Fic Reviews: Lavender Feathers · 1:38am Nov 24th, 2018
Okay, time for another fic review. I admit, this one caught my eye thanks to the interesting cover art and intriguing premise. Will it manage to hold itself up to my expectations? ...Well, no time like the present to find out!
The fic in question?
[Unpublished stories cannot be embedded]
Darkness was the only thing she saw when she tried to get out of the cramped room she was in. She even tried to shout, but she could not. Panic dominated her emotions and her heart beat faster. She did not remember how much she lay in this room, but it seemed to her that it was ages.
Twilight, looking for a solution, began to hit her head against the spherical wall. To her surprise, the wall began to crack and show the light. When she managed to get out of this prison, she was exhausted and exhausted and fell to the surface, which seemed to resemble hay. Twilight, slightly confused, looked up to see that the two silhouettes were looking at her. She saw it through the fog, so she did not recognize WHO looked at her. After a moment she recognized that they were griffons
"Welcome to the world, little one!'
One of the griffons came closer to examine her gaze with a small flashlight."Beautiful lavender" he said with a wide smile. The other Griffon sighed after him and said in a feminine voice "Watch out, because you'll blind her" with a sneer.
Okay, I admit this intro does get you hooked, as it makes you wonder how exactly Twilight ended up in this position, reincarnated as a baby griffon chick.
"Easy, I remember" he answered taking the flashlight from Twilight's eyes. Twilight, looking down, saw that there were claws where the hooves should be. She tried to shout, but it sounded more like babbling. Twilight touching the place where there should be a muzzle, felt a bony form that turned out to be a beak. Ironically, she felt feathers instead of fur.
Twilight began to weep because of the shock, and did not allow her to think that it was her new body. The female griffon began to hum a lullaby to calm down her daughter. Twilight began to listen to the melody. She did not associate this note with anything and heard it for the first time.
Young Griffoness became weary, and hugged HER MOTHER, sniffing her burgundy feathers. The smell resembled the smell of her previous mother.
For a moment she looked into her emerald eyes to blend back into the scent. After a moment, HER FATHER came to caress his daughter's wet head and settle with them on the nest.
Twilight looked at the egg shell from which she left and was absorbed in her own dreams..
I know there are instincts probably taking over, but honestly, if you ask me Twilight's taking this a little too quickly. She shouldn't exactly be allowing this change to happen so fast, she should still have pony instincts back somewhere in her mind that would probably fight this and not accept her new mother and father so quickly. And before you say anything, Twilight does remember her previous mother and therefore would have old memories.
Young Griffoness became weary, and hugged HER MOTHER, sniffing her burgundy feathers. The smell resembled the smell of her previous mother.
Proof's in the pudding right there. Also, it should the young griffoness slowly became weary, and hugged her mother (no all caps needed I should point out) and sniffed her burgundy feathers.
Also, egg shell? Should be one word, and this sentence doesn't need two periods.
Twilight looked at the egg shell from which she left and was absorbed in her own dreams..
Some hours later
Twilight woke up the loud whistling of the alarm clock that lay on the nest, Twilight yawned and spread her wings to straighten up and rub her eyes. "So it was not a dream ... So I'm really a Griffon?". The alarm did not only wake her, HER PARENTS also got up and turned off the alarm clock ... It was morning. HER FATHER brushed off the old feathers from his body and went to his daughter to greet her.
"Hello, how did you sleep?"
Nestling shrugged, and she had to admit that it was not as bad. Twilight's father smiled sheepishly and went to another room. Her mother, after switching off the alarm, went back to sleep, so Twilight could look around the room freely.
The room looked well-groomed. The walls were coral, and the nest on which she lay was rather comfortable than it looked. In the corner of the room lay toys, probably intended for her.Twilight sighed "I think Rainbow Dash would like this situation"
"BREAKFAST!" Voice from kitchen snapped her from her thoughts. Her eyes showed a griffon that held food in one claw, and in the other it held a bottle filled with milk. Because of the smell of food, her beak began to flow, and she did not remember when she last had a decent meal. Twilight opened the beak in the hope that she would eat something, but a plate of food went by her, and to her beak the father put a bottle of milk.
More problems. Again, HER FATHER and HER PARENTS do not need to be in all-caps, and there are a few grammar errors as well.
