2020 Update · 2:55am Jun 24th, 2020
Hello, guys!
Long time no see, eh? Yeah, I don't blame anyone if they've moved on since whenever my stories have been updated and actually worked on. I don't really have an excuse to justify that. I have tried working on a chapter and I keep writing myself in circles. I keep having issues really working with my characters because I feel like I trapped myself into my own writing.
Yes, yes, I have a writer's block. Call it what you have. I have genuinely not managed to write anything longer than a page in several months, albeit I blame that on also having a pretty busy job for a while, playing video games pretty much in all my free time, 2020 being a fucking mess of a year. To see I was distracted would be a fair assumption as to what fueled this writer's block.
However, there is something else that needs to be put out there. For several years, I've lived with an unstable depressive mental state where it could essentially go off at any time, usually brought about by my mind dwelling on things I've done or said in the past. Little context here, and because I was honestly a tool seven years ago, I took to being an edgelord to cope with my depressive feelings. That is also where my persona of me enjoying being mean to my main character stemmed from. It was actually funny to chat with friends and other people and see their reactions to my writing. And that honestly led me to take things a bit too far and my persona sometimes replaced my actual personality.
Melody's story has been inspired by my own experience dealing with 10 years of bullying. Her anxiety is more or less the very same I'm currently living with (I was recently diagnosed with a Generalized Anxiety Disorder, although it's still early on and not invasive enough to require meds, according to my doctor). So, it stands to say that while she isn't a 1:1 carbon copy of my person, she kind of is a way for me to cope with all these feelings that I usually can't find the words to properly express, and I took advantage of that. I used that coping mechanism to be edgy and rude to some individuals in the past. To the people I have wronged: I'm sorry. My state of mind doesn't excuse the shitty and toxic attitude I sometimes brought about, and if I could take those things back, I honestly would.
Since my last update and the past few months, I've indulged in spending massive amounts of time into video games, probably to an unhealthy amount, but I've also had a lot of time to think through my feelings and I've come across multiple conclusions, with the following the one I think might explain the recent months and writers' blocks : I want to genuinely move on from who I was and let got of my past. Refusing to let go of my past is honestly just repeating a very unhealthy life cycle that I can't put the energy to sustain anymore. It's exhausting, anxiety is exhausting enough as is, and I want to stop relying on a cheap persona to cope with whatever it is I feel.
Is Melody cancelled? I honestly couldn't tell you. The whole story is outlined, and I might eventually flesh it out even more to the point I find more plot holes than I know what to do with, but from my current state of mind, I at least won't be putting much effort into writing while I try to shift myself around and figure my shit out. As I said, Generalized Anxiety Disorder is my normal these days, and stepping outside of my comfort zone has been a challenging task thus far.
All I can ask of you is if you want to continue hoping the story will continue, feel free to do so. If you want to abandon ship because you think the story can't sustain itself anymore, I can't blame you and honestly encourage you to choose whatever makes you happy, first and foremost. Because that's also what I'm searching for, and I don't think I can't really put my head back into writing until I find whatever that is.
2020 has been a wild ride and it has drained me of several things in the past few weeks, and the constant flux of negativity from pretty much anything, including myself, has ended up hurting me more than I had intended. I just want to take the next little bit to reflect on the future of my writing skills, my desire to write pony things (remember the whole moving on thing, yeah, it'd also kind of involve moving on from pony related things), and just reflect on myself to find ways to heal and mend myself first and foremost.
To those who made it this far, thank you for reading. I pray for the best for all of you, and I hope you enjoy the things that make you happy.
I don't know when I'll make another blog or update, but until then, I'll see you all star side!
Star Origin
