...stars...

What is your earliest memory?

The most distant thing I can remember, even before seeing my parents, were stars. A vast field of white dots set against a background of inky blackness, slowly getting closer towards me in the accompaniment of a deep humming noise. For a long time I believed that it was a sign of something special, that there was some small spark of something greater in us than our every-day, mortal shells. It gave me hope, it gave me a reason to try live a good life; that even if all things went to hell then there will be something--infinitely more complex than "simple" genetics--that will continue to last when we are no longer here. For all eternity and beyond.

As I grew up, though, that conviction became more and more strained, ever so slowly stretching out under the stress of everyday life until it finally snapped, flinging me into a deep depression. The logical person in me deduced that it was far more likely that I had simply watched a movie on our old 14 inch ancient of a TV. That my nascent consciousness and self-awareness latched onto another interesting thing that had finally initiated a cascade of first conscious thought in my life. Most likely it had been Star Wars, Alien, The Thing, or some other cosmic horror that was filmed before early 90s. Yeah, my parents were weird back then...

Though, interestingly, I had been more afraid that a giant shark (the one from "Jaws") with a maw full of sharp teeth would jump out from around a dark corner and gobble me up, than I had been frightened by a vaguely phallic-shaped, and admittedly more scary-looking xenomorph.

That said, I've moved on eventually, and found different things to strive for. Different things that gave my life meaning, that allowed me to help myself to small slices of happiness every day and live my life without wallowing in self-pity. One of them, though, not a prime one, but still a significant one, has been my stay here on fimfiction.

Reading MLP fanfiction here and watching the show gave me solace from my dreary, everyday life. This site is a place where for a moment I can immerse myself in the colorful world of adorable ponies, that are at the same time such complex and enjoyable characters to watch and read stories about.

I guess the first part of the above tirade comes down to leaving your own a mark in the world, however small it may be. Having discarded my old goals, I have chosen new ones in their stead, and have taken small baby steps towards their completion.

Though I am not particularly skilled in the art of transferring my thoughts onto the metaphorical paper, I still enjoy it. I enjoy writing stories; especially stories about ponies.

You can see yourself how well this has turned out for me... Despite having well over 20 stories that I want to finish, post, and receive feedback on, some mental block prevents me from really sitting down and writing one to its conclusion, instead of leaving it an mismatched amalgamation of storytelling parts. A Frankenstein's monster, if you will, just without all the necessary organs to move about... and missing a few limbs here and there.

I enjoy my time here, and will enjoy it for however long I will be able to, otherwise I wouldn't be writing all those words.

---

I guess life has an ironic way of ambushing us and forcing us to re-evaluate ourselves when we least expect it. And it is not gentle.

Just a few weeks ago I had realized a particularly disturbing revelation--for a given value of disturbing, at least. This will most likely seem ridiculous to you, but it had truly shaken me. The members of my family noticed my gloomy demeanor, but I was too embarrassed to tell them the truth. You can laugh or roll your eyes condescendingly or in amusement at my sheer ridiculousness in a few moments, I won't get offended.

You see, as with the "stars" thing, for a better part of my life I had a certain belief of the world around me. How it works, how it will work in the far, distant future, more importantly (at least to my erstwhile outlook on the world and life in general). I was certain that in the event of an eventual nuclear holocaust (or other big bad apocalypse scenario) and human extinction on planet Earth, the life will have a lot of time to stand up again and show that we Earthlings are a force to be reckoned with in the Milky Way galaxy. That it will take a few billion years for the Sun to inevitably gobble us up and return the Earth to its fiery mother's womb.

Imagine my sheer distress upon having learned, by a complete accident may I add, that not 600 hundred million years from now the Earth's oceans and water in general will have evaporated due to the Sun's (*shakes his fist at Celestia*) slow but steady increase in luminosity; thus making most, if not all, forms of complex organic life impossible to support...

I think I can hear someone cackle and slap their knee from across the Atlantic Ocean here in Poland... I deserved that, in hindsight

This questionably amusing piece leads me to another, much less light-hearted thing--for me personally, at least. At the present moment I am faced with more immediate concerns regarding my own health, which pale in comparison to what has been previously been ailing me in my not even 3 decades-long life. I won't go into details and craft some touching sob story, but, suffice it to say, things aren't looking to be filled with sunshine and rainbows in my future. Though I still hold out hope.

Writing this has been a spur of the moment thing for me, a liberation of sorts (and I am sorry for the inevitable grammar errors as English is not my native language). Maybe I'm panicking over nothing, and in a few weeks I will be laughing at my overreaction--but I still wanted to write those thoughts, just in case. The worst thing that can happen is that I will make a fool of myself. But I can live with that.

Ignoring all this gloomy, heh, and ridiculous tripe: to whoever might have stumbled upon this blog, I want to wish you a happy, fulfilling life full of love, understanding, and meaning.

To all those who made it possible to let this fandom flourish and come into existence in the first place: thank you for your passion, thank you for your stories, for your art, for your music; thank you for your valuable time spent to bring smiles to millions of people across the Earth!

And finally: thank you for reading my little, insignificant footprint in the grand story that is life