"BREAKFAST!" someone's voice from the kitchen snapped her from her thoughts. Her eyes showed a griffon that held food in one of his claws, and in the other, it held a bottle filled with milk.
That's what I think the sentence should look like. Also, why would Rainbow Dash like this? Is she an adult baby or something? This is a plot point that seemingly goes nowhere, and is never explained. Verges on being a big-lipped alligator moment.
"I'm sorry, my dear, but this food is for mommy and daddy, I hope you will like milk."
Nestling understood a little that her parents also have to eat, and she tried to be satisfied with the bottle. Using the beak to suck from the bottle was not the easiest one, so Twilight had problems with it.
Seeing the slight embarrassment of her daughter. Her mother kept the bottle so that the Nestling would not let it drop. Twilight felt relieved when the bottle stopped falling from her claws. Suddenly, someone called the door.
"I think this is a postman"
After these words, her father ran to the door and signed the documents related to the pack he got. He came back carrying a large box with him.
"What is it?" his wife asked.
"You will see" he smirked.
He took the scissors with him and began to cut the box along the tape. Twilight and her mother began to look with interest at the package. When her father opened the package, he took out a very small purple sweater.
Twilight raised an eyebrow.
"This is a sweater for our star"
"Really? A Sweater?" Twilight thought to herself, while drinking milk from the bottle.
Before she looked back, she was raised by his claws.
"Let's check if it fits"
Sentences are simple, and probably could be spiced up a bit here and there. Plus, most of them are missing periods and some words like sweater are capitalised when they shouldn't be. It's possible English isn't the author's first langauge, but still...
Also, I think a certain sentence should be reworked. Here's what I'd do with it.
Nestling understood a little that her parents also have to eat, and she tried to be satisfied with the bottle. Using the beak to suck from the bottle was not the easiest one, so Twilight had problems with it.
The little nestling that was Twilight understood somewhat that her parents had to eat, and so she tried to satisfy herself with the bottle. Using her beak to suck from said bottle was not the easiest of tasks, so Twilight had a few problems in that regard.
Now, which of the two looks better? Your thoughts?
Without thinking her father started to wear a sweater on Nestling. At the beginning, Twilight objected, but the sweater was so warm. When he finished putting on a sweater for her, it looked like it fit like a glove.
"She looks so adorable" her mother told her husband
"i know right!?" he commented
Twilight blushed at these words, and tried to take off her sweater, because her back was swelling hard. Her parents decided to give way and took her sweater off.
"I almost would forget ... How should we call her?"
"Her feathers are beautiful like lavender, so ... Lavender Feathers!"
Twilight began to make a happy squeal after hearing it.
"I think she is liking that name" male griffon commented.
"So let it be" female griffon answered.
It was something new for Twilight, because from now on she was "Lavender Feathers"
Again, sentences are not ending in periods or commas. This is basic grammar, I shouldn't have to explain this!
Same with this, I shouldn't have to make an alteration like this. "I know right?" he commented.
For whatever reason, possibly because the second chapter isn't any longer than the first I'll continue on. But first.
Author's Note:
This is my first fanfiction, so do not judge me too harshly, because I write for the first time.
Sorry, even if this is your first fanfiction, it's my job as a reviewer to help you improve. And I'm not merciful on stories by nature, so if I ruffle your feathers I do apologize but...
"Don't worry Mr. Changeling does not intend to hurt you, maybe you should offer him a hug?"
Twilight looked at her mother for a moment and walked over to a black plushie with blue eyes. She hesitated for a moment.
"Go ahead ... Do not be afraid" her mother supported Twilight, smiling to her.
Twilight slowly began to approach, until her eyes and plush were at an equal height. Twilight, without thinking, hugged the soft toy as much as she could.
"Bravo!" her mother applauded, after a moment she looked at her watch.
"What does your father do in this shop for so long?" she said slightly grimacing. Twilight shrugged and went back to cuddling the plushie. The doorbell rang, and without losing strength, she ran to the door and opened it.
"Where were you?" she said with a malicious expression on her face.
"Anger for beauty is harmful." he joked.
"Keep these jokes for later ... Lavender is hungry." she said while raising Twilight on claws.
