The Choices I've Made.

I live a good life. Really, I do. I have hobbies, go to a good, high-tech school, I'm surrounded by a loving family—I'm one step away from living the dream. But despite all my luxuries and all my comforts, I've still made the choice to get all fucked up.

I have no reason to be sad, but I'm sad anyway. Any serious problem I've ever had in my life is self-inflicted. Self-doubt. Sadness. Fear of death. Anger. It's all brought on me by myself. I could've made the smart decision and avoided it, but I didn't. Now, in the midst of all this happiness, I see myself as nothing but a whiny little fuck. Every single day, I find one reason or another to start beating myself up and tell myself about these imginary problems. People tell me I shouldn't be so harsh on myself. They say I'm good at what I do, that my music is good and my drawings are great. They're wrong. It's garbage. All garbage. So that's something I choose to have a problem with, and have never stopped. I just want to find a reason to be sad so I can be called "sad" and not "pathetic."

Why can't something just be wrong for once?

And here I go again. Reaching out for help, but when someone offers their hand, I refuse to take it. I know I can't be helped, but I try to find it anyway. It's all a vicious cycle that I can only pray will break on its own. I need to help myself, especially since all my "issues" are self-wrought and honestly just flat-out fake, but I just can't do it. It's hopeless.

At the end of the day—I have no issues. But something about me definitely needs fixing.

Comments

[Fracturedheart]

Wow. Just wow. Its just sad some one as young as you feels like I do. Bad thing it gets worse as you get older.

[Final fantasy forever]

...I'm sorry to hear you feel so conflicted...I just want you to know I'll always be here if you feel you need someone

[Brony kaiju soldier]

I'm sorry to hear about that, dude.

[Seraphimus]

A couple things From me to you, they won't fix you or make you better, but I myself found that they helped. Because I recognize the exact feeling you are describing, and it's not some imaginary self loathing, it's depression. Everything is this post is a picture perfect depiction of what it is to suffer from Genuine depression.

The real deal, A medical condition. And It can happen to anyone, even those in the BEST of circumstances. Because it's not a problem with your life, or your capabilities, or your personality, it's something wrong with you on a physical level, A chemical imbalance in your brain that causes you to think and feel this way. You can get better, and fighting it is good, but don't beat yourself up over the way it makes you feel because IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT that you feel that way. And beating yourself up will only make it worse

Things I never knew about depression until I finally had a doctor explain the disease to me
Depression can manifest as irrational anger.
My complete and total inability to keep anything clean or tidy for any amount of time is a symptom of my depression. I may never be able to do this. It’s important that I remember that and forgive myself when I clean something out (like my car) and it ends up trashed within a week.
Depression IS A DISABILITY. Requiring accommodations is okay.
Medications don’t make you better, they don’t cure your depression. They serve as an aid. Their purpose is to help you get to everyone else’s minimal level of functioning.
Depression can cycle through periods of inactivity. This doesn’t mean it’s gone away.
The reason I don’t feel like other people understand me is because … well … other people DON’T understand me. They can’t. They don’t have my disability.

66.media.tumblr.com/bbe1de0e1be4e4060f3372885c4a6dd8/tumblr_o8uttzeVfN1se17mko1_1280.jpg
Paranoia is par for the course.
Depression can and will interfere with your physical mobility. Forgive yourself when you can’t physically do something.
It’s entirely possible that I may never be able to live by myself. I can’t take care of myself. I need help to do it. And that’s okay.