Ranking Some Villains · 3:07am Mar 23rd, 2019

"So what's it like being a hack," and its variations is a question I get asked often enough. Sometimes it's not verbalized but it's the way others just kind of shake their heads when you chime in on writing or some other thing in relation to it. Other times it's just finishing dead last (even when they don't tell you that's where you finished but you know it based upon various factors that include not allowing yourself enough time to edit or some such thing). Of course I think they should ask a better question than that. Here it is, "What's it like to KNOW that you're a hack?"

The answer is it is what it is. Some days it kind of blows because the idea(s) that you come up with aren't executed quite as well as you'd hoped. Sometimes you write the story the way you wanted but the audience isn't there for it or doesn't get it. Other days it's kind of great. You can write whatever the heck you want and there are no expectations. You will never have someone seriously say, "Not since Tolstoy has a writer captured the human (or pony in this site's case) condition quite like this author."

This means that you can pretty much do as you will and you don't have to worry too much. Things will be what they are and maybe a few folks get it. Maybe you see a larger than expected red bar on your story. If you're a hack and you know it then who cares? The negative reaction was expected.

Besides, at the end of the day what really matters is that, for better or worse, you're happy with what you did. That's got to count for something right? It better. Audiences and opinions come and go but, the things you say and do are yours. So I say I'm going to enjoy them and I'll just be whatever sort of hack writer I'm gonna be come what may.

Since I didn't feel like watching and counting movie stats I decided to rank some villains from the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic show. Please note that I'm not including stuff from Equestria Girls because I didn't watch any of those outside of the first one. That was enough. I'm also excluding Neighsay from this list because honestly, while he might have been misguided in some respects I think the princesses are partly to blame for some of his reactions. Besides, he came through in the end and actually did more to help in the end than the equine six.

The upcoming season is also not being taken into account because it hasn't started yet. So without further ado here's the list.

10. Nightmare Moon

It may seem early but honestly what did she do? Nightmare Moon is essentially just Luna having a temper tantrum. Her big achievement was that she didn't want to take the moon down and then had a, "Come at me bro," with Celestia which she lost. Even in the alternate timeline her world is probably the least bad. It's not war torn, it's not annoying or in the process of being burned to a crisp. It's just gloomy. Heck there are leaves still on the trees which means they can still grow crops so ... yeah.

Plus to top it all off Nightmare Moon's reign of terror between both appearances lasted a few hours. What a badass.

9. Discord

I know once again it may seem early but what really did he do? Sure he defeated the main characters and has powerful magic but let's face it all he's good at doing is being selfish and annoying. Heck that's why Celestia and Luna defeated him in the first place He's also easily suckered by another villain into doing his will. Let's face it this guy is more like an eight year old kid who wants you to play the game his way or he'll whine about it than a hardcore villain. If anything he was more successful as evil Spike.

Also, before you mention the Plunder Seeds a little magical Round-Up would have taken care of those no problem. Just saying.

8. Stygian aka. Pony of Shadows (PoS)

This guy actually did something villainous. He stole items belonging to the Pillars in order to make himself a cosplay because he wanted to be cool like them and fight along side them. Basically the dude is pony Syndrome (The Incredibles) with a bowl cut and less resources. What makes him weak is that in his episodes he, like most dudes with bowl cuts, talks a big game and then does nothing but get his butt kicked. In fact, if it weren't for the fact that he committed theft he'd be at the bottom of the list but considering the previous two didn't even do that and he's supposedly powerful with the magic like them, congratulations you jumped the two do nothings.

7. Cozy Glow

The only reason she's this low is because she didn't get results. Much like coffee top fives are for closers. Now to be fair she's devious, smart and really good at playing nice to get what she wants. She's like the love child of Tirek and Chrysalis what with her desires for world domination, draining magic and using positive emotional things for her own gain. She manages to imprison the main characters plus Starlight Glimmer. Celestia and the other princesses don't even catch on (admittedly no big deal). If it weren't for those meddling kids and their pet tree she might have pulled it off.

6. Princess Flurry Heart

I know what you're thinking but seriously she's done more damage and been more of a threat than the previous ones on the list combined. She blew up the Crystal Heart, almost wiped out the Crystal Empire with a blizzard that apparently nobody could stop until it was mandated they do so by the writing, threw a tantrum that could have injured a lot of sick ponies, and created some truly dangerous pudding that could have injured or killed everyone in Twilight's Castle. Now, you might say it was all unintentional but I'd say keep an eye on her. She's the only one who hasn't really been checked and her origin is questionable at best.

5. Tirek

This was a guy who could have been a lot lower on this list if it weren't for the princesses acting stupidly. Seriously his rise in power is mostly their fault due to their terrible planning. That was all he needed and he managed to drain Equestria of its magic pony by pony. He also duped Discord into working with him and expediting the process. If it weren't for deus ex machina and the need for a happy ending he would have conquered and held Equestria for longer than the few minutes he pulled it off.

4. Starlight Glimmer

She managed to rule a town (we could assume for awhile since that song and dance was pretty well choreographed) and steal everybody's marks including those who just happened to visit including the main characters. She set up a a socio-political system that echoed Orwell. She also managed to screw with the space time continuum leading to numerous different realities, none of which were great and some were terrible. As a villain Starlight was a skilled manipulator who if the map hadn't intervened would have held more turf than I think Twilight would like to imagine.

3. Queen Chrysalis

She was Queen of the Changelings and ruled a hive. She managed to beat Celestia once in combat (back when it was impressive). She more or less conquered Equestria twice but for very brief periods of time. The first time she was defeated by Cadence and Shining Armor. The second time she was defeated by the B-squad and her own hive. She briefly tried to make a comeback in one episode but failed.

She would score even higher than this if she'd held her gains for more than maybe a week. Heck if she hadn't been defeated by her son Thorax I'd probably move her up. However, since she fell short in those areas she drops to the three spot.

2. King Sombra

On the show all that he has managed to do thus far is get sucker punched and scare the crystal ponies. However, if we look at his history he did managed to take over and hold an empire all on his own. Not only did he take over the empire he held it for a long enough period of time to give the crystal ponies PTSD when it comes to the mere mention of his name. He then started using his magic and some pretty nifty armor to (in at least one reality) enslave and take on the princesses.

Now, he lost but he did manage to make HIS empire disappear so that it wouldn't be immediately taken back. I put a great deal of emphasis on the gains a ruler makes and what he takes. In a way he actually was the longest tenured ruler outside of Celestia. He deserves more consideration than he gets and I put him as an arguable silver medalist here because he was able to leave such an impact and technically hold his position for so long.

1. The Storm King

His minions defeated the princesses and the main six. Prior to coming to Equestria its said that he managed to conquer all of the southern lands which as far as the ponies seem to know is half of the world. He then gained the powers of the imprisoned alicorns and amused himself by making the sun and moon rise and fall as fast as he could. If it weren't for the fact that he was relatively goofy and reneged on a promise to his chief general he would have ruled indefinitely.

But pride comes before the fall and so he fell. Literally. That said he was the biggest villain that the world of Equestria has known as of yet. They have one season left to unseat him. Let's see if they do it.

Finally a clip of the time that Robert De Niro and Joe Pesci did voice work on the show. Enjoy.