There comes a time · 5:40pm Oct 28th, 2017
I feel like a lot of people i know involved in the MLP fandom have, at some point or another, stopped watching the show itself. Doubtless they have reasons, good reasons. I think i've asked a few of them why, and they've told me; and at some point i forgot. And that's a bit of a shame, because i might have to start asking them again, tracing patterns, finding connections.
I suspect - or want to suspect, at any rate - that there are people who did because they don't like the setting of the show. And if people leave at different times, this could be because settings and backstory change. They have a canon established in their heads, a world of their own design, and the officially licensed canon diverges from it (subjectively speaking; when the world is viewed through a lens that nobody else can experience and which cannot be altered by anyone else, though, it becomes easy to see the subjective as the objective, and therefore the "objective" show direction as different from the one they want to believe is true.)
And this can be good for a writer, to step back to a particular pocket of time and work from there. It allows for direction to take an off-beaten path, for inspiration to spin off into entirely new things, and possibly this whole process begets great works. I know there's at least one FimFic writer who's managed to work his wordsmithing into a professional career, and i wouldn't be surprised if many others had it in them in order to do the same.
It's kind of beautiful to see all these visions, all these great stories written and unwritten, stem from one cardinal source. From the tree comes branches, and all that.
I'm aware that this is more poetic than it needs to be. I like to do this thing where i use poetic phrasing and elaboration as tools; rationalization as a device; comparison and compromise as catalysts. I'm not talking about in writing, though; i'm talking about socially.
I'm talking about the tools and tricks that i use to try and mitigate negative emotions in my life. I need those tools. I need them. I need them to function, need them to try and take a more balanced approach to life, need them to be able to handle things that happen when i don't spend days staring up at the ceiling, unwilling to move for fear that the world might change if i did.
And then eventually once all these tools get so thoroughly applied and practiced, it becomes really, really hard to actually disentangle the original sentiment from it all. It's like when you lock someone away in a prison with so many security layers that it becomes impossible to go through all the verification steps needed in order to let him go free again. I'm sure there's a famous writer who wrote a short story somewhere along those lines, or maybe a long story, because it's one of those things that's essentially a not-fully-articulated truth.
Man, I'm not even sure what i'm trying to say, now. Not fully articulated, anyway. What i originally thought the post was going to be about turned into...the thing, with the prison and the tools and all of that. I think I did that subconsciously. I think my writing is more stream-of-consciousness now than it was before, where this whole thing just got turned into a struggle between my emotions and logic.
But...okay. I guess if i want to say things, honestly, i'll sum it up like this.
I understand why people stop following the show canon entirely. I want to do that, too. I hate the finale. I hate it *a lot.*
And I hate myself a lot, too, and i can't tell if the latter is bleeding out into the former, or what's even going on with my emotions and mindstate anymore. The more i think about not liking something, the more it gets twisted up and deformed into the point where i'm not even sure what to hate anymore, just that i should be hating something. Even if i shouldn't be hating anything, which i shouldn't, but acknowledging that just makes me hate myself more, which boils out into everything else, and...yeah.
fuck.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
It's going to be like this. Everyone's going to like something, I'm not going to like that something, Nobody's going to understand it to the point of recognizing it, my logic is going to fall apart, and i'm going to be alone.
my thinking, rationalization, process of trying to determine what's correct and what isn't are going to be flawed. utterly flawed. I'm going to have done the wrong thing, and even correcting it later doesn't mean i won't have fucked up in the first place, doesn't mean that i won't have given everyone the impression that i slipped up, that i made a mistake, that my opinions are prone to failure and that i can't be trusted to act as an objective opinion source.
This is why people are cynical, isn't it? they don't want to feel alone when they don't like something. Because they're afraid that everybody else gets their happy ending, and they leave them behind in the dark. Even a darkness full of many things, acidic as they are, is better than a darkness in solitude. I know i won't empathize with that point of view later, probably not, but i sure as shit get it now.
because not liking the finale is a mistake on my part. i know it's a mistake and i'm still making it, even though i don't want to make that mistake, even though i...god, i don't know where i was going with this.
maybe that i'd rather be correct than unique? is that what i'm trying to get at? doesn't that really mean being homogenous rather than myself?
god, i'm such a fucking coward.
fuck.
Hey man, like what you like and dislike what you dislike. You don’t need to beat yourself up for it.
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I wish it was that easy. I really do.