Bad Book Review 05 (The Guardian, Chapter 05 & 06) · 9:11pm Jul 18th, 2019
Welcome back to the ten or so of you who are following along. Time for another chapter. Well, chapters. With how short they've been and how little's been happening, I'm going to start combining them for some.
In our last chapter, it was noticed that there had been a sudden rise in members of the clergy either committing suicide or dying mysteriously. Now, the chief has ordered Kirkland to investigate.
Let's see what clues he picks up as we get into chapter five.
We start with Detective Kirkland interview a young priest named Father Stephen. We are given the names of the priest and nun from chapter three. That's right, the entire time we were reading about the priest going into shock and the nun immolating herself, we were never given a name. During the conversation, Father Stephen talks about the church's interpretation and how evil used to manifest as plagues. Kirkland is skeptical.
Their conversation is interrupted when a young blond man shows up.
... a pensive and brooding look about him, well dressed, and very handsome.
Almost angelic.
Could this be our mysterious man in black? The one from chapters two and three who were there just before the people killed themselves? Is he waiting for Kirkland to leave so he can strike again?
Turns out the answer is no.
After Kirkland ends that conversation with Father Stephen, and again expresses his skepticism at the idea of it being plagues, he makes his way over to the new arrival, who is currently praying. The new arrival is a detective by the name of Cameron. We also find out that Kirkland is not a fan of "new age" and doesn't think much of prayer.
Christ, you better not be one of those new age freaks, Kirkland murmured to himself.
"People pray when they are desperate. When they want a solution to their problems. They'll sell their souls if they could." Kirkland responded sceptically, almost with disgust.
... *sighs*
Last review, I commented on how Lia Scott Price had written a paragraph where Kirkland had both said something aloud, and thought something to himself. These two sentences were close to together, and both were in quotation marks. I pointed out this was not a good way to do so, because it looks like both are being said, and can confuse the reader.
Now, Miss Price has gone and done the opposite.
mur·mur
/ˈmərmər/verb
past tense: murmured; past participle: murmured
say something in a low, soft, or indistinct voice.
"Nina murmured an excuse and hurried away"
- make a low continuous sound.
"the wind was murmuring through the trees"
synonyms:mutter, mumble, whisper, talk under one's breath, speak in an undertone, speak softly, speak sotto voce, speak in hushed tones; More- say something cautiously and discreetly.
"they began to murmur of an uprising"
So we end up with a moment where a character is thinking, but it's in quotes to make it like they are speaking, and a moment where the person is speaking (even if very softly), only to have it italicized like they're thinking it. Plus, since there are italics, that means they are usable in the format used for the book, which takes away one excuse as to why they weren't used earlier.
This is a minor detail, but one that shows up that Miss Price is not a professional, nor did she have an editor.
After a bit more conversation, Kirkland has decided he's had enough with the religious stuff and wants to leave.
We have a scene change to the outside of Detective Cameron's car. He pulls out and opens a folder, then points out that the man in black was at every scene, showing up in the background of each photo. Kirkland remembers seeing the man talking to the nun, and Cameron points out that he talked to all of the victims before they killed themselves.
How do he know this? It is kind of an important part of the story, but that does not explain the how. We as an audience saw the man in black in the second chapter, but since we don't know what happened with the priest, we never saw them talk. He was just sort of standing around. Yes, we had the characters see the man talk to the nun, but there were no other characters around when the priest spoke to him. That is a point they made in the chapter. The priest was alone on the main part of the church, and the nun was in a back office, unaware of what happened until well after. Those are just the ones we know about. Since we don't know anything else about the other deaths, we have no way of knowing what happened exactly but if the mystery man is talking to these people and driving them to suicide, it is more than likely when they are alone. So, again, how would he know this?
Anyway:
"Sheesh, what a coincidence." Kirkland recalled the same man comforting the nun. He shivered at the thought. Was there some sort of connection?
As if reading his thoughts, Cameron looked straight at Kirkland and responded. "That's what we have to find out for sure."
That is where chapter five ends.
Chapter six opens with a couple having a fight. Lupe is throwing out her boyfriend Sal and his stuff, accusing him of cheating on her with a "bimbo" that he works with. Sal is denying the whole thing, claiming that it never happened, and stating that he only loves Lupe. This goes back and forth for a while, with Lupe telling Sal what she heard he did, and Sal denying most of it, saying that he only loves Lupe. The argument ends with Lupe wishing Sal was dead, telling him they're through, and to get out.
Lupe throws away a broken picture and goes to her bedroom.
There's an indicator of a scene change, although it isn't necessary.
Sal, dejected, sat outside the house on the steps. He lit a cigarette and ran his hands over his face. He began to weep.
A man in a black coat stood across the street, watching him.
The lights in the house went out and Sal sat among his scattered belongings.
