[Metacritic Monday] X-COM 2 (ft. DarkThunder144) · 12:48am May 11th, 2016
Okay.
Hello everyone! My name is SuperKamek and welcome back to another episode of "Metacritic Monday", where I bitch and complain about people who bitch and complain. Apparently I can't keep a fucking promise and thus I missed last week's Metacritic Monday. To be fair, I was busy watching Captain America: Civil War with my family, so... yeah. On with the show then!
Please, please, PLEASE take note that I will not be ripping apart reviews that are actually legit. If someone dislikes a game for a reason, I'm all okay with that. What I'm NOT okay with is false information, like those stupid "0/10" reviews you find sometimes. Also take note that this is for entertainment and comedy purposes only, so I will be exaggerating a few points I make. So, without further ado, let's delve into Metacritic Monday!
If Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. has taught me anything, it's that aliens really suck. Like, really, REALLY suck. Many things within pop culture have aliens in it, but I think X-COM 2 and the entire X-COM series for that matter really nails it! Of course, I haven't actually PLAYED the games. Like... ever. But hey, might as well give them a shot and see if I can make this review any less- Yeah, I'll just shut up now.
So get your guns and prepare yourselves for the biggest alien invasion of your life. Note that when Dark is speaking, the text will be in red, while my own text will be in purple. Why purple? Because purple's awesome, that's why. Now shut up and let us do our thing or whatever!
What's our review today, Johnny?
After years of using metacritic I finally joined JUST to pan this PoS game. I can't take it...85% (and that is -not- an exaggeration) are timed missions (missions that have parts are all that must be completed in a certain number of turns). To add insult to this injury the loot despawns after three turns...not three turns AFTER it drops but three turns including the turn it drops. Seriously.
I have no idea what the devs were thinking and why they feel that forcing people to rush recklessly across the map is 'fun'. It is NOT fun to play well only to be forced to run double moves and BAM...right in to a pod.
Seriously, is this a joke? Are you all just swimming around naked in a pile of our money laughing at us? Clearly your plan to release preview copies to critics that only allowed them to play for a month worked! Look at that metascore! Well, enjoy the free fall of the user score.
...oh boy.
After years of using metacritic
Oh, that I have no doubt about.
I finally joined JUST to pan this PoS game.
I can't take it...85% (and that is -not- an exaggeration)
Really? Because I can take the whole thing. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )
are timed missions
Seriously? Basically one third of all missions in video games are timed. Not only that, but you never really said why it's a bad thing. We need details, not bullshit.
(missions that have parts are all that must be completed in a certain number of turns).
To add insult to this injury
With said injury being nonexistent and not explained, but please continue...
the loot despawns after three turns...
Then move fast! What's the point of a challenge if there is no challenge, dumbass!
not three turns AFTER it drops
You can't exactly leave loot out for very long, so get it fast! There's not much to say on that.
but three turns including the turn it drops. Seriously.
Oh no! Definitely something to warrant a FUCKING ZERO.
I have no idea what the devs were thinking
Funny; I was thinking the same thing about you.
and why they feel that forcing people to rush recklessly across the map is 'fun'.
I think you might have mixed "Strategy" with "Whatever the fuck CoD has become".
You see, those loot things you were complaining about? They're optional. You don't need them to complete the game. Thus, they don't "force" you to go and collect them. This may come as a shock to you, but maybe you should STUDY your material before reviewing!
Idiot...
It is NOT fun
to play well only to be forced to run double moves and BAM...right in to a pod.
Wait, if you hate this game, why do you know so much about it?
Seriously, is this a joke?
It's about as much a joke as your review is!
Are you all just swimming around naked in a pile of our money laughing at us?
Clearly your plan to release preview copies to critics
You know, there are people that would go more into depth with their reviews than you. Unless we're talking about IGN, but that's another story completely.
that only allowed them to play for a month worked!
Yes it did! Are you proud of me?
...
Look at that metascore!
Well, enjoy the free fall of the user score.
My favorite part of any review is the end; it basically sums up what you said and what you should do. And this... this ending was a masterpiece of another breed. This breed I'm referring to is the "Wow that review had no facts backing it up" kind. By far the worst type review there is, really. Look, if you're going to write a review, have correct facts and reason to back it up.
Is it that to much to ask?
And that concludes today's Metacritic Monday! Did you enjoy the show? If so, leave a comment down below! Also, what are your thoughts on X-COM 2? Like it? Hate it? Really you choice, I won't blame you if you hate it. The game IS riddled with flaws and problems, but any true fan would find pure enjoyment in this game.
Unless you're this guy.
Then you can go fuck yourself.
Special thanks to my friend DarkThunder144, who not only should you go and follow, but who I think should combine his username's words together because the way he spells his name on his page REALLLY fucking bugs me!
Hm, I don't think I've ever heard of this game before.
You mad bro?
But I'll see what I can do.
Nice review you two. If you need someone else as a guest reviewer I wouldn't mind. If its anything Ace Attorney, Sonic, Megaman, or Spectrobes I can help.
Depth?
3936360
You know Fire Emblem? Yeah, it's like that, only with guns and aliens.
3936414
Thanks again, man.
3936462 I can't spell and auto correct is annoying.
3936447
Bruh.
Spectrobes.
...
...maybe.
3936462
I tried fixing a few of DT's grammar, but I suppose a few things slip through every now and then.
I'll fix it. Thanks for pointing it out.
3936488
It's alright, man. Happens to the best of us.
*squeals in pure joy*
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Seriously though, this combined review was a true commander in the rough.
Plus, have they ever even LOOKED at the games that came before it, and the Memes?
3936655
I guess not!
3936483 Cool!
3936488
I know. Auto-correct sucks.
3936492
Hey.... Be nicer to your collaber... Not his fault auto-correct can't correct.
I've never seen this game before, would you recommend it?
3941173
To fucking hell and back.
...though, this is coming from someone who hasn't played it.
3941209
I'll have to give it a try then