And here we go again... [RIFF][NSFW/NSFL/NSFS/NSFYPBS] · 1:44pm Oct 25th, 2012
Good evening, dear fanbase. I bring you many wonders from the worlds of riffing. Oh, it's clopfiction night AGAIN, you say?! Why that must be celebrated with something utterly wretched! Tonight's story is...
"THE DIGNIFIED PROSTITUTE!"
This humble little tale of horror and perversity comes to us from the mind of Dermuffinmeister, who has previously written gems like "The Canterlot Tails" and "Discord's Sword". Now, something tells me that I don't exactly have to have an MIT degree in Utter Insanity to figure out that his other stories are clop material. And I've had the displeasure of reading Mr. Meister's handywork before and if "Discord's Pen" is any indication, we're in for quite a ride. Got my photo of Mr. Bricken in front of me, my loaded .44 and one (Read: a dozen) liter of the strongest bleach my local co-op could provide me with.
Ready? *inhales*
Time to die...
Amadeus reached down and scratched the itch, navigating around his massive morning erection.
It's always nice to start a story with a massive horsecock.
He sniffed in the morning and sat up from the hotel bed
How exactly do you "sniff in" the morning? Wouldn't that result in the destruction of the whole space-time continuum and your death? Did he sniff the whole morning up or just parts of it?
It had been a week, a week today, since his last client had passed out from exhaustion.
Wow, that amazingly well hung and extremely skilled OC stallion bears an uncanny resemblance to the author, doesn't he?
Saving up was the worst and best part of his filthy job.
Saving up what?
Actually, don't answer that.
He stooped over, aiming his wood so that most of the piss would get in the bowl.
Most of the piss? If your cock is so big that you are satisfied with getting "most" of the piss into the toilet bowl, you need help.
He ran a hand through his very short brown hair and fought the urge to rub one out.
Who the fuck runs their fingers trough their hair immediately after scratching their pubes? That's disgusting on so many levels.
An old girlfriend would be by tonight, and he grinned knowing that tonight’s pussy wouldn’t be a part of an undersexed, overweight housewife.
See? He's a Gary Stu prostitute and his life is so damn hard. It's a total chore to fuck women mares every damn night, isn't it?
Tonight, he would leave the lights on.
"...is it in yet..?"
"Ow, that's my eye, you dipshit"
"Sorry, how 'bout now?"
"Get your damn cock out of my nose and turn the fucking lights on"
Smiling wide at that thought, and his morning wood failing to go away, he put on some trousers and checked the time. The sun was barely up on the brisk October morning, but he didn’t care. Amadeus slipped into his clothes and a light Navy hoodie, then headed out.
He took his morning jog seriously, forging a winding route through a park and the downtown district. He saw plenty of alluring young ladies, and even gave a playful wink or five, but kept his pace.
MARES YOU DIPSHIT.
He returned from his five-mile route in time for the cruddy hotel breakfast, complemented by a protein shake from home. He scarfed down his biscuits and gravy and took a shower. After a quick trip to the weight room, he packed his things and checked out.
Weight room, protein shake, winking at mares...
YEP
Today was a burner day, nothing to do until tonight. Amadeus talked with some friends on the phone, strolled through the park, meandered through the mall, taking a cab on his pimp’s money the whole time.
ACCURATE REPRESENTATION OF HIS FELLOW DICKHEA- I MEAN FRIENDS.
He might feel bad, if Twilight wasn’t on the royal payroll.
AND HERE WE SEE THE AUTHOR GOING FOR THE CANON RAPE HIGHSCORE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
He smiled and sipped a latte, which was just milk and coffee. Two underage girls gave him a wave and a wink and strutted past, flaunting their fast metabolisms and tight asses. He let himself stare, knowing his balls would have a relief later.
So, he's a pedophile as well now? Wonderful...
The day passed painfully slowly, so he bought some more rubbers, some nice cd’s, a bottle of champagne, a smaller bottle of vodka, and another latte. That stuff was damn good.
Only douchebags and pedophiles mix Champagne with Vodka but that's something we already established.
Night finally came, and finally, Amadeus went to the new, nicer hotel. He checked in, paid with a check, and got his suite. He changed and set up the room with the jazz cd he picked out, and set out for the nearby four star restaurant.
Knowing Mr. Look-at-me-ain't-I-just-a-great-old-twat, he bought a HARDCORE JAZZ DANCEFUSION CD.
During the short cab ride, Amadeus checked his picture of Jackie one more time. A cute girl, three years younger than him and petite. Her chest was small, he remembered, just like he loved them.
Why should he care, mares don't have tits anyway.Wait, is this taking place in some ass-backwards anthro universe? If so, may The Emperor help us all.
“Remember:” the text from Twilight read. She used a damn colon, like pimping required proper format.
I WOULD TRY TO EXPLAIN THIS PROPERLY TO YOU BUT MY MIND STILL CANNOT WRAP ITSELF AROUND THE VERY CONCEPT OF "TWILIGHT THE PIMP" ALSO WHY THE HELL DO YOU DO THIS TO US YOU SICK SICK MOTHERFUCKER HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE
“she wants a little slap and tickle, but no rough stuff. Choking, etc. is likely excessive. Fuzzy handcuffs and spanking, however, is strongly encouraged. Feel free to show me what you learned Sunday night, love. ;)”
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHAT YOU LEARNED SUNDAY NIGHT?! IS TWILIGHT SOME SORT OF HORRIBLE SEX TEACHER TURNED PIMP NOW AAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHHH
THAT WAS FIVE TOTHS AND WE AREN'T EVEN AT THE SEX PART YET, GOD DAMN.