That's the entirety of the scene change. A moment that happens immediately after what happened in the previous part. It could have just started as another paragraph with no change. It's also not really a major change in POV character. Both were in it, and were getting about the same amount of attention. The little scene of Lupe throwing away one pictures and going to bed does not seem like enough to require a scene change to me.
We have another scene change, although this one does make sense.
We switch back to Cameron and Kirkland. They are at a "local overpass" where there is a scene going on. Cameron tells a rookie cop to look for a man in black, and when Kirkland comments on it, Cameron responds that if they're right, he should be there.
The detectives reach the front line, where they find a man against the edge of the overpass with a gun.
People start watching the entire thing.
It turns out that the man is Sal, and he's waving the gun around, daring the police to shoot him. Kirkland notes that Sal has the same wild look in his eyes as the nun. An officer comments that Sal has been like this for an hour.
Kirkland tries to talk to Sal, but Sal only comments on how his girlfriend wouldn't listen, and keeps trying to get the cops to shoot him. Cameron informs Kirkland that Sal "wants death by cop." Cameron says he wants to talk to Sal and try and stop him, but Kirkland insists he wants to do it, feeling he needs to "make things right."
As Kirkland tries to talk Sal out of it, the man in black shows up. None of the officers notice him. Sal does, and the fires at the police.
The police return fire.
Detective Cameron jumps in the way to shield Sal.
After getting the police to stop, Kirkland goes over to them. Sal is dead, but Cameron is somehow unharmed. Before Kirkland can ask about this, Cameron notices the man in black who is leaving, and runs after him. Cameron chases the suspect until the suspect runs into an alley.
Cameron drew out his gun and approached cautiously.
We have another scene change to the alley. Cameron finds nothing but regular alley stuff, and a chain link fence with barking pit bulls on the other side.
...but as soon as he approached the dogs suddenly become friendly, whining, wagging their tails, and licking at the fence.
Cameron turned, put his gun away, and, frustrated but still looking around for any sign of the man in black, left the alley.
Okay, so we are getting the impression that Cameron is not actually human, and we can all probably guess what he is. I mean, we are in a book dealing with angels, and Miss Price does describe him as "angelic," so it's not exactly subtle. And no, I'm not using the fact I've read this before as a way of knowing what comes later. Honestly, it's making me realize how much I've forgotten from the story since I've read it.
That does also explain how he knows about the man in black when no one else possibly could, but does still leave a bit of a plot hole about how he was able to convince Kirkland.
Also, Sal isn't a priest. We aren't told what he does, but he is living with his girlfriend without being married, and has likely cheated on her at least once before considering some of the dialogue. Kirkland and Cameron are supposed to be investigating the sudden increase in suicides from members of churches, such as priests or nuns. So, why would Cameron assume that the suspect was there? Even before we find out who the person attempting suicide is? I mean if the person is specifically targeting members of the clergy, why would any one come to the conclusion that a random person was a victim of the same thing? And do you seriously expect me to believe that in however long this has been going on, no one else in all of Los Angeles has committed suicide, with no outside influence?
And no, Cameron's being an angel does not cover this immediately. If he were able to actively track the man in black and know what he was doing, Cameron would have been able to step in sooner and keep the nun from setting herself on fire. Plus, he didn't realize when the man in black vanished from the alley. So there is nothing that says he would have absolutely known that the man in black was there.
When writing, an author has to try and keep the premise and what they have so far in mind. No, they do not have to write everything out and explain every detail to the audience, but you do have to give them something that can be used to logically fill in the gaps. In this case, it would be why the character would expect the suspect to be at a scene, and more so when it's a scene that does not actually fit the suspects normal modus operandi. It has to be more than just plot convenience.
There are two other ways this could be done, at least. One is that Cameron did not say anything. He is unaware of the suspect's involvement, but sees him in the crowd and chases after him. That leaves the question of what the man was doing there, and would force the detectives to reconsider the pattern if he was going after other citizens as well. Another is to indicate some sort of proximity ability. Like Cameron can't normally detect him, but can if they get within a certain distance. It could also be fudged that the feeling lingers even after separation, explaining why Cameron would be unaware of the suspect escaping the alley.
Well, that bring this to an end for now. Let's see what happens next tomorrow.
I am not the best author, but even I see the little problems. This reeks of some bad Paranormal Romances. I look forward to more snarky commentary. Was this in a bookstore or was this online at like goodreads or wherever else these independent books are sold. I still am getting a major Halloween 3 vibe from it. I don't know why.
5090824
I bought it off of Amazon, but looking at the page, it says:
5090825
Sometimes you can tell. Amazon is full of crap like this. As mean as it is, I tend to stay away. I don't have the money for it, but 90% of it doesn't interest me. I guess that is where people like you come in. I feel like such scum, but it's not reliable. If I know for a fact it's good or from someone I know and want to support, maybe!