Top 5 Video Games of All Time · 11:10pm Apr 1st, 2019

In 1958, Physicist William Higinbotham created the world’s very first video game, a simple tennis game that was fairly similar to Pong in 1970. In the 60 years since then, however, video games have gone from an odd little programming exercise to one of the biggest money making franchises of all time, with every genre you could dream of available, ranging from shooters and puzzle games, to more niche genres like visual novels and life sims. However, as gamers, we all have our own opinions about what games deserve to be revered as the best games of all time. I, of course, am no different, and I’m here today to offer my take on the top 5 video games of all time. Of course, choosing just five was an insanely tough task, and I had to cut out a lot of worthy competitors (so I can only give an honorable mention to Persona 5, which just fell short of this list. Rest assured if the five games I’m about to discuss didn’t exist, Persona 5 would be my favorite video game without a doubt), so if you don’t see your favorite game on here, don’t worry, it just means that there was some insanely tough competition. So without further ado, let’s dive right into it. These are the top 5 video games of all time!

Number 5: Totally Spies (Game Boy Advance)

Starting off the list right, we have my number 5 pick, Totally Spies on Game Boy Advance. Now, chances are, a fair amount of you guys are confused by this pick. After all, it’s a licensed game on a GBA. How could it possibly be any good? Well, believe it or not, Totally Spies is totally a sleeper hit for the system, as it manages to take almost all of the creativity from the show (though not much of the fetish fuel, so if that was all you remember it for, this might not be your thing) and brings it into full display. This game is split into five chapters based off of various episodes from the show, and each chapter is absolutely loaded to the brim with variety. To cite an example, in one chapter, you may be playing Dance Dance Revolution to enter an idol’s show that’s secretly harboring a major conspiracy, and in the next bit you’re infiltrating the show backstage whilst dodging security drones and cameras in a style similar to the original Metal Gear. The variety the game brings means that getting bored is impossible, and even when you fail (which can happen fairly often as this game can be somewhat challenging at times), it’s impossible to stay mad, as each level offers a pretty and unique death screen applicable to the level it was found in, unlike most games which just give you one boring game over screen. SNORE! But of course, the best part of Totally Spies is that it understands how to best make a player feel good about themselves. When you see the girls hugging out at the end of a mission, and are then offered the most sincere of Congratulation for it, you feel a sense of accomplishment that only the best games can. While it’s not perfect, and does have some minor problems (such as the story feeling a bit disjointed without context from the show), this is a legitimately incredible video game, and one that really should’ve gotten more attention than it did.

Number 4: Home Alone (NES)

What? Another licensed game? Is Charles just a massive troll? Well, in general, yes, but in this case, no. Absolutely not. Do not be fooled, because despite its humble appearance, Home Alone on NES is, in my opinion, the single best game that Bethesda has ever released to the public (Sorry, Skyrim/Fallout fans). Now, Home Alone was a really good movie, I think most will agree, but it’s not an easy one to adapt into a video game, especially not in the days of the NES, where just adding one cutscene means losing an entire level. However, I was exceedingly pleased with how they pulled it off, and even with how they added in some surprising horror elements, which is exceedingly rare for an NES title. As Kevin Mccalister, you’re tasked with protecting your house from intruders at all costs, by grabbing various items from around your house, and using them to trip up intruders, similarly to the movie. However, there are a few key differences. For one, you have almost no time to react before the intruders effortlessly break in and make a bee line for you, and that’s where the horror elements come in. They don’t care about the valuables this time, they just want that Culkin paycheck, and all you can do is run and try to save yourself with whatever doohickey’s you can find. I loved the feeling of constantly running from my life, and felt a legitimate tension that I hadn’t felt since I first played that one visual novel, that also fell just short of the list, unfortunately. However, just because you’re being chased by psychos who want you dead at any cost doesn’t mean the game is above adding a little bit of flair. Similarly to Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker, Kevin has been blessed with the ability to moonwalk, and while it isn’t particularly useful in game from a gameplay perspective, the fact that you can knock out a robber with a potato and then moonwalk out in class just exudes a level of style and coolness unlike any other game I’ve ever played, and made me feel legitimately awesome in a way that no other game has managed. While it’s unfortunate that Bethesda peaked so relatively early, at least they left a peak that will be remembered in infamy, as the game that managed to sneak moonwalk its way into the 4^th place spot.

Number 3: Captain Bible (PC)

Sometimes, a game’s quality doesn’t warrant much explanation. Sometimes, all it takes is a look at a screenshot and you immediately know it’s gonna be a standout game, whether that means it’s a piece of garbage, or in the case of Captain Bible and the screenshot of this guy’s meme face I’ve taken above, that it’s going to be an experience unlike anything you’ve ever seen before. And indeed, Captain Bible is marvelous, as it is not only a solid religious game, but it also provides a sophisticated look at relations between modern day religion and technology, and offers a story that, by the end, provides an interesting twist by making you question whether or not you were playing as a good guy or a bad guy the whole time.

The idea of Captain Bible is relatively simple; you play as Captain Bible, and your job is to free a city that is under mind control from the Darkness via a tower of Deception and constant incorrect propaganda spewed from an army of propaganda spewing robots (so basically, it’s you taking down CNN). In order to bring the enslaved city back to the light, you must go in and use the power of the Sword of the Spirit, the Shield of Faith, and a lot of Bible Quotes that you get as you explore the city, to stop the propaganda and show the captured people the truth. The gameplay is fairly simple as well, though each bit is quite enjoyable. I loved exploring the city for new quotes, which in turn opened up new areas locked off by dreaded robots with quotes I couldn’t disprove without the right quote, as it gave the game a fun Metroidvania feel, and when the time came for combat, I found it an invigorating treat to switch between attacking the robots and keeping my guard up to defend against the robot’s insanely varied attacks. Though it’s not exceedingly hard, it does require you to pay attention to the robot’s attacks and find an effective way to beat them, which keeps things from growing stale.

