Fic Reviews: They Ain't Gonna Know What Hit 'Em · 4:55pm Jan 28th, 2019
Let's get the elephant in the room out of the way first. Yes, it's Moviemaster. There, I said it. Okay, yes, I do understand the author in question is... divisive in the community to say the least, but I'm going to be fair here, and trollfic or not, maybe it's a parody and give this a review.
Sadly, I can't exactly link the story because of it's rating but I suppose you already knew that if you know the fic and author in question. Anyways, and I apologize again if I offend you for even touching this story.
Woo boy, Con-con 2018, the only nationwide convention celebrating the villain and antihero in us all! Almost everyone, myself included, is dressed up, and I’m no exception. I don’t have the money for an elaborate costume (the guy in the Alucard from Hellsing getup looks awesome!), but I can still do my part. I brought my T5i which is both my best accessory as well as a way to capture my experience at Con-con, and spiked my hair to be none other than Eddie Brock. Those in more elaborate costumes give me dirty looks, which makes me feel disheartened. I know that I'd look cooler if I came in a Venom bodysuit or something, but I didn't have the time or resources to get one. Either way, I'm going to enjoy myself in any way I can.
"Eddie Brock..."
I look over to my left and see a merch stand, the merchant in it looking precariously similar to the one from Resident Evil. I mean, if he's going for the Con-con look, he's sure as shit nailing it.
However, it's not exactly his wares that have me excited as I approach him. "You know who I went as?"
"Of course," he said. "It's a shame no one else is as perceptive as I am..."
"You can say that again."
"What if I could let you go as Venom instead?"
"You mean, like, you have a Venom costume to sell me?"
"...More or less."
Okay, considering this story is purposefully rushed, as it is after all either a troll fic or a parody, might be a bit of both I can't honestly critique this part.
I'm feeling a bit disheartened, taking a step to leave. "Hey man, I'm sorry, but I barely have enough money for meals and gas for my ride back home, so I'm going to have to take a pass."
His chuckle is a strange reaction, but upon him picking something out from behind his stand and placing it upon the counter, my intrigue is completely piqued. Swirling and sloshing around inside of a metallic cylindrical container with a glass display is a black, veiny blob of slime. Upon me walking up to it, it presses its form against the glass in my direction. I can hardly believe it myself and begin to question whether this is an elaborate prank or something, but I have to know.
"Is that... the Venom symbiote?"
"It is, and I'm more than happy to part with it for a mere $100 dollars."
100 smackeroos? I mean, I was hoping to get some food at the con, but for $100 dollars for a real Venom symbiote, I'll gladly eat McDonald's cheeseburgers for the rest of my vacation. Plus, if I have to dip a little into my savings, no big deal, I get paid this Friday.
Okay, now this bit? I honestly laughed at it, I seriously did. Because let's face it, what normal person would accept an offer from some mysterious looking guy handing out stuff at cheap prices like a lot of modern crap displaced fics do. You need to start subverting expectations like maybe have the Dealer force you into this. Or, as a Kamen Rider Ghost displaced fic did a while back, have the Dealer in question actually being a guy going undercover to investigate the mysterious disappearances.
"Thank you kindly..." Reaching back up at the container, he presses a button up on top, and the glass slides around a layer to open it up, the symbiote already pouring out from it.
I begin to step away as it rapidly smacks its way across the floor to me. "Hey, whoa, whoa! What's it doing?"
The merchant laughs at me. "Have a nice life..."
The symbiote clings to my pants, and before i can even think of kicking it off, it reaches my other legs and spreads up my buttocks and across my back and abdomen. The last thing I can feel as it goes from my chest to around my face is a tingling in my nether. For getting possessed by an alien parasite, this doesn't feel that bad...
____________
I wake up inside of an abandoned castle, and I feel tighter all over. Not like my clothes don't fit or anything, but more like I worked out every muscle fiber of my body and now my skin just can't keep it all in. Sitting up, I get a better idea of my surroundings. I'm definitely in some kind of ruins, and my clothes and camera are all here and...
Oh shit, I'm suddenly a hunk.
I mean, I was no flab-ass or anything, but Jesus, I'm ripped. I then feel my face, which is now broader and well more defined than I'm used to. So hold on, did that symbiote just turn me into Eddie Brock? Like the Eddie Brock?
Yeah, the way the Displaced meets Venom, a space parasite? Yeah, that's definitely true to the character, and because of the rapey possessive undertones, that's exactly why this works here. Venom is a parasite, make no bones about it. What a crappy Displaced author would do right about now is not think of the consequences of having Venom with you and just be some uber-cool guy with all of the powers and none of the drawbacks. A good Displaced author would constantly be having his lead fight Venom for control, like say Naruto and Kyuubi or Haruto and Dragon.
