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Cordial Nova


I tell lies for money.

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  • 114 weeks
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Nov
7th
2019

Arms and Armament · 8:47pm Nov 7th, 2019

So, I was catching up on some blog posts this morning, and happened upon one which discussed the way objects can reflect characters, and happened to use their choices of weapons as an example. Which set me off down the track of contemplating what, in Equestria's earlier and rather rougher pieces of history, might our favorite protagonists arm themselves with should such warlike preparations be called for?

Herewith, my results.

Twilight

Nothing. Nothing at all.

Seriously, there's no conceivable weapon that you could give Twilight Sparkle that would be a noticeable improvement over what she can do with her brain. Before ascending.

Rarity

Given her off-the-scale psychokinetic dexterity, I'm going to say the traditional unicorn windblade; basically a twin-bladed hiltless scimitar (i.e., an S-blade), spun and maneuvered by horn. Or rather, given said PKD, several of them. Fear the fashionista, gentlesophs, for if she can see it, she can turn it into hamburger. Throw in a saddlebag full of sling bullets for long-range, and, of course, her existing martial-arts talents on the off-chance that anything survives to melee range.

Applejack

The equally traditional pair of steel sabatons for Bucky McGillicuddy and Kicks McGee is more that enough for anything crazy enough to get into close-quarters combat with AJ. Meanwhile, I also tend to think the chief weakness of earth ponies is in ranged combat, and it's not like they haven't been aware of that for more than long enough to have the solution: the crossbow, or more accurately the stirrup bow, since a cocking windlass is entirely redundant if you have earth pony strength.

(As a side note: in this thought experiment, Big Mac carries what is essentially a dismounted siege ballista.)

Rainbow

As is pegasus tradition in turn, her primary weapon is the storm: thunder, lightning, gales, and all the rest of the arsenal. Ain't for nothing that the pegasi used to name their Commanders after severe weather conditions.

For more, um, tactical work, the traditional pegasus weapons: the wingblades for pass-and-slash (although they're of most use when engaging other pegasi; it's unwise to come within melee range of an earth pony to use 'em), and the pilum, i.e., the Roman javelin. Except that when you can put the full force of a diving pegasus behind it, its penetration power is somewhat amplified. To charmingly understate the case.

Pinkie

I believe there is a reference in comics canon that would have us believe that, if you don't feel lucky, Pinkie is the kind of pony would would load an actual cannonball into her party cannon. So I have no problem in believing in her as one of nature's born artillerists.

Apart from that, when you can move through space-time that is not the space-time everypony else is using, apply every crazy cinematic ninja trope at once. Except the ones involving, y'know, stealth, or wearing black. But she makes it work.

Fluttershy

Fluttershy has no weapons. Fluttershy needs no weapons.

Because her friends have pretty much every natural weapon the animal kingdom ever came up with between them, and if you somehow forgot this for long enough to actually threaten Fluttershy, the question that ought to be in your mind is whether you can last long enough for her to talk them out of whatever they're about to do to you.

(This, of course, omits Discord. Who might recreate the Discordian Era for you, personally. Or just pixelate your splanging arkfnagle. Who knows?)

Comments ( 5 )

I always like giving Rarity a cactus's worth of needles for her to use like a swarm of beautiful, malevolent flechettes. The blades certainly work as well; much greater damage per unit.

I can confirm that Pinkie has fired an actual cannonball and a Dirty Harry reference in quick succession in the comics.

Apart from that, when you can move through space-time that is not the space-time everypony else is using, apply every crazy cinematic ninja trope at once.

Including the Inverse Ninja Law. And, barring the Mirror Pool or multiversal antics, there is only ever one Pinkie Pie.

All told, excellent assessment of how the Mane Six might arm themselves (or not) in times of tumult.

Best Pony, of course, is the one they send in when there's no possible way to break a siege. If she can't find one, she makes one. Or unmakes one, as the case may be. :derpyderp2:

5151867

I always like giving Rarity a cactus's worth of needles for her to use like a swarm of beautiful, malevolent flechettes. The blades certainly work as well; much greater damage per unit.

If conditions allow it, I'd equip her with both. A slashing weapon makes sushi out of soft targets, while narrow, piercing weapons are the only way short of bludgeoning that you'd deal with a fully armored opponent (a thin point that can fit through an eyeslit or other gap is what you're after).
Of course, this all assumes she'd condone any of this sort of nasty business. :pinkiesick:

For pegasi against ground targets, you could simplify from the Pilum to the humble flechette. Gravity's a free source of kinetic energy here, so you can omit the long throwing shaft of any spear-type weapon in favor of guide vanes/fins/feathers. Pegasi against armored aerial targets... a lance, maybe(?), though couching it might be just as bad for the attacker as for the defender.

If they were ever in the same universe Sergeant Detritus could loan Big Mac the Piecemaker.

Seem to remember Pinkie and Maud using their hooves to disintegrate a boulder mid-air in one of the alternate universes.

I had a pixelated splanging arkfnagle, once. Trust me, you never want to have one, because after the stuff coming out of all your holes isn't plaid anymore, the really interesting issues begin.

At the very least, I'm luckier than most people that got splanging arkfnagle pixelation. There's a reason why they weld the coffins shut-and a full-length weld as well. And you ignore the pounding from inside...

Seriously, there's no conceivable weapon that you could give Twilight Sparkle that would be a noticeable improvement over what she can do with her brain. Before ascending.

Some kind of staff or crystal array that amplifies her magic. Pretty conceivable to me, but the general point that she's a pure caster build who has no business being in melee range for longer than it takes to cast a teleport is valid.

I believe there is a reference in comics canon that would have us believe that, if you don't feel lucky, Pinkie is the kind of pony would would load an actual cannonball into her party cannon.

And the actual show has her using it on the changelings in the season 2 finale. Pretty obvious that something which can coat entire rooms in the blink of an eye can still do so when you load it with less pleasant things, and even if it's "just" an oversized flashbang that's enough of an opening for any rock farmer worth their salt to kill you several times over.

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