However, what really launches Captain Bible this high is how open to interpretation the game is. After playing it, I began to wonder, was I really the good guy? I mean, when you break it down, this game is about an entire city converting to Atheism, and as a result, I invade their city, destroy all of their advanced robotics, and their revolutionary shield generator/power source, and forcefully convert them back to my religion. Was this really the acts of a hero, or was I just some religious extremist who was willing to harm others for my own sake? Is religious extremism justifiable? This is a question that’s been a hot topic since the crusades, and I was really impressed that Captain Bible had the guts to take a risk and ask such a question. Truly, this is a fantastic game, and if you don’t believe me, just go watch Brutal Moose’s video, which covers it better than I ever could.

Number 2: Bible Test (Steam)

Proverbs 11:28; He who trusts in his riches will fall, but the righteous shall flourish as the green leaf.

And truly, while this game is a bit pricey, it’s clear that this is the game that verse was based on. Now, it’s easy to be cynical towards Bible Test on Steam; it’s expensive as fuck at 200 dollars, the graphics look like something you’d see on a smart phone game, it has a couple questions that are actually incorrect, and there are rumors that it installs spyware on your computer (I cannot confirm nor deny the validity of this claim). However, believe me when I say that this game changed my life, and makes me feel close to our lord and savior Jesus Christ in a way that few things can. While from the outside looking in, the gameplay seems trivial, once you actually play it, the gameplay goes from trivial to transcendental. It’s hard to explain, but as you answer questions, you feel a strange inner peace flow through you. You hear the words of the Lord resonate throughout your soul, and you get an overwhelming sensation of inner peace that nothing else can quite provide. In addition, as I previously established when I made my blog post on Fimfiction about this game, this game provides a free ticket to heaven for anyone who manages to 100% the game, and I believe deep within my soul that that’s true. After all, God’s kingdom is open to all who believe, and this game will make you a believer without a doubt. Even if it’s expensive, I highly recommend you consider playing this, as salvation isn’t something that should be restricted to a price tag. Unfortunately, the placement is something that can be, which is why this game isn’t number one, despite providing total inner peace. Still, if inner peace is what you desire, there are few better choices then Bible Test. Just be careful where you open it, as it just might smite the irredeemable computer.

Number 1: Winnie the Pooh: Home Run Derby (Browser)

I’m sorry. I really am. I tried not to go with such an obvious pick, but I just couldn’t help it. In every aspect of the word, Winnie the Pooh Home Run Derby is a perfect video game with no flaws whatsoever, and everything that has ever been said about this game is without a doubt true. This game offers everything one could ever want out of a video game; it’s got charm in spades thanks to the beloved characters of Winnie the Pooh. It’s got the high amount of challenge of a game like Dark Souls, whilst simultaneously offering a very solid difficulty curve that starts you off gently and steadily increases until it reaches a level Dark Souls can only dream of. It’s easy to understand, so beginners can jump right in, but has plenty of depth and strategy for more advanced players to learn, in order to overcome some of its more challenging opponents, such as the master of erraticism Owl, the master of invisibility Tigger, and the master of all of reality itself, Christopher Robin. It’s got an insane level of satisfaction from both beating a particularly challenging opponent, and satisfaction of progression thanks to the upgrade system, which allows you to steadily become stronger even when you lose, making you feel like even losses make you better. It’s got a simple story that kids can follow that none the less offers plenty of intrigue for older players, as it makes you wonder how your friends managed to develop such inhumane baseball skills, and what exactly Christopher Robin had done to make him into the destroyer of worlds he is in this game. It fine tunes every element of home run derby games like the bomb mini game from Mario Superstar Baseball to perfection, and best of all, it’s available completely for free on your web browser. As long as you have an internet connection, you can experience the absolute unprecedented ecstasy that beating the challenges presented in Winnie the Pooh Home Run Derby will grant you, which is ultimately what gives it the edge on this list, and makes it the single best video game ever created in the history of mankind.

So, that was my list of the top 5 video games of all time. Were there any games that you thought should’ve been on here but just fell short? Let me know in the comments below, as I’d love to hear your thoughts (or if you actually read all of this April Fool’s shitpost, just type ‘Viva La Vida by Coldplay is a song, I think’, and that’ll be fine). I am Charles Spratt, and I look forward to literally nobody reading this, because it was released on April Fool’s Day, and is an extremely obvious joke list. Cheers

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Charles Spratt

Charles Spratt #1 · Apr 1st, 2019 · · ·

A fair amount of this is based on inside jokes between myself and the Cynical Brony. Trust me, I didn't choose these at random.
Also, Viva La Vida by Coldplay is a song, I think.

The Cynical Brony

The Cynical Brony #2 · Apr 1st, 2019 · · ·

Viva La Vida is a Coldplay song, I think.

Actually, I know, because that shit was my jelly and jam about two years ago. You kinda shook my world with that Captain Bible reveal.

Charles Spratt

Charles Spratt #3 · Apr 13th, 2019 · 1 · ·

5036646
Amazing, isn't it Cyn? I made an entire top 5 list that is literally just one giant inside joke that literally nobody outside of you and me will get. I said I'd do it if I made it to April First, but I'm still really surprised that this exists, you know?

The Cynical Brony

The Cynical Brony #4 · Apr 13th, 2019 · · ·

5043588
I'm glad it does. It's a great read.

Charles Spratt

Charles Spratt #5 · Apr 14th, 2019 · · ·

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Charles Spratt

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