This makes no sense.
Yeah, no duh. Landing in a forest, castle ruins in front of you and you suddenly realize where you are? Yeah, no, just no. I mean, how can you suddenly realize hey, I'm in MLP just by landing in a forest that could look like any old forest with any old castle in it?
Suddenly a pinprick of black appears from existence just a few feet away from me, and it begins to spread. I fearfully back away as it reaches the floor, and out from it, a massive black horse walks out on its two hind legs like a normal person. It's body is covered in what I can only describe as a solid black smoke, its mane and tail more whisper and natural. Looking down on me, the horse person... smiled?
"A much more suitable host than this weak unicorn..." he mused.
Reaching his fingered hands at me, they began to stretch out into thin, cloudy tendrils that threatened to grab me. Before they could, the symbiote burst out from my chest, growing a pair of muscular arms and a head and face I was all too familiar with. I watched in awe as Venom himself snatched the smoke horse's fingers with one hand and then punch them off with the other. With a yelp, the horse person backed away as the disemboweled fingers turned into a single cloud that returned to its body.
"This body's already taken." My heart skips a beat upon hearing that dark, gravely voice with my own two ears.
He then hears my breathing, and Venom's incomplete form turns to face me, and now the sweat appears on my brow.
Ah yes, the Pony of Shadows. Weak villain, crap villain. Oh sure, Stygian himself worked as a character, but his possessed half? Pathetic. And this is where usually, the Displaced character would conquer the villain, like as TF Animated Headmaster would say... Total Ownage Noob. Yeah, you can tell by now I take a very dim view of Displaced stories. Make no mistake, I don't hate them, I just hate them when they're written terribly. Like seriously, a guy suddenly facing off against a Manticore or whatever with all the knowledge and skills of whoever he's been displaced as? No, just no. I'd like some realism in these fics.
Take my friend Thunderclap's work, A Passing Through Kamen Rider. Did he take on enemies with all the knowledge and power of Tsukasa from the get-go and win every fight? No. What happened was, he got a hard dose of reality at times and was challenged, so he went for training and even after that, he still got challenged. But back to the fic I'm reviewing. Remember when I said the crappy displaced hero would conquer his foe without any trouble, in a totally unrealistic manner? Yeah, that sorta happens here, but this is where the fic gets... weird. I've had to censor most of what follows, but what I can tell you is probably enough.
I can hardly believe it, and I just have to say something. "Oh, Venom senpai! I can't believe it's actually you!"
"You better believe it, Eddie-chan! Now come and give Venom some sugar!"
continued spreading about a my back, and soon after, my Eddie Cock.
My love, my love, my love, my love... he keeps me warm.
The shadow horse thing is just watching, a noticeable shade of pink, breaking through his pitch-dark cheeks. "No, fair! I want a symbiote fucking too!"
You know, I think this is where most of the dislikes came from, this particular bit, from angry fanboys who can't take a joke. Personally, I find it a masterful parody of what you'd usually expect to happen nowadays in Displaced fics, and if you excuse me I'll continue laughing for the next few moments.
"I no longer want to be a bad guy," the shadow horse proclaimed. "Now that I know there's someone out there who will love me, I don't need to be evil to feel good."
"Works for me," Venom said.
A chorus of gasping sounded out from behind us, and we all sit up to see that over a dozen ponies and a small child-like purple dragon, all of whom were anthropomorphic like the shadow horse and all had big titties (except for the guys), were standing there.
There were definitely going to be some 'splainin' to do.
More parodies, as generally, a Gary Stu would get a harem. And our Displaced hero here? He sorta does... Just not of the female variety. And I have to laugh, because he technically reformed a villain, just not with friendship. Possible needed lessons in gender politics aside, that was a riot.
Venom and me and the Shadow Pony then fucked the Mane 6 and the Pillars of Equestria in the assholes and ruled the world as host-and-symbiotes in arms, and the author would never have to think about this aborted-on-arrival story every again.
Fin.
Okay, that is seriously the end of the fic. Seriously. Most people can't seem to take a good joke and have pretty much downvoted this story to the ends of the earth, but I'm more accepting. I had a good long laugh. Seriously, Eddie Cock? That's genius. 7/10.
I'm kinda tempted to read this now. This has given me an idea to write a Displaced story, but nothing goes right. Like, the guy buys this artifact, and nothing extraordinary happens at all. Or he just doesn't buy it at all. Or he dies the instant he arrives in Equestria. Ideeeeeaaaaaa!
I find it funny that the protagonist was trying to save money and then dropped $100 on what someone who looked shady claiming was a real Venom symbionts. That part just broke my break from reality.
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That's part of the parody, don't you know?