A Review of Chapter Five from Equestria Daily SPECIAL REDUX HIGH DEFINITION EDITION 2000 IN 3-D!!!!! · 2:13am Feb 3rd, 2012
I can't remember if I tagged PGS in the last blog entry and it doesn't say if I did or not and I can't delete it and make a new one so OH WELL HERE WE GO AGAIN.
*ahem*
As for the battle with the Timberwolves, I have to say I did not like it at all for the most part.
If you wanted to kill off the pack I would rather have seen Case take more of them out prior to the party's intervention.
If Fluttershy was using even part of the Stare it should only have failed due to the number of wolves (possibly circling around and out of the field of vision), not their wills.
The ponies would fight hard but I don't see any of them going straight for a kill like that.
Dash's hits and dive bomb should have been more like Trenton's hits on Snake. Extremely powerful and debilitating but only to the point of knocking the wolf out or driving it off, not killing it outright.
AJ should not have had any problems fully hogtying that Timberwolf especially considering she can use not just her mouth but her tail.
Rarity's telekinesis can not move a boulder. That's why she carried Tom around on her back, remember?
Pinkie talking the wolf to death was funny but really silly. If you want to MGSify Pinkie's combat abilities think a cross between the outlandish presentation of Fatman with the physics and logic defying antics of Vamp.
Twilight's telekinetic blast was awesome and appropriate.
The encounter with the 2nd wolf had problems. First you should remove Twi's insinuation that she was worried the wolf would rape her. It's in poor taste and makes no logical sense for twilight to think that, nor for the wolf to be likely to do that since they are not animals but carnivorous plants essentially. Second, even if her teleport spell was interrupted her telekinesis should have been able to deal with the wolf. Third, the wolf should have run screaming into the forest after it's head was set on fire by Spike. Fourth, even enraged Twilight, who had never killed anything before, would not slam the wolf to pieces; at worst she'd fling it like the last one.
The wolf Snake took out would have been better if he had broken it's leg and knocked it out. Then had to euthanize it later with Case's gun. That would draw a greater parallel with his dog he had to put down.
Finally, Fluttershy's speech to the Alpha at the end was HORRIBLY OOC. Her callous patronizing tone was incredibly cruel. She should have snapped from all the carnage and fighting around her and completely gone off on the Alpha with tears of loss for the dead wolves and tears of anger at the Alpha for it's unnecessary violence and reckless leadership.
tl;dr: Only Case and Snake should have liked the wolves and the rest would have been incapacitated or driven off until Fluttershy finally cowed the Alpha.
Of all the reviews I could possibly get...
This is THE.
BEST.
POSSIBLE.
REVIEW.
Because it's right! It's absolutely right! My God, it's so obvious that I feel I must be truly blind to have not seen how many things were wrong with that fight scene! Like, holy shit! You might think I'm being sarcastic, but I'm not! I am being as positive and sincere as I possibly can! I absolutely live for this kind of criticism!
Not that I don't appreciate the kind words from the people who reviewed and liked the fight scene, but damn! So much of what this fella said about the chapter was BAM, right on target! Dead-on! And now that I've read it, I can't UN-read it!
Rest assured, I will be re-writing much of this chapter with this critique in mind. I want to write the best possible story, and reviews like this are the only way to do that. If anybody wants to check back in later on, chapter five is going to be very different from the way it is now.
If only I'd sought this kind of opinion before I posted the chapter, but I was so desperate to update and to avoid waiting eight hundred and sixty-two days between updates like last time that I ignored my better judgment and posted a flawed product. I will rectify my mistake.