...okay, I'm back...
You know what, forget it, I'm not gonna retsufuck the whole damn restaurant scene, since that can be summed up in "OH LAWDY SHE'S A SEMI-LESBIAN!" and "OH IS DAT SUM VAGINAL FLUID?!"
The bitch is called Jackie and that's all you need to know. Let the horror begin.
Inside, there wasn’t a second to react. Amadeus’ jacket was off an instant before the door slammed closed, his pants the next. Jackie set her purse down on a flat surface in the darkness as Amadeus unzipped her gown and kissed her neck, feeling her small breasts from behind. Jackie stifled some moans as she pulled out some fabrics and cuffs and things.
Please, for the love of all that's under the damn Sun, don't give me the definition of "things". Not in this fucking context, at least.
Amadeus let her go and flipped on the light, revealing the well furnished room. Jackie stood up straight, some skimpy outfits hanging from her hands. She walked into the room, then ran and jumped onto the bed. Amadeus kicked off his shoes and nearly ripped off his expensive shirt, then sprinted to the bed. He lept and tackled her, kissing her soft lips and tasting her tongue and slipping his hands all over. Eventually, they slowed down enough to take her dress off.
THE TARGET AUDIENCE RIGHT NOW:
Jackie kicked her heels off and landed palm-first on on his chest. Amadeus let her explore his strong body, gladly letting her straddle him as he adjusted some plush pillows. He held Jackie’s long, slender body by the sides and felt her knees rise up along his sides. She sits back on his lap, gently grinding her great, round ass into his groin.
Mixing up tenses there, aren't we? Maybe the writer's getting a bit too involved into the storyline, if you know what I'm saiyng.
“Alright,” Amadeus says softly, looking over Jackie’s great, slim form. “How do you want to do this? Change into your stuff now? Warm up some? You name it!”
"No, seriously, anything at all! I do pedophilia, rape, vore, BDSM, cannibalism, urophilia..." Amadeus got lost counting all the things his perverted writer made him do. Somewhere, deep inside, his mind begged for death.
A little squeal of delight escaped Jackie’s cute lips when her boy toy rubbed his tool along her wet twat. “No no,” she says, getting up. “You’re the boss man tonight, mister boss man. It’s you, and you get to fuck me, any way you want. Just chain me up and throw away the key!”
"Okay then!" said Amadeus, taking out a surgical kit "We're gonna turn you into a Japanese Anime Girl!"
Again, the sex part is staggeringly long, so here's some of my favourites:
“Oh Amadeus, please forgive me,” Jackie said in her little voice. She lifted the pink fuzzy handcuffs up on a dainty finger and cocked her hips, the first finger on her other hand in her mouth. “I’ve been so bad, but I can’t help it: it feels soooooo good. Come, Amadeus,” she said softly, striding over with slow steps. Amadeus felt his dick throb several times at her voice, he wanted to muffle it with his member badly. “I can’t stand not being punished, though. I just need to feel the wrath of justice, Amadeus.”
“Oh my god!” Jackie nearly cried out as she turned around, dropping two pairs of fuzzy handcuffs. She gulped hard and kneeled down to get her cuffs. “I, I knew it was going to be big, but this is fucking crazy.”
“You’re not done yet, slut,” he whispered in her ear, his cock resting between her red butt. “You’ve been so bad, I’m going to have to tie you up and show you what it’s like for little whores like you on the other side. You’re my bitch tonight, and I’m going to fuck you like a bitch.” Amadeus rubbed his shaft all up and down her wet skin, squeezing her round ass with his knees. “You’re going to scream and beg and whine, but you’re getting nailed tonight whether you like it or not.”
“Sorry!” softly came from under the sheets. Amadeus laughed to himself and wrapped his arms around Jackie’s ass. No rest for the horny, it seemed
[You can find the full fic here. Open at your own risk http://www.fimfiction.net/story/58815/1/The-Dignified-Prostitute/Jackie%27s-Birthday-Present]
Wow that was something
445732
With me, it's always something.
445771
I think you just beat your record with this one but that Angle bunny one was classic
... I'm at a loss for words here. That rarely happens.
I-*thunk*
How did-*crash*
What-*kablooie*
wow. that fic was appleshort quality. well, ALMOST
PS: BROCCOLI
446031
Got another one for tonight. Shit's gonna go down like the browns in the superbowl
445804
I couldn't sleep for two weeks.
CLASSIC, I TELL YOU
447386
What th-*crack*
447492
Appleshort? Not nearly perverted enough, good sir
447496How've you been anyway? It's obvious you've recover from your little meltdown. read any GOOD fics recently?
447496
Maybe-*rumble*
How about-*ratatatatatatat*
If-*chainsaw*
447506
Good fics? Ever since season 2 ended, there have been no good fics. NONE.
447514
HERES-*bonk*
SPACE MAR-*clang*
FOR DA EMPRA-*slice*
447517
For-*BLAM*
Coalition-*katheeeeewm*
Cheesecakes will-*orbital bombardment*
447527
Just posted this riff as a comment on the fic.
Brace yourselves
447528
But-*kathunk*
Only-*krump*
You mean-*divide by zero*