Fic Reviews: That New Car Smell · 4:39pm Nov 10th, 2018
Okay, can you possibly pray for my soul here? I'm not going to lie to you, this fic... Well, if it were food and Gordon Ramsey were to be reviewing it, he'd say it's FUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKINGGGG RAW! Yes, it's that bad. Now, the fic in question?
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Driving off the lot in his new 2018 Dodge Demon, Alan has a weird feeling that things are about to change. Once home Alan parks his Demon next to his modified 2015 Hellcat Challenger "Black Betty" along with his Modded 2017 Viper ACR "Nightmare" and his SRT-10 Ram "Blackout" Little does he know he's gonna wake up in a new world
Now, first off can anyone tell me what's wrong with the description here? If anyone says "Wish Fulfillment" then you'd be correct. And once again, this fic shows how to do human in Equestria badly if there's actually ever such a way to do it right. But I digress. Now, there's something the author has failed to take into account, namely that in the real world it'd be impossible for any average man to take care of these cars, and maintain them, especially in Equestria. Fuel, for one thing, I doubt Equestria has that. Not to mention other non-renewable resources like oil, radiator fluid, coolant and such. Now, let me give you the base prices on these cars.
Dodge Demon: $84,995 dollars
Hellcat Challenger: $58,650 dollars
Viper ACR: $118,795 dollars
Dodge Ram: $22,390 dollars
And these are just the base prices for the unmodified models. God knows what modified cars would cost. You can already see which direction this fic is going already.
As Alan walked into the dealership he knew his life was gonna change, today he was buying an 840 horsepower 2018 Dodge Demon. Once he sat down he already knew he was in love, starting it up for the first time he got goosebumps
"Heheheh guess that's why the call it a Demon" he said to himself. On the way home he was stopped at a red light, next to him was a Mustang GT350R he revved his engine to let the guy know its on. Turning on launch control he knew this would be easy. The light turned green. "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeseeeeer" the supercharger was all Alan heard and before he knew it, he won.
When he got home he opened his garage.
Yeah, I had to check something. Aside from the Dodge Demon basically screaming (Quite literally maybe in it's case) that I'm over compensating, it's just barely street legal. Just barely. Allow me to quote Road and Track:
Dodge has announced the Challenger SRT Demon, a crazy fast car which will certainly burn some rubber and set some nice ETs at the drag strip. Of course, getting your hands on one of these limited-edition cars will mean that you have to fork over the money and get in line. But there is one more twist in this story which is making headlines. To buy the Demon, you have to sign a legal document specific to this model. What is the legal effect of this extra document?
The document in question is three pages long, counting the signature page. It is entitled an “ACKNOWLEDGEMENT.” The Acknowledgement, which you can read here, is not as bad as you might think, but it does serve a purpose.
The Demon is sold with various equipment uncommon on typical street cars. For instance, you can buy one with no passenger seats. The car comes with skinny front wheels which are pretty much only useful on a drag strip, and enough hard-launching horsepower to get you in trouble in a hurry. It is clear that the Acknowledgement form is primarily being used by Dodge to guarantee that some knucklehead out there doesn’t buy one of these cars and then go tearing off and kill someone—or him/herself—and then try and sue Dodge for making the car exactly as it was advertised.
So, it's limited edition as well meaning you can't just go out and buy one on a whim. Plus, street racing. Pretty damn sure that's illegal. What a wonderful protagonist ladies and gents! He's probably going to get himself or some poor pony killed with his so-called 'Need for Speed" and The Fast and Furious style driving. No, I take that back. This driving would be an insult to the Fast and the Furious series, as those movies are actually good and have well-developed characters.
Hello girls, daddy's home!" he got to work putting new halos in his demon. When he was done he pulled out his phone, he opened up the app and moved the color wheel the halos changed in sync with the app.
"All set" he said as he walked away to admire his babies. His black Viper ACR, his Matte black SRT Hellcat, his big girl SRT-10 Ram, his 70' challenger Hellcat, and his Demon."Ok all of you are full of gas and ready to kick ass. Ok all day time running Led's are set to red, check. All cars clean, check. All cars have coolant, check. All cars look beautiful.....of fucking course! Ok Good night ladies, sleep well. As Alan walked through to his living room he felt funny, like he's gonna get a big surprise soon. He headed upstairs turned his Xbox on, and sat behind his driving simulator.
"Ok, Motorsport 7 or Horizon 3?" He chose Motorsport because of the demon. After finally getting tired he laid down in bed, wishing someone was near him but no one was. After his mom, dad, brother and sister passed in a car accident and he started making money he isn't social, and the only girls that talk to him are gold diggers. Thinking about that he finally passed out.
Excuse me while I vomit again for being reminded that this guy plays my favorite racing game series. I riffed this fic once over Discord with my friends Magic Step and Seriff Pilcrow and we all had a good long laugh at this. Honestly, I'm already getting the feeling this fic is for the gearheads and nobody else, it's a niche genre. Look, I get it, dude, you love your cars -or at least love the ones you wish you could have as unless you're dealing hard-core drugs I highly doubt you'd be able to afford them- but no reason to go off and write a whole fic solely devoted to them in this manner.
Ponyville, Equestria 3:11a.m.
Twilight awoke to a lot of commotion outside, when she got outside she noticed a strange house next door to her.
"Everypony go home and go to sleep I will send a letter to the princess and she will handle this, now go home all of you!" after saying that she realized she was kind of rude with that, shrugging it off she went back inside and got to writing. When she was done she realized something. "spiiiike, psst spiiiiiike" she whisper yelled."huh?.....what?" He was waking up.