"It's good that I bought a ground apple in a jar." he answered. Twilight saw the image of Applejack in front of her eyes.
"Apples or not, she must eat something" she said giving Nestling to her husband, after which she went to unpack the shopping.
"I still bought some meat to goulash." he added. "I hope Lavi does not mind" he looked at Twilight with a smirk, after which he put her back on the nest and kissed her on the forehead.
"Thank Celestia" she took out the meat and put it in in the fridge, then she came to her husband.
"Do not you think we would start teaching Lavi flying?" she asked him.
"She is still too young ... She should rest more"
"If you say so"
After these words, "Lavender's" mother went to cook a meal. Her father knelt beside his daughter and whispered in her ear.
First things first, I should explain what Goulash is actually. From Wikipedia: Goulash (Hungarian: gulyás [ˈɡujaːʃ]) is a stew of meat, usually seasoned with paprika and other spices.[1] Originating from the medieval Hungary, goulash is a popular meal predominantly eaten in Central Europe but also in other parts of Europe.
Sorry, figured that was needed, I had to look this up for context.
"Where were you?" she said with a malicious expression on her face.
"Anger for beauty is harmful." he joked.
First off, I don't see why the still yet to be named griffon mom would be so angry. Unless the two have a very toxic relationship, in which case the two being near Twilight worries me. Should be elaborated on more, might make an interesting plot line. Tip from a fellow author.
Also, that joke, I don't get it because of the wording and I'm not sure what the author was trying to convey. Also, agaIn, sentences are not ending in periods or commas. if you can, I suggest downloading Grammarly damiranc1. Just a thought, could be a useful tool.
"I will show you someday how our beautiful Griffonstone looks like"
Father lay down next to her and hugged her, which caused confusion in the barely conscious Twilight. When Twilight regained consciousness, she began to smile at him, and affectionately kissed him in the chest. His purple eyes were very beautiful, but his caramel feathers would win the beauty contest. However, the voice from the kitchen again "woke her" from her thoughts.
"Would you like Goulash or Bigos. I think that you would love to eat goulash" her mother asked her husband.
"I do not love eating goulash as much as you" he complimented her.
"This is a good answer" she blushed, and she went back to making dinner.
Twilight rolled her eyes when she heard their compliments, and she started babbling to distract her father. He nuzzled his daughter's head, then he got up and carried Twilight on a high chair, after which he closed it so that the Nestling would not fall from a great height. After a while her father returned with something reminiscent of banana yogurt, and he began to hold the spoon in front of the Nestling's eyes.
"There goes an airplane" he chirped happily. He put the spoon into the yogurt and began to feed it towards Twilight. Nestling looked at the terrible-looking substance and hesitated slightly before opening her beak. When Twilight swallowed yogurt, it turned out to be quite good, and she eagerly ate the second spoon. Her beak was still too small, so she did not notice that yogurt was running from that place.
Her father saw it and took out a handkerchief, and began to clean her beak in concentration, after which he threw the handkerchief into the trash.s
"Who is dirty eater?" he asked happily.
Twilight blushed, then laughed nervously, because she did not expect that someone would have to feed her.
"I almost forgot ... I would like to introduce someone to you" her father said and flew to the second floor.
Twilight, looking out the window, noticed that her and her parents' house was a treehouse, and on the second tree opposite her was the second treehouse. Twilight guessed it was their neighbors. Her father came back carrying a cage with ... A SNAKE. It happened to her that her parents were breeding a snake, the most hated animal of her. His orange scales and small size indicated that he was an corn snake.
The problem with this fic is, and I don't mind slice-of-life fics in the slightest I should point out, but the problem is this fic runs on cuteness and nothing else. There's simply nothing going on. We don't even know how Twilight died, and why she was reincarnated as a griffon of all things. I'd suggest damiranc1, shake up the plot a little. Make this marriage of our still two unnamed griffons a little shakey, as it's not coming across as a very intelligent relationship. By that, I mean the father keeps making stupid mistakes such as placing a snake near his chick, or the mother mistaking said snake for something actually venomous.
"Charon, say hello to the new family member" he said slowly opening the cage. The snake, after noticing that it is free, began to approach the frightened Nestling. Expecting the snake want to strangle her, Twilight closed her eyes as her blood flowed quickly to her heart. Thinking that after her, and not knowing that she was alive, Twilight opened her eyes and noticed that Charon was hugging her with his tail.
