Life is Miserable: Look Back.

Okay, whew. Let's just start by saying I never in my life expected this story to get so long or so in depth. I never expected it to use a bunch of old ideas and combine them into something new. I just hope the sequel will be as satisfying when I'm done with it.

Originally this whole thing was going to be four or six chapters. It all started with the first chapter that I wrote during a roleplay with a couple friends. I was super excited about writing the death of Fear's mother and finally establishing what had happened to her and what had happened to him. As you see it today is almost exactly how it was originally, with only a few added paragraphs, a couple to the beginning and one added near the end. The second chapter that was, partly, already written was Nightmare Worth Dying For. The nightmare where Fear fights his sister to the death is a scene I wrote also during a roleplay as a sort of... just a fun thing to do? The solar sword also comes from the roleplay that nightmare is from.

Then the novel grew out of control from there.

I knew from the beginning I wanted Fear to kill a father and a foal but it wasn't until I wrote Hoofstep From Raiderhood that I really cemented the final ideas. Around this time I was expecting to end it at chapter 6. It wasn't until I started talking with some people, and got some inspiration that I don't really recall, that I decided to really flesh out Creature Comforts, and it all kind of spiraled from there.

I honestly don't remember the early parts of writing this fanfic that much because it was so long ago and I have a terrible memory, but I'm trying my best.

It was sometime around now that I got frustrated from a bunch of people complaining about how I started my fanfic that I added the A/N to chapter 1 and 2, and it was about this time that I think, that I finally got my cover art for the story.

Fear has been a relatively well-fleshed out character for about three years now, nearly four, and I just keep growing him more and more, mostly his personality. The hybrid characteristic was decided long ago. As for his father and sister, I originally didn't like them very much because of the context I roleplayed them in when I first introduced them to my friend. But over time, and with gradual use in a setting where they were allowed to have more happiness, I eventually grew to love them. Because it's been so long I can't pinpoint exactly when it started to happen, but Amelio's original feelings toward Fear, when I first made her, were ones of obsessed resentment toward Fear for essentially killing their father, who she grew up with. Emotions are volatile and sometimes irrational, and to be honest I don't think anyone can blame Amelio for hating Fear, even if it was never explicitly his fault.

The cover art for the story was actually my inspiration for bringing Fear to Stalliongrad. Him meeting Amelio was a spur of the moment decision sometime during finishing chapter 6. As for the cover art Storm wasn't supposed to be a plushie, but I ran with the idea and decided to bring Fear "home." It was a difficult chapter to write, because I'd been thinking for, like, a month or two about everything I wanted to happen during it, and I never expected it to get so long. Now I wish that, along with having Fear comment more frequently on how absolutely dumb (silly) his life is, I had separated that one into two chapters and tried to come up with more things for him to do in the stable (which I still have no idea things he could've done I feel like writing about).

I was planning Amelio's death for a LONG time, even before I decided to include her in the story. It wasn't until recently that I found a way to have her persist after death, and the Crystal Clear chapter was a kind of... last minute addition. Saway was a sort of last minute addition as well, so was Nyx. But I'm not even slightly regretful I added them. In fact I'm so happy that I'm hoping that I can come up with a role for them within the context of my sequel (no luck yet, unfortunately, but it's on my mind).

Saway herself, as I said in my A/N at the time, as well as Nyx, are from a roleplay that I had going for about three years, maybe longer. It spanned over 2.5-3k pages of logs. I was really invested in it, unfortunately it was never finished and likely will never be. But because I was in large part the DM of both parts of the double sided roleplay aside from a few key exceptions (like the villain Smoothus, a character I mention only with the descriptor "magic-less stallion" in the chapter Fate) I had the ending (and it's variations) relatively planned out. I knew where the story I was crafting with my two friends was going, but had no idea how the finale would go. Tbh I far prefer Fear and Saway being friends over enemies because I can characterize her far more, and I like her characterization in my fanfic more than I did in the roleplay. I also like the change in appearance far more because it's less yin-yang-y which I already did with Fear and Amelio.

Faithdriver is another character I added semi-last minute who is from the same roleplay I mentioned above, though slightly different. She still grew up as an orphan, but in it she becomes a substitute teacher for Twilight's school, which I had accurately predicted as an event but inaccurately predicted the content of. I will admit the inspiration from her weapon was in large part due to the guy with the crucifix machine gun from Trigun, and maybe a part of her personality was slightly based on it too. Can't say for sure.

Fear's Ordeal was a chapter I hadn't originally planned on having, but when I came up with it I was ENAMORED with the idea of it, and I couldn't WAIT to put it to pen. I adored writing it, and I adored coming up with the ideas for it. It was all inspired by the Lonely Go opening from Boruto. I saw the t-pose in ice and I was like. "You know that kinda gives me some ideas." Yes I'm a giant weeb sometimes. A corny one. I admit it.

Gentler, which I came up with the idea for maybe a chapter or two before, was originally supposed to be very similar to the character Gengen from Suikoden 2. Another friend of mine gave me the idea and I kind of ran with it, but I realized sometime during the creative process that it'd be far better for him to be an Abyssinian, and I eventually made him the way he is now. At the time I was also developing the ideas for the chapters involving Solanum and Linebreiker, though I'd long before had the idea that Pumpkin Pep was kidnapped by someone and Fear would learn of it when he got to Dryfield.

Pumpkin Pep and Emulae are old ideas, at least a year or two old, and eventually in timelines that aren't Fallout: Equestria they get murdered early on for... well, you can probably guess. Changelings are feared, and I'm sure sympathizers aren't treated much differently, likely even feared.

I could go into at least a couple paragraphs worth of context for Fear's family dynamics stemming all the way back to his great grandparents on both sides. But I digress.

Solanum was a changeling I'd had ideas for early on when I was trying to come up with another example for a changeling hive, but I never expected I'd actually introduce him.

Linebreiker is from a fourth longterm roleplay that I had with my friends, another Fallout Equestria one, and she was born when I was trying to come up with a possible reason why Minuette was collecting all the pendants in order to gather her power. The idea was never used in the roleplay, in lieu of a different reason, but I kept the crafted idea of Linebreiker for awhile afterward and decided to use her here.

Everything from then on is rather straightforward, the only thing really worth mentioning being that I'd not come up with Fear's final thoughts until soon before I started writing it. I hadn't put much thought into how it was going to end overall, but I'm happy with how it did. All I knew was that I wanted it to be a bittersweet ending. Speaking of, when I came up with the idea for Fear dying to Linebreiker and Amelio saving his skin, I was really happy, and I decided to go with it immediately. It was by no means a last second decision, so I was excited for quite awhile. Not as long as I was excited to write Fear's Ordeal though, which alongside Era of War is probably my favorite chapter.

All in all I'm satisfied with the whole thing, and I'm sorry this look back has been so disorganized and the memory of everything has been so faulty. It's just been so long and I never expected to get here.