Story Review: A Rabbit Hearted Mare: The First Chapter

Okay, so today I'll be embarking on what is only my third story review. (The first was for Past Sins which you can find in a earlier blog post and the second was for my exam entry for Rage Reviews. Both are pretty much crappy reviewing, so hopefully this one will be better.) (Crosses my fingers.) Anyways, as if I did a review of even the story's first half you'd be reading this blog post for quite a while I'll just do the first chapter.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/274928/1/a-rabbit-hearted-mare/chapter-one-just-the-one

First off, I suppose one should start with the description of the story itself as it's the first thing you see when you go to it's page.

Roseluck takes the disasters that occur in Ponyville like her friends, Daisy and Lily: with loud, unnecessary dramatics, and there's fainting every so often. As long as they're all together, she's content with her life.

Then they go missing, and loneliness is quick to follow. How could she possibly know where they are, and if they're alright?

The answer isn't in the Elements of Harmony, but rather a sweet mare and her mysterious friend. And despite her awkward and panicked demeanor, Roseluck will go to great lengths to save those who mean the world to her.

A Doctor Who crossover. Needed knowledge on the show is minimal besides the basics and some details for a decent read.

It's a good start, and it does get you a little hooked just from the opening alone, which is always a good thing. You get a base part of the main character's personality, and a little bit of what she's about to face without giving away too much which is something that can also draw you in and make you want to find out more. So for this I say... Well, not me, but this guy can tell you what I think so far.

Now, on to Chapter One:

Herds of ponies and other creatures from sea serpents to, to the surprise of many, changelings, left the main building in town in thick groups. Friends all gathered to celebrate after the wedding, while others left once they realized the sun was setting.

“That was the best wedding I’ve ever seen!” Lily Valley said in delight to the two beside her as they all walked home.

“You haven’t been to many weddings, have you?” Daisy asked, flashing her a crooked grin.

Lily feigned anger, cheeks puffing out, but her laughter broke it. “Well, true, but c’mon, you gotta admit that it was… interesting.”

“Sure, and one of our flowers actually snapped at the stem during the whole fiasco, so—”

“Oh, don’t remind me, Daisy!” she gasped, stopping their walk altogether. Her hoof held onto the side of her head. “That was just awful, and I don’t need a reminder of that, thank you. Seriously, the day wasn’t that bad! What do you think, Rosie? … Roseluck?”

Roseluck made no response, not even a gesture to show that she had been paying any attention to the conversation. Her posture and eyes were directed elsewhere, staring off at a pair of ponies wandering off in another direction.

Okay, so we start right at the ending of "Slice of Life", which I like as it gives us a telling of where the story fits in the MLP timeline. From the get-go, you already see Daisy and Lily, and their interactions with each other giving us a good set up for their characters. However, most importantly perhaps, we meet Roseluck. However, as she is distracted by a pair of mysterious ponies (No surprises who they'll turn out to be) we don't really get much on her personality. This, one hopes, could change as we get further on.

“What?” Roseluck pouted her lips at the glinting eyes now directed at her.

“That Doctor Whooves stallion, duh,” Lily answered, leaning in with an innocent look. When Roseluck simply shot her a glare, she stuck out her tongue. “C’mon, you two were sitting with each other and everything.”

Roseluck pushed Lily away from her face, face burning much to her irritation. “That doesn’t mean anything! Besides, I’ve only actually talked to him once. We didn’t even speak to each other at the wedding.”

“Wait, isn’t he also the one who helped us with the Runaway Flora incident?”

Lily gasped. “You’re right! He and Rosie went into the Everfree Forest to stop those weirdo animals from taking all of our flowers when the breezies came here.” She flashed a cheeky grin at Rose. “Anything happen?”

Daisy rested a hoof on Roseluck’s shoulder. “Yeah, you never told us. Details, give them all to us!”

