Feelings and Writing

These past few weeks have been... hard to put into words. My days for the most part recently have consisted of waking up around 9 or 10 in the morning, playing some video game after I get my coffee until noon, and then after I get exhausted from that stop and start to become anxious for a few hours because I'm tired and feel like I'm not doing anything. It's a strange feeling with my body going from zero to one-hundred in terms of okay to anxiety because it seems to happen every single day. Yet still, I can't really put into words why I feel this way.

I haven't written anything in weeks. It's not really a choice I just haven't been motivated. What I HAVE been doing is obsessively playing any given of about five different video games I purchased after my birthday. Some of which include Morrowind, Stardew Valley, Nier Automata, and a few others. I can't really say what randomly plunged me into this obsessive video game haul but I've already put about 20 hours into all of the above games plus a good deal in a few more. For a long time I was struggling to find a game to hold my interest, but these ones did and I'm glad.

But still, writing isn't coming easily. I think I feel a bit lost with what to do with my novel now that a draft is finished and I'm not sure what to do with it. I've been rejected a handful of times from some publishers and while it gets to me it sort of doesn't at the same time. I don't know what I'm doing wrong or how to improve, but at the same time I can't motivate myself to look at the story anymore and edit or read or things like that. Two people have beta read it and while their opinion helps I still feel at a bit of a loss for how to move forward. The idea of self publishing as I've mentioned in the past doesn't appeal to me primarily because I feel as though nobody will see or want to buy it. I simply don't have the funds for marketing this kind of thing and I don't like the idea of saying I think something is ready for the world. I want somebody professional to tell me they think that. I want to be able to hold a copy of my book in my own hands and see words I've written printed on a page in a bookstore. That's a big dream of mine.

But with lack of writing I just feel tired all the time. Lately I've been sleeping horribly. Waking up exhausted and dizzy and sickly in a way. This morning I work up at 6 AM and couldn't get back to sleep despite how exhausted I feel. I don't feel sad most of the days per say just sort of... dulled. Because it's so hard to feel a drive for anything I eventually feel sad, and it's sort of hard to explain to others why I feel that way. It probably doesn't help I haven't seen my therapist in a month due to problems I can't really avoid, but I am seeing him in a few days.

I turned twenty a few weeks ago and it feels strange. I remember on my actual birthday I wasn't sad for the entire day and it was so alien and odd. Since then I feel as though I'm pretty lowered. Lately I've been trying to explain to my friends why the idea of a job scares me and I think I'm asking the wrong people. What scared me about my last job was I felt like a cog in a machine and like my personal identity was gone. Also I was pretty bad with my anxiety back then, so that didn't help. But they sort of just said "That's how jobs are" and it's that kind of talk that makes me hesitant to get one. They also don't seem to understand what I'm doing right now with agents is literally the same as sending out job applications. I send out a few and wait weeks for a reply which lately is to get rejected.

I always end up talking about things in a really depressing light in these blogs even when I don't feel sad at the moment. In my worst times it's actually hard to write blogs, and usually when I'm not really happy but not really sad is when I write these things. It's easy to vent and reflect and sort of get my thoughts out there to people like my boyfriend and friends who read these all at once like this. It's easier than explaining one on one because I don't have their specific reaction in mind when I talk. Even if they end up saying nothing majorly helpful, which I don't expect, I just like knowing that they read how I feel.

I'm thinking of trying to blog more often about things that don't just get me down. This is basically my public journal at this point. I have this strange need for validation so I can't just keep writing things like this to myself. I like to get things out there and hear feedback and support, which I worry is wrong in some way because I'm just a writer who most of you just read gay shipping for. I can already see comments saying I'm not just that or whatever but it's how my mind sometimes works. Connecting things in dumb ways.

I think I'll try to post a new blog soonish that hopefully won't be so focused on negative thoughts. Maybe it'll help to openly talk about things that make me happy.