"Hey can you send this to the Princess?" She asked with a exaggerated smile,
"Seriously?....couldn't it wait?" he said.
"No this is urgent. Pleeeeeeeaaaaaase?" She asked.
"Hmph fine but let me sleep in tomorrow!" He demanded
"ok ok sheesh! Calm down! Here." After spike had sent the letter, Twilight heard a loud noise 'a monster attack? This late at night?' She thought to her self. She went out side and what she seen scared her. A large door on the house opened revealing a beast that appeared to be made of metal, it had red eyes, stood on all fours, had matte black skin, and stared right at her.
Okay, quick jump cut much? Never mind the fact that it is in NO WAY explained how Alan, possibly the most boring protagonist in the world (As he only has one or two traits, caring about his cars and wishing for a women who won't mind his bad prowess in bed... Er sorry, wishing for a woman that loved him) has arrived in Equestria. Mein Gott, I'm so tired of this shit already.
After the metal beast came out of the house the door closed behind it, it sped of towards the hills roaring loudly. That was it. Twilight has had enough,she teleported inside and what she saw terrified her. Four more of that beast where sitting there only one was a little bigger than the one that was awake, the rest where a bit smaller two looked alike while the smallest was sleeker and lower to the ground. She quickly teleported out careful not to wake the others.
Alan's pov
"What was that thing?! It looked like a horse but it was purple, and why does it look like I've been sent back in time?" He got a slight glimpse of his surroundings before he left, they are more offroad rally type terrain. Thankfully Mia has a mad max inspired build. (yes his cars are named deal with it) Alan figured it was time to head home. Once home he saw the same purple horse but it poked its head out of a door. 'a house? It lives in that house?'
He got inside he got out of Mia and patted her fender "You did good for your first offroad run." He said softly. He walked outside and knocked on the 'tree's door? A tree? How didn't I see that' he thought.
Mia? Who the Hell is Mia? And yes, how did you not see a giant fucking tree in front of you? That kinda driving style and situational awareness -or lack of- is what gets idiots like you killed!
Twilights pov
Twilight walked to the door and without a second thought she opened it. Upon seeing a 6' Mythical creature is not what she expected.
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"they both screamed. Alan decided to be the brave one and slowly approach the cowering 'unicorn/Pegasus? Seriously how do I not notice this shit?!' He thought to himself.
"Sshh sshh sshh. Hey I'm not gonna hurt you" Seeing that the pony calmed down he asked a question,
"hey, you screamed. Ca-can you....Can you speak?" Twilight gulped and nodded her head up and down slowly, still shaking. Alan noticed this and put on a soft smile "hey....you got a name?" Twilight opened her mouth but quickly closed it
"how can I trust you?" She asked.
Alan, taken back still surprised on the fact that ponies can talk said
"Ok.....Hi my name is Alan Pearce what's your's?"Twilight thought for a minute before saying, "M-m-my name is Princess Twilight Sparkle."
Alan went wide eyed, got up and bowed "My apologies Princess I was unaware I was in the presence of royalty."
Twilight, blushing said, "please, there's no need for that." Alan sat down and realize how much of a dork he is, and being the dork that he is said.
"Hey wanna see my Babies?" Seeing how quizzically she was looking at him he stood up and motioned her to follow him. Once in front of that big door Twilight didn't like this, The door started opening and Twilight bolted behind Alan. He noticed this but just walked into the garage flipping on the lights he yelled, "Daddy's home!" Twilight expected them to wake up but instead nothing happened.
"Why didn't they wake up?" Twilight asked. Alan just looked at her with a sly charming smirk. "
oh Twilight they are just machines but to me they are family."Twilight's turn to go wide eyed "Machines!? How?! That black one moved so fast! Alan smiled and said,
"You thought that was fast? HA! Wait till you see 'Dragulina'!"
Oh, just fuck me with a ten-foot pole and a hooful of balefire for the apocalypse is surely nigh. This fic is that bad. Note to self, when I get my copy of Forza Horizon 4 for Christmas, challenge a Dodge Demon in a real race with a Mustang 350R and show Alan who would come out on top in a real road race, not just a straight off the line drag. Yes, I'm that petty.
As for how I rate the fic? 1/10.
Or in other words... (Oh god, I now just noticed the Author's name and his bio pic, which is the Dodge Hellcat logo) Linkara, if you please?
Uh a story about a car.
4965926
About all these cars. ...I just have no words. shakes head
Duh duh duh I love cars. I can't spell. I don't know how to put sentences together. I never read a book in my life.
4966368
That's what it seems to pretty much amount to.
I feel like this fic would have so much better if the protagonist had only one car that he loved dearly, instead of several cars.
That way, the reader’s attention would not be divided among all the cars. We can instead focus on the type of “chemistry” and relationship the protagonist has with the one car. It’s kind of like how certain stories are improved when the reader only has to focus on one or two characters as opposed to, like seven.
Granted, this is assuming the only problem of this fic is “the reader can’t connect with Alan’s hobby…”
…which is not the case. There are more problems with this story than there are bacteria in a single Petri dish.
4966400
Agreed, I may have to go back to this fic and highlight every other issue.
Oh yeah, and how come this fic got a 1/10? I’ve seen fics get a 0/10 from your end, so what gave this one a single point?
4967689
Honestly, I don't know. Maybe because I was feeling a bit nicer than normal that day?