Roseluck stepped back, practically sputtering incoherent words before she could even begin to speak properly. “N-n-no, obviously, because we haven’t talked since then! But he was… nice. Pretty smart, too. He talked on and on through most of the trip, so it didn’t feel as long as it was.” Roseluck thought back and laughed a little. “He went on about these plants he’s come across and his travels and all these weird creatures he’s met. Apparently, he’s seen a rare chrysanthemum that was exactly half pink, half yellow. I’ve never seen anything like that! I can only imagine.”

Okay, this bit I like as it gives us more interactions between the trio, and shows how they might interact with their third member, Roseluck on a daily basis. It also gives us a bit of backstory, as Roseluck's met the Doctor once before, in a incident that really doesn't go into much detail besides a trip into the Everfree forest and what Roseluck's very fleeting first impression of the Doctor was like. Me personally, I'd like to see this elaborated on more, perhaps in a spin off story.

Interestingly, and this may just be the shipper part of me speaking we see a moment where Roseluck blushes at the mention of the Doctor by Lily. Early form of a crush perhaps?

They both fell silent, however, and Rose saw a raindrop land on her friend’s muzzle. Then she felt it, heard it. Plop, plop! By the next few steps, rain began to pour onto the town in a relentless parade.

As ponies ran to take cover under awnings or inside their warm homes, the Flower Trio all gradually gazed at one another with horror on their faces.

“I forgot it was supposed to rain today!” Lily cried out. “The wedding distracted us!”

“This is awful!” Daisy followed, eyes wide. She started to fan herself. “What if my buds are overwatered? Did we already water them before the wedding? I thought we keep track of these things! Always!”

They shrieked, all in one.

“Oh, no!”

“The poor things!”

“The horror!”

And they crumpled to the ground with a hint of flourish. A pony passing by simply rolled their eyes and trotted around the trio of faux passed out mares.

And there we go, the first time (Might be the only time, I don't remember) this famous trait of the trio happens in-story. At first, it's pretty funny, until you read this line.

Roseluck stayed there and counted how long they just sat there, ignoring the weird stares as she looked up at the cloudy sky, only to shut her eyes when raindrops hit them. This was how it was, the daily routine of the Flower Trio. Crazy dramatics, weird stares, the whole shebang.

Now, it's actually pretty sad as in my mind it seems like Roseluck already wants to be something more then just a mare who faints at the slightest or silliest things.

As if she could blame themselves, though. How could they possibly live with over-watering their plants?

Okay, right back to funny again. Good work on that Missy, as Doctor Who episodes can often switch between moods faster then you can... blink. Sorry, couldn't resist. (If you're a Doctor Who fan, and I assume you are if you're reading this story you might get that little in-joke I just made.)

That morning, Roseluck went right to Daisy’s house as soon as she woke up. The bright, warm day inspired her to start off the day with a smile and a kick in her step.

Well, after she made her bed, brushed her hair and teeth, watered her tulips on the window sill, organized her pantry, cleaned her bookshelf, and brushed her hair again.

But otherwise, she was quick to see the two in the morning and knocked on Daisy’s house with a bounce in her step. She even tapped her hooves as she waited.

And waited.

Nothing.

Roseluck groaned. “Are you up yet, Daisy? We should hurry or else our plants will get lonely! And you don’t want that, do ya?”

She waited a few seconds; counted with a tap of her hoof. Tap tap tap tap…

Another knock, just one more, before she finally let out a loud noise of anger. “If she’s already at Lily’s—”

“They’re gone.”

Roseluck froze midstep and turned about to see Carrot Top standing right behind her. The mare wore a solemn look on her face, like she had let out a burst of tears not too long ago. Whatever the reason, surely it wasn’t having to do with what she just said…

So, I'll skip ahead a bit to the important plot development that starts to kick of the "Whole shebang" as Roseluck might be putting it. At first, as you can see everything seems normal right up until Carrot Top drops the metaphorical bomb. Now, in this next paragraph we see Rose's reaction.

“Yeah. Where are—where they did they go? Have you seen them?”

