars remained. Like how I always wore this mask ever since the fires.
SunlightRays out.
It's ok. Nearly everyone experiences something like this. We're here for you!
If you need a listening ear, I’m here.
I have no idea what you have gone through, but i think first of all, ask yourself if you feel guilty for anything, then try to forgive yourself. Screw everyone elses opinions!
I know it ist hard with anxiety to ignore peoples thoughts (and i am too, still not able to do that) but the most important person in your life is YOU.
Let me tell you, you have made a lot of awesome stuff. (i can only talk about your stories but im sure there is more)
It is normal to put on masks in company of friends, its a natural habit of humans to fit in. There will be not a single person that can know you like you are in your head, you simply choose to show ceartain aspects of yourself and they do too.
We all have an inner ME that dictates everything but rarely shows itself completely. Try to get one or two friends that you can talk about everything with.
This reminded me of S5E13 Maybe it is worth a rewatch for you too.