Requesting Opinions · 3:58am Mar 12th, 2020
This is a sample of a revised chapter that should be republished within the next week, hopefully. As a heads up, this is written in the present tense rather than past tense. It sits at 600-ish words at the moment.
Those who have read it long ago, do be noted that some sentences are slightly different but not too much where it requires a reread. The ending, however, will be altered.
Any opinions on the word choices and tense change are appreciated.
"Alright, son. I want you to take this revolver and shoot that target there pinned on the tree."
"Bullseye! And on your first try, too."
"Wow! Another three shots dead in the center! You seem to have a natural talent for this."
"Now let me go grab the target so we can-"
*BANG*
The loud bang of a shutting door startles me wide awake that I spontaneously sit up in a cold sweat, chest inflating in and out as my heart thumps at an irregular beat.
I frantically glance around the empty bedroom as it has ligneous furniture hugging its walls, solar rays streaming out of the shutters down on a few butterfly-patterned rugs that lay across the wooden floor in a triangular pattern. My rapid breathing slows to a steady and calm pace as soon as I gather my bearings. I lay back against the headboard and close my eyes with a collected sigh.
Should there be any questions as to what the deal is, I will spare the explanation.
Wiping away the beads of sweat from my forehead, I hop out of bed and make a beeline for the restroom for my bladders are screaming for relief.
Exiting Fluttershy's bedroom, I turn to my immediate left and grab the bathroom's door handle. My stomach loudly protests the minute I open the door to give me a harsh reminder that I haven't eaten anything since last night.
"There, there, buddy," I say, patting my stomach. "I know you're cranky, but remember that today's the day we can chow down until we explode, so hang in there until then." My stomach then growls its response like it has a mind of its own.
I smirk and proceed to make my bladder gladder. Some of you may be contemplating why Fluttershy has a bathroom, let alone a toilet? Well, disturbingly funnily enough, it turns out the ponies here do have bladders, which implicates they have... dare I say... genitalia.
Don't ask me how or why they do. Do you honestly think I would even have the audacity to ask some cartoon characters if they have honeypots or teabags? I'd fucking die out of embarrassment.
Sorry. Bit of a write-down-your-thoughts oopsie there.
Their toilets are what you expect to be squat toilets, and they're rather parallel to those that you can find in Japan, which would make sense given the fact they're ponies without hands. And now I can't help but visualize how'd they'd do it with their hooves... I shudder just at the mere thought...
For me, however, it's uncomfortable to attempt using, and not to mention awkward, let me tell you.
After squeezing the lemon (get it?), I wash my hands and leave the bathroom. My ears catch Fluttershy's voice emanating downstairs.
"Oh, I don't know, Twilight. Father is usually cranky when he doesn't get enough sleep," Fluttershy says.
'Great... Twilight's here. Given that my name was mentioned, I'm assuming Twilight wants to have a chat with me or something?' I muse.
"But he needs to be up and ready! We've only got approximately three hours before the coronation!" Twilight replies, albeit slightly exclamative with a slight touch of panic in her tone. "We've already got Pinkie Pie and Apple Jack handling the party designs and pastries. Rainbow Dash is still at her home doing Celestia-knows-what. Rarity is busy finishing up the dresses she has been working on since yesterday. And I need you to gather up some doves."
"Doves?" Fluttershy asks.
"Rock doves to release on the sound of the bells," Twilight rephrases. "If I want this ceremony to be perfect, I must speak with Rick right away!"
Dead silent, I stand stock-still at the top of the stairs having a hand cupped around my ear for better hearing, curious if Twilight will explain to Fluttershy why she needs to talk to me.
I like it