Status Report: Sick of Myself · 6:38pm Jul 22nd, 2021
Sunlight Rays here, with another blog post.
As you can most likely tell from the title, I am not doing so well. I don't lie with the titles I make, after all.
Recent events have had me think about myself: about the things I've done, both to others and myself, and their consequences, about how I've constantly failed others' and my own expectations.
So, where do I even start? How do I even start explaining this mess I found myself in? This huge pile of problems wasn't so huge two weeks ago.
I could start with the oldest one, I guess. Back in November last year, I began experiencing burnout. At the time, I was the leader of two groups planning to participate in a science competition. I've had plans for my team ever since February. But then Covid came and messed up every single part of my plan as thoroughly as it could. I don't plan to drag this portion on, so suffice to say that I immediately went limp when the competition was over. Figuratively, of course.
The problem is that February was the worst timing to do so. I was supposed to study for my APs, after all. I didn't. For the entirety of February, I just... slacked off. The consequence? A three-and-half-month hiatus from the entire site.
When my APs were done, I thought I had managed to fix what I messed up. I thought I had managed to block the hole created by my laziness in February. It turns out I didn't. I was only telling myself that I did, and I know that I was telling myself lies because the numbers don't lie. I failed to fix the issue I caused.
Then there's the Calculus term finals exam I damn near failed. Of course, I've had a migraine induced by high blood pressure (how did my blood vessels not rupture when my BP went up to 145/100, smh) for the entire night before the test, but it doesn't serve as an excuse to not being able to get so much as a clue on how to get started on 1/3 of the questions. It's a harsh blow to me because A) I pride myself on being quite good at maths and science, and B) since math takes up quite a bit on my school subjects' timetable, it has a heavier impact on my GPA compared to other subjects.
Then there's the issue of me constantly forgetting and miscommunicating. I started preparing for my college applications that are due end of October. For the past week, I forgot and miscommunicated so many darn times I can't even start to count how many times I made those mistakes while preparing those essays and resumes. It resulted in some serious issues between my college counselor and me, though they were resolved with minimal damage (thank goodness). It doesn't change the fact that they were issues that could have been avoided, however.
And on top of that, there's the issue of my Discord usage. It's already a subject brought up by two of my friends. Sometime after returning from my hiatus, a friend told me that I should reduce the amount of time I spent on Discord, lest I fell into the same spiral that sent me into hiatus a few months prior. Then another friend told me the same concern. Then another person.
I did try to moderate my Discord usage, of course. I don't think I need to say how that went.
I know staying on Discord and reacting to every message I get couldn't be good for my work efficiency. That's just common knowledge. Yet, I find myself unable to leave Discord because I'm afraid.
When I went on my hiatus and left all the pony-related servers, one of my deepest fears was people might forget me or even don't want me to return. The 108 days I was away from this site and related Discord servers were the most lonely 108 days I can remember. It was a time when I had burned down the bridges I had built with my own hands, a time when I exiled myself from a place I called my second home. And as much as I know that spending too much time on Discord is not healthy—I'm pretty sure I already qualify as an addict at this point—it's too painful to leave it behind because it's a harsh reminder of a time I never wish to go back to.
I'm sure I disappointed my friends by failing to control my Discord usage. They have every right to be disappointed. They looked out for me and got word from me that I would try to control it, and this is what they get.
I mean, I would be disappointed too if I were in their shoes, too. I'm disappointed in myself even though I'm not in their position anyway.
These thoughts keep me up at night all the time. Oftentimes I have difficulty falling asleep even if I want to sleep and am lying in bed. Eventually, I give up and sit back in front of my desk, not doing anything in particular but musing in my thoughts or gazing at Discord even when nothing is going on. Like right now, where I am sitting in front of my laptop typing away when it's half past 3 in the morning.
...I don't even know what the point of this blog is, to be honest. I guess the point is I'm sick of myself. Sick of all the disappointments I'm giving myself and others. Sick of all the unnecessary bullshit I'm causing. Sick of all the failures I'm creating. Failed. Failed. Failed.
Sometimes, I think it might have been better not to do anything I did so far.
This was Sunlight Rays, signing off.
Hey, dude. i understand feeling like you've been failing, but I'm sure nobody is disappointed with you. Going over three months without succumbing to distractions is something you should be proud of! I could certainly never muster up that amount of self control. If it means anything, i am proud of you.
I hope things get better for you, man. I'm here for you if you ever need anything <3
This is one of the most brutally honest things I've read. You don't know me, and I don't know you, but I am pulling for you. I know you have other friends that know you better who are rooting for you.