Review: Purple Rain (1984)

Oh my god.

Like, I'll be honest, I came into Purple Rain knowing full well that it was likely to be yet another of those notoriously overblown, self indulgent vanity projects that a musical artist puts out at the height of their fame to milk every last drop out of their star power, and inflate their own egos to make themselves feel good. Vanilla Ice had Cool as Ice, Michael Jackson had Moonwalker, Neil Diamond had The Jazz Singer, and Madonna has had a whole bevy of films to her name. And so, I expected very much the same thing from the legendarily flamboyant, egotistic and musically brilliant Prince.

And yet, nothing prepared me for what I actually watched.

Now, don't get me wrong for a second. This is a transparent vanity project. Taking Prince's own life up to that point and dramatizing it, Purple Rain follows The Kid, who is literally just Prince, and his rise to stardom despite adversity, and his romance with the fair maiden Apollonia, played by Apollonia Kotero, who, like Prince, is playing a vaguely fictionalized version of herself. And so, obviously, Prince's The Kid is a designated protagonist who can do no wrong despite being an insufferably hero and spiteful dick to his band (Prince's actual backing band at the time, The Revolution, who also all play themselves), and generally being a selfish douche with little to no likability (or acting skills), who, somehow, comes out on top with the hot girl by his side at the end.

But still, even with the transparently ego trip, the film ends up being a So Bad, It's Good masterpiece, with literally every frame dripping with a gut busting mix of attempted drama and sincerity, when it's painfully obvious that nobody here can really act, and a story that can barely be summarized due to the sheer cliche storm.

Prince, while he was a musician of incredible talent, is completely unable to bring his natural musical charisma to his role. Instead, he spends the entire film either moping like a sad child, acting like a complete jerk to everybody, or generally being unable to register any actual, genuine emotion. The closest we get to him actually feeling real and alive is at the end of the film, which is basically concert footage of him and The Revolution performing. It doesn't help that he plays everything with the utmost seriousness, no matter how absurd the situation or the story is. More often then not, I'm just laughing at him, unable to take a single moment seriously in the slightest. It doesn't help that he's done up in the most over the top of 80s get ups, with ruffled collars and cuffs, and a glittering purple suit and skin tight clothes, with enough mascara to make Pete Wentz cringe.

The rest of the cast isn't any better, since they're all obviously musicians, and decidedly NOT actors. All the performances feel fake and stilted, but since everybody is taking themselves so damn seriously, it becomes utterly hilarious on every level. The one person here who seems aware that he's in a complete cheese fest is Morris Day, who, along with his omnipresent buddy Jerome Benton, provide genuine laughs and humor as their comically over the top "Pimp" stereotypes that feel like they stepped right out of Black Dynamite. They know damn well they're just in Prince's vanity project, and so they play their roles with hilarious self awareness and cheese, and revel in their over the top villainy.

However, not everything in this movie is So Bad, It's Good. The direction by Albert Magnoli, while not exactly ground breaking, has well composed and framed shots, and feels like an actual movie. Additionally, the cinematography by Donald E. Thorin is a beautiful neon wash of colors (purple obviously is a major player) is legitimately great to look at, and really helps make the bad acting and story a little bit easier to bare, since at least the pictures are pretty.

And, of course, it must be said that musically, the soundtrack is completely untouchable. Netting Prince an Oscar for Best Original Score, the soundtrack is a masterpiece, and the culmination of everything Prince was doing. From edgy, robotic funk ("Computer Blue", "When Doves Cry"), crisp, swirling ballads ("Take Me with U", "The Beautiful Ones"), raw, sex drizzled metal ("Darling Nikki"), explosive rock ("Let's Go Crazy", "I Would Die 4 U"), to the anthem "Purple Rain", the music is wall to wall awesome, and combines a wide array of genres and styles into a singular, amazing whole, and is simply put, the best part of the movie.

But yeah, Purple Rain is a train wreck of the best kind - It's an unintentionally hilarious, comically dated time capsule that only could have been created in 1984, and could only have been the product of the uniquely bizarre and eclectic mind of the man that was Prince.

Seriously, just go and listen to the album, and skip the movie. Unless you want to have the time of your life brutally mocking and riffing the film, MST3K style, then by all means, go watch it right now. You won't be disappointed.

1 star, but boy golly gee is it a priceless one.