“I dunno…” The orange mare bit her lip, her eyes glossing over. “I didn’t even know that you were okay, so I don’t know how to say this! Bu-but Roseluck, they’re missing.”

There was a pause. A long pause where Roseluck just stared at Carrot, her smile gradually melting away. “Sorry, what?” she muttered, her ears falling flat.

“Lily and Daisy… they’re missing.” Carrot sniffed and tilted her head to the side. “They a-and three other ponies just vanished last night. Just gone! And we’ve looked all over town and checked Sweet Apple Acres. Even Twilight and her friends tried to find clues, but nothing! I’m so sorry, Roseluck, but… Rose? Are-are you gonna be okay?”

Roseluck last heard something about Twilight, and then her mind wandered off. She didn’t care for the details, not now. Her gaze fell to the houses next to hers, and without another word, she pushed Daisy’s front door open.

Carrot Top shouted, “Roseluck!”, but her call was met with nothing but a swinging door.

Feeling sweat pooling on her forehead, Roseluck looked into the living room. Everything was kept in check, with all the lights out. Out of all of them, Daisy was the one with the cleanest house, and it showed. Her books were placed in order by author and title, like an actual library, only most of the books were on flora and fauna. In the kitchen, the dishes were laid out neatly on the counter, organized by color and size.

Perfectly fine. Like nothing bad happened. Carrot Top must have misunderstood, she thought, gulping down the lump in her throat.

She raced upstairs, and the clip-clop of her hooves echoed across the staircase.

More hoofsteps followed shortly, with someone shouting, “Rose! Please, what’re you doing?”

Roseluck slammed another door open, and she found Daisy’s bed. The covers were tossed off the bed, wrinkled and forgotten on the floor. Her hooves began shaking, but why were they shaking? Everything was fine. The whole room looked normal except for the covers.

Even though Daisy always does her bed in the morning. Always.

Maybe she was in a hurry!

To what?! Get kidnapped!

No! There has to be something else, like she’s at Lily’s or… She struggled to think of one thing, simply one thing that could ease her. But the panic rushed in waves over and over. It didn’t stop.

She’s gone, then! And Lily probably is, too! Gone, gone, gone, both of them! But it can’t be…

Roseluck automatically goes into a panicking mode, well maybe not at once as at first it's just concern for her friends, who we learn from Carrot are not the only ones to have gone missing.

Rose searches the house, using knowledge of her friend's daily habits (Which I like learning about as it gives us more insight to their character even if they are not there. Again, good work on this Missy.) to try and figure out where they've gone off to. But it's to no avail, as soon as she figures out they really are truly missing, panic sets in and this time not played for laughs. It's actually quite a tearjerker and made me feel for poor Rosie and want to see her reunited with her friends.

“They can’t be gone. Who would just… who would take them?” Roseluck gasped through fat tears.

Carrot Top wrapped her hooves around her, but why did Roseluck not feel any better? It should’ve been comforting, should’ve done something. “It’ll be okay, Roseluck. Whatever happened to them, we’ll find them. They’ll be okay,” Carrot Top said to her, patting her back.

But no, the pain in her chest only grew, and Carrot Top’s hug and words of reassurance did little to stop it. With nothing else to hold onto, though, she returned the mare’s embrace.

Roseluck’s silent crying became loud and shaky, as did her whole body in Carrot’s arms. And she refused to let go as she buried her face in the orange mare’s neck, crying in Daisy’s empty house.

Again, ouch. More tearjerker moments, as Rose practically breaks down. We really get good insight into her feelings and emotions here, which is always a good thing to see in any story. I like the description of things, and word use as in this sentence:

Roseluck gasped through fat tears.

Okay, so to wrap things up on this first chapter, I'd say it's a good start and despite us not seeing the Doctor and his mysterious companion in only a minor cameo or just hearing about him, it leaves me intrigued for more. I think there's only one way to end this review, and that's THIS way:

Starring Roseluck, Derpy and Doctor Whooves in: A Rabbit Hearted Mare