Sorry I have been away.

Sorry I haven't been around.
To put it simply, I lost my mind.
Literally.
I started having panic attacks shortly after my last blog post. At first they were only at night, but then I began having them in the daytime as well. I went to my doctor about them, and he put me on fluoxetine. NEVER let them put you on fluoxetine. EVER!
For the next six days I was completely out of my mind. I couldn't think, I couldn't eat, it was a nonstop nightmare. I wanted to die by day three, by day six it took me 30 minutes to eat half an apple. That was all I could eat all day. Finally they took me off of it, and switched me to lexipro. A day later I was able to think, and hold down a conversation. Two days after and I was able to drive my car to work, just in time to keep from being fired. A week later I had my first 'good' day. Today was the start of my second week back at work, and aside from waking up several times each night, I feel pretty good. I'm not sure when I will be able to write again, but I'm sure it will come back to me soon.
I could never begin to describe the horror of what I've been through. Being awake and feeling the medicine spread inside your mind, like black ink, changing how you feel, FEELING it change you. I didn't want to do any of the things I used to like. No videos, no video games. I despised the thought of eating, literally had to force myself. Lost weight like you wouldn't want to know. I mean how long can you live on applesauce, beef jerky and water? And then after they switched me off of it, and I was slowly able to think again, every day I was terrified that I would slip back into that horror. Part of me still is. But the longer I go without doing so, the more it starts to fade.
I'm trying to rebuild, but it's slow. I hope and pray that my new foundation is strong, and won't crack.
I couldn't endure that again.
I wrote exactly one thing during all that time. It was the night of day 5. I'm sharing it so that you will have an idea of what hopelessness feels like, and I pray that none of you EVER have to feel it.

Curled up in tiny ball,
I don't want to move at all,

Punished for my unknown sins,
I just want this all to end,

Days and days of fear and pain,
When will I be me again?

I try to speak but no one hears,
Anguished pleas fall on deaf ears,

Make this stop I beg and plead,
To anyone that will take heed,

But all I'm told is just endure,
We'll treat you but there is no cure,

I'll never be myself again,
They killed me with their fluoxetine,

So now I sit, in fear I shake,
Wishing I was not awake,

My stomach hurts, I cannot eat,
Food is horrid, no more a treat,

I sit and shake, in fear I cry,
Wishing for a way to die,

But in this world there's only pain,
Meant to make me more insane,

I had a life, not much, but mine,
But I didn't see the hidden cost,
Like a thief it crept upon me,
And in the end my mind was lost.

Now I sit and shake in fear,
Every now and then I cry,
Each dawn I wake upon fresh tears,
Hoping that today I die.

Comments

[alkarian]

This is fkin horrible. Get better

[ShadowLDrago]

Jesus Christ, I hope you're better now, and I'm sorry I wasn't around to be able to help.