An Honest Critique: "As the Anemometer spins" · 8:11pm Jul 31st, 2019
"As the Anemometer Spins, by Paracompact"
“As the Aenometer Spins.” Where do I start with this one? Well, I suppose I can start with the plot. In Chapter One, it is rather plain to see Rumble’s feelings of inadequacy and his desire to reach the same level that his brother, Thunderlane, sits at. This chapter sets the tone for the rest of the story, and it does so well, if a bit condensed due to the low word count.
Chapter Two begins with Rumble and his best friend, Eddy, training in a meadow, and the author begins to unravel something that I am sure is quite close to most of our hearts. Feeling subpar to those that can outcompete us in any category, regardless of how much effort we may put into our work. And over the course of the chapter, the author makes it exceedingly clear that despite the gap in effort between the two, Eddy simply outperforms Rumble in every category, no matter how hard Rumble tries. The end of the chapter is characterized by the appearance of Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash, who have been sent by the… I forget what it’s called actually, but the friendship map, to solve a friendship problem, which is revealed in Chapter Three. Speaking of which!
Chapter Three cuts to, what I presume to be, a short while after the training scene ended in the middle of Chapter Two, with Rumble laying on the ground, clutching his chest as he had just pushed his body to its limits moments prior, with Eddy stopping to make sure he is okay. Rumble then begins to have an inner monologue explaining his true feelings about Eddy, and about himself. While it may feel a tad bit over-the-top to myself, it is a minor nitpick at most. Things escalate as Eddy attempts to lie in order to assuage Rumble’s self-doubts, only to be caught in the lie, causing Rumble to lash out in an emotional outburst. While I suppose this portion may seem out of place or even shoehorned in, it is my understanding that Rumble and Eddy are still children, and their conduct within this scene is entirely fitting of well… Children. The scene ends with Eddy flying off, leaving Rumble with only himself and his aenometer.
Chapter Four starts out with Rumble laying in his room, wallowing in his own discontent. This is exacerbated by the arrival of Twilight, Thunderlane, and Rainbow Dash, who all tell Rumble to be happy setting his own limits and breaking them, and that life is about self-discovery. And this is another example of a real-life issue many of us face. That those who have it all, and likely haven’t worked nearly as hard as you or I have, will happily lecture those below them with advice that helped them succeed, and oftentimes that advice is not applicable to others that perhaps aren’t as fortunate as they were. The chapter transitions to Rumble, begrudgingly, attending a flight camp and after silently brooding for a few hundred words, decides to assist a disabled filly in her flying drills, and the story ends with Rumble accepting that perhaps he doesn’t need to be at the very top, and instead only needs to make an impact where he can.
So, where did it go wrong? Truthfully, the grammar and writing is rather impressive, but the pacing is off in my opinion, with two of the four chapters being below a thousand words. But I’ll attribute this due to the story’s rushed nature, having been submitted as a contest entry with a three day deadline. It could certainly do with some light editing and polishing, and a good portion of the dialogue sections feel rushed and choppy, leaving the reader to wonder what was said between skips.
Overall, how does the story hold up? In all honesty, for what it is, the story is a solid, well written piece that will hit close to home for a lot of readers. The plot is original, the characters are portrayed accurately, and the writing doesn’t look like a four year old wrote it. Now that I think about it, it’s a lot like a grilled cheese. It’s really hard to fuck up a grilled cheese.
If you’re looking for a nice little story that takes less than an hour to read, then I’d certainly recommend it. Personally, I enjoyed it. In a sea of unoriginal and bland content it manages to stand out.
This has been An Honest Critique of Paracompact's “As the Aenometer Spins”, and I hope you will enjoy the story as much as I did. As always, feel free to request a critique of your own story!
This has been a nice critique to read actually! I like it.
5097249
Glad to hear it!
5097254
Can’t wait to see what’s next!
Question: Are they done once per day? Or does it depend?
5097351
Depends entirely how fast I can read the story and get things written. I'm knocking out the shorter requests that I've got before moving on to the big boys.
5097388
That’s a clever reviewing strategy actually. Sorry for being impatient though.
5097389
You're completely fine, bud.
5097391
Thanks and good luck!