Bad pony · 12:41pm Feb 14th, 2018
Hello, every pony. I'm a bad pony.
I think sometimes (most of the time?) I think I try to be helpful and be the type of person to listen to and encourage others. I suppose that at times I seem a bit too concerned about myself and not fully understand or appreciate another's thoughts or circumstances. I try not to be self centered or frivolous.
I got snaked this morning with the fact that I must be.
One of my coworkers, a person that I thought I knew well and was a friend to, didn't come to work this morning. He hadn't said anything to me previously and I asked if he might be ill. The other people in the shop told me that his father had passed away on Saturday and he would be gone for the funeral.
He never said a word to me yesterday or the day before. Nothing to indicate he was going through some greif or pain.
I know some people are very private and he didn't mention it to anyone else except the supervisor. But I should have noticed. I thought I was a good enough friend that he would have felt he could share with me. I feel that I let him down.
He is a private person and doesn't talk much about some things. And I'm not trying to make this about me or how I feel. I just want to be there as a friend and to help. I guess I wasn't this time.
I hope he is alright.
Sorry, I just feel awful for him.
Breathe
As you said; he is a private person. Just give him space.
If he decides that he needs someone to help him, you'll be there :)
I can't say I would have told anyone either. If he is as reserved as you say, then likely he didn't want people talking to him about it. I, personally, have never had to deal with a parents death yet, but I can't imagine it's easy. I have dealt with my fair share of funerals, and I never want to tell people when a relative is dead. There are just to many false (or at least, they feel false) condolences and tip-toeing. I never told anyone when my dad had cancer, or when he beat it. Don't take it as you not being a good enough friend. Take it as him succeeding in not letting anyone know.
Edit: I also suppose, you could ask yourself this. If you had known, what would you have done? Would it have been helpful to him at this point in time? It's hard, being in the middle of a situation, to see it as objectively as someone on the outside (like, you vs me) but since you're posting this, I am also trying to help you :) I don't mean this to sound mean or harsh, so if it does, let me know.
You're one of the most considerate people on this site, that's pretty obvious from your comments and the pre-readings and stuff you do.
Some people really, really don't want to discuss this sort of thing at work because they are afraid they might break down. On the other hand, if you're going to miss work for a funeral you have to tell someone, and that person might tell others. Unless you are HR, that's probably why you weren't told.
4796389
Thank you.
4796890
Yes, you're quite right. And people do talk a lot here about things that should be private. He is a very private person and I'm sure it was very upsetting for him.
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you!
4796423
You're right, Fallen. I wouldn't have been very helpful and any condolence really would seem a bit empty. I don't know his family and I'm sure he had already come to terms with his feelings. I was the same way when my father passed several years ago. I never told anyone at work about it for several years. I jut felt that anything they would tell me didn't matter and they wouldn't have understood how I felt, anyway.
Thanks, Starr. I guess it just took me a bit by surprise is all. I'll just give him some space. He may appreciate that more than anything else.
4797068
Yeah. Just when you get a good chance, let him know you're there or something, but in a no pressure way. That, I think, would be appreciated. If he takes you up on it, then you guys could probably like, talk it out and stuff.
You are a "bad pony" only for being too hard on yourself.
Depending upon the circumstances of their father's passing and the complexity of arrangements or dreaded arrival of "those relatives," you might just have been low on the list. Sorry.
Although the deaths of both my parents were not unexpected, the result of years of physical and mental decline, I found myself in a foggy unreality for a while, and in my case, I just didn't want to share it with anyone. Only those who needed to know did.
Just be present and ready to listen when they are ready to talk. Keep the faith in yourself.
4797421
Thank you for reminding me that he is likely going through quite a trying time. It can be very difficult to deal with your own and everyone else's emotions at such a time. In addition to 'those' relatives (Ithink we all have them), I'm sure he didn't want to talk about it . I can be there for him if he needs some one, when and if he might.
And you're right. I can be hard on myself. I should remember that I can only be there if they want me to be.
Thanks again, my friend.
You're not a "bad pony" for not happening to have known something that he had not shared with you. It was his responsibility, as well as right, to choose whether to share or not share personal information.
You're falling into the trap of believing that you need to be perfect in order to be decent. Stop that right now. It's not healthy and not helpful, and in the long run it'll only hurt you.
All of us can do only the best we can. You can do only the best you can, no more. And sometimes that falls short of what we we'd like to accomplish. But that's just how it is - we do everything we can, and sometimes it's not everything we'd want it to be.
But most of the time? It's enough.
Maybe you didn't know about his situation because you just didn't manage to find out beforehand. But you still care, and the fact that you're concerned, even afterwards? That means you're a good pony.
4799488
Thank you, Moon. You're right. I kind of missed the point that it was his desision to share or keep private. I guess I've always tried so hard to be perfect and most of the time I just end up frustrated with myself. I just try to always be a good friend. Thank you for reminding me that I am.
4806831
Thanks, Boogie. You're right, it did take me by surprise. But after considering how he might be feeling I think you're right. He just wanted to keep to his routine and move past everything in his own way. He has since returned to work and we are still working together and talk. I haven't brought his fathers passing up but if he ever wants to talk I'll be there for him.
Thank you for thinking so well of me. People tell me I'm a good person but it's hard for me to see it at times.
Hope to see you and the others at BronyCon this year. Because rocks. And muscles, which are hard like rocks. ;)
Thanks again for the support. It means a lot.