"Do not be afraid of Charon ... He is a friendly serpent" Her father stated, trying to calm down his child.
"What the hay are you doing???" Her mother had (and it seemed to her) react in time. She quickly removed Charon from Twilight and put it back in the cage, and she took it upstairs. Her mother wore an apron.
"Did you ever think Charon could hurt her" she asked furiously
Her husband nodded.
Her mother, stopping her anger, said "You are sleeping on the couch today"
'Bu-" he tried to protest
"No buts" she answered "You have put our only daughter in danger"
"BU-" he still tried to explain.
"I wanted her to feel safe and not feel like everyone was an enemy here"
"BU-"
"Just shut up already" she giggled "You'll still sleep on couch" she added
Her dad, with his head down, flew to bring a quilt and a pillow. Her mother for a while looked at Twilight.
"Are you alright?" she checked if there were any wounds.
Twilight nodded
Suddenly, Twilight and her mother felt the smell of burning.
"GOULASH!!" her mother quickly ran to the kitchen to "save" the meal.
Twilight felt embarrassed when her parents forgot to take her out of the chair.
...What a healthy relationship. If these two don't get divorced soon, then I'd be very surprised.
Also...
Her mother had (and it seemed to her) react in time
I don't think the (And it seemed to her) is needed for this sentence.
Honestly, I'm not really motivated to go on to the third, and final chapter though to be honest as I've come this far I'll do it anyways.
"How could you forget about us?" asked a blue mare with a rainbow mane.
"I have not forgotten about YOU, I SWEAR!" the Nestling tried to explain.
"LIAR!" Rainbow Dash shouted at her. "You made your life as an griffon, and you think you can forget about us?" she continued.
"N-NO BELIEVE ME!" Twilight cried, trying to calm the situation. HER FRIENDS gathered around her, looking expressionless at the frightened Nestling.
"YOU DISSAPOINTED ME TWILIGHT SPARKLE!" Twilight turned back, seeing Celestia with rage in her purple eyes.
"P-PRINCESS YOU'RE HERE!" Twilight made a good face to the bad game.
"YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO CALL ME LIKE THAT" she angrily shouted "YOU DESERVE TO LAY IN THE TARTARUS"
"N-" before Twilight could answer anything, she fell into the abyss, making a loud scream.
--------------------------------------------
Twilight woke up with a loud screech and woke up her mother. Her mother, seeing the horror in her daughter's eyes, began to stroke her head and quickly took the claw from her head, when she felt her face being hot.
"GRAVIS CALL FOR AN AMBULANCE!!"
"W-what happened?" asked, barely conscious griffon, lying on the couch.
"LAVENDER HAS 104°F FOR CELESTIA'S SAKE!!" she cried with panic in her voice. The terrified father ran quickly to the telephone.
-------------------------------------------
The doctor took the thermometer from Twilight's beak and studied it. He also gave her ibuprofen, then he sat down at his bench.
"What about her doctor?" the worried father asked. The doctor looked at worried parents and then looked at his documents.
"I'm afraid that your daughter got a fever because of fear" The doctor replied correcting his coat. In both parents the feathers reared up.
"What do you mean?" her mother asked with slight anxiety. "Do you think that we are bad parents?"
"Of course not" he answered. "I meant she could have a bad dream"
"How can a bad dream cause a fever?" her father asked. "Lavender is a strong griffon"
"Dunno" the doctor answered. "But you can guess that she misses someone"
Massive grammar errors, and missing words, unneeded caps and how the hell can a bad dream cause a bloody fever? For God's sake. Also, how can this doctor know that Twilight misses someone? How, just how? Explain this to me.
------------------------------------------
After returning home, her parents put Twilight on a nest and covered her with a blanket so she would not be cold. The fever was the first disease that Twilight underwent, Twilight's parents called for a babysitter, because they themselves had to buy ibuprofen from the prescription. After waiting for half an hour, the babysitter finally came. For Twilight, not knowing where she seemed to be familiar.
"Please, take care of our daughter Miss..."
"... Gilda ... just Gilda ..."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Milk for Lavender is in the kitchen" her mother said to Griffoness.
"...Yeah...yeah ... I will remember" Gilda continued to look at the Nestling.
"...And remember, apply her hot water bottle to her head if she was shaking with cold." her father added. After these words, Twilight's parents left. Gilda turned to the Nestling lying on the nest. Twilight always remembered Gilda as "the evil one" that frightened Fluttershy.
As the teenage griffoness began to approach her, Twilight tried to step back, but her limbs refused to obey because of weakness. However, Gilda did something that Twilight did not expect from her. She laid down and propped Twilight under her chest. It turned out that Griffoness was trying to warm up The Nestling. Twilight was surprised by the fact that Gilda did not care that she could get the flu.
"Shhh... It's okay dweeb" she said pressing Twilight to her chest.
Twilight felt all the warmth from Gilda's body pass to her, and unable to resist the sensation, the Nestling huddled closer to Griffoness and fell asleep.
-----------------------------------------
Finally, someone competent as a parent, and a possible clue as to what happened. If the author hasn't screwed the ages up and I still think he has given I believe Twilight and co are older than teenagers, we can guess Twilight died young.
Twilight could not remember how much she slept, but her ears began to hear some humming, but even her eyes refused to obey her, and she could not open them. So she decided to listen to the melody, because it was the only thing she could do. The melody resembled the one that her mother sang after hatching.
She heard the sounds of stamping, and felt Gilda put a bottle of milk in her beak. She felt her hold her head and keep the bottle from falling from her beak, which made Twilight uncomfortable.
"I would not be a good babysitter if I did not feed you." she giggled.
Although it was not seen, Twilight rolled her eyes, and she returned to eating. she felt then how she lifted her up and patted her on the back. Twilight coughed and opened her eyes with all her might.
The Nestling squealed cheerfully when she managed to open her eyes. She regained feeling in her claws and wings, but she started to panic when she did not feel in her hind legs. She knew... Something was wrong with her.
"Something wrong, friend?" she asked worriedly.
Twilight coughed, giving a sign "Yes".
Gilda laid the nestling in a lying position and touched it all over her body, checking if she was in pain. Teenage griffin began to touch her claws to her hind legs, and so on and on, which was very much like a massage for Twilight. Gilda then turned Twilight on the back to check her wings.
As she touched her back, Twilight began to squeak and curl in pain, and she tried to take the claws of her babysitter. Gilda, seeing the behavior of her ward, decided to take it from her back.
Big unnecessary gap between might and The Nestling, might want to fix that. Also, more missing words in obvious spaces and basic sentences. I feel like I'm reading something by someone who's just barely started writing. Maybe I'm being too harsh, as I get the feeling English is not the first language of the writer but...
"Shhh… it's okay dweeb" Gilda said without letting her know that she was worried. In her eyes you could see she was worried about the Nestling.
Twilight looked at the nervous babysitter and began to cry. She did not even know herself because of the pain or excess of emotion. Gilda, trying to calm the crying griffon, just put her under to warm her up.
"Shhh…" were the only words that Gilda spoke to her. At the time, Twilight felt her warmth at her heart, and hugged the big griffon. However, back pain was strong enough to cause her to cry more loudly.
"I'm calling your parents ... They should take you to the hospital." she said.
Without a moment's reflection, Gilda handed the phone over and picked up the phone, dialing the number.
"Hello?... Something is wrong with your daughter"
One question. PHONE? From what we saw in the show proper, I highly doubt Griffonstone has any phones, and won't for a long time. Seriously, the place was like something out of Fallout when we saw it finally in the show, with very little technological advancement. Actually, I doubt Equestria proper has phones, even as advanced as they are.
Honestly, like you probably already guessed I couldn't get invested in this fic between the logical flaws, the grammar errors and the little plot there actually is. It's a nice thought in theory, this particular plot, but sadly it hasn't been well-executed.
Final score tallying this up? 5/10.
This did seem to be a mixed bag. I was interested in it at first because of the premise, but as time went on, I began to skim the paragraphs. That should never happen in good fanfiction. If put into the hands of a skilled writer this could have worked beautifully, but this felt as stale as old unseasoned bread.
4972235
Yeah, you pretty much summed it up I think.