• Member Since 17th Dec, 2014
  • offline last seen Dec 14th, 2018

SuperKamek


I'm ded lol. Fuck you, bronies.

More Blog Posts724

Apr
5th
2016

[Metacritic Monday] Final Fantasy VII · 6:01pm Apr 5th, 2016

How's about I tackle a favored game for many, many people?

Hello everyone! My name is SuperKamek and welcome back to another episode of "Metacritic Monday", where I bitch and complain about people who bitch and complain. It was only a matter of time until I made a Final Fantasy review of a review of a review, since FF is one of my all-time favorite RPG series of all time. I'd do one of these on FF6, but... y'know... I couldn't because people surprisingly really like it.

Please, please, PLEASE take note that I will not be ripping apart reviews that are actually legit. If someone dislikes a game for a reason, I'm all okay with that. What I'm NOT okay with is false information, like those stupid "0/10" reviews you find sometimes. Also take note that this is for entertainment and comedy purposes only, so I will be exaggerating a few points I make. So, without further ado, let's delve into Metacritic Monday!


Before we begin, allow me to say that Final Fantasy VII is NOT my favorite Final Fantasy game, let alone my favorite game of all time. I know that for some of you this information will shatter your world and make you want to rip my intestines out and strangle me with them (thanks, Oblivion), but I didn't grow up with this game, nor did I even play it until a few years ago. Even still, I never completed the whole game. HOWEVER, what I got was a beautiful game with a surprisingly fun combat system.

Obviously the game is very old, but with the remake coming out soon, I think our fears could potentially diminish. Unfortunately, that doesn't go for everyone on this world, now does it? So get your Buster Swords and get ready to limit break, because we're going straight into the belly of the beast this time!

Be afraid.


Two this time! Let's hear them!

Final Fantasy 7 is probably the worst Final Fantasy in the entire series. I don't understand the cult following that It has. The music is bad, the gameplay is just abismal, the graphics look like crap, there is no character development and the story line is just retarded. Every time I play it I have to force myself just to finish the first disc, after that i fell like I want to drill a hole in my head. If I could, I would go back in time and stop this game from ever being made.

Story,Characters,Twists, Blah Blah Blah. It's good for a game to have a decent story once in a while, but the gameplay still has to be good for it to be a good game. All you do in this is sit through cutscenes, walk around a little, go through a tedious combat section, sit through more cutscenes, read some dialogue, walk around, another boring combat section, more dialogue, more cutscenes, and then it's over. The outdated graphics don't help either.

Hahaha... Okay, you bunch of jokers!

Final Fantasy 7 is probably the worst Final Fantasy in the entire series.

I'm getting real sick of people just beginning a paragraph with saying "Blah, Blah, Blah, I hate so-and-so!". So I'll spare everyone the trouble and not make the joke this time since it's boring now.

I don't understand the cult following that It has.

Has more than a cult following, sweet-cheeks. :raritywink:

The music is bad

Fuck you.

the gameplay is just abismal

For someone trying to make a point, you have quite the spelling error there. Do you even spellcheck, bruh?

the graphics look like crap

I surprised you don't know how to tell the difference between a game and crap with all the bullshit you spew out of your mouth. :coolphoto:

there is no character development

Except for...

Spoiler Warning.

When we first meet Cloud Strife at the beginning of the game, he's an arrogant and cocky young man who joins the eco-terrorist organization known as Avalanche for the sole reason that Cloud hates Shinra and they should all die in a fire. As the story goes on, he meets Aerith... Aeris... fuck it. She shows Cloud the nicer things in life. And while it is true that her sole purpose was to give Cloud hope, be happy most of the time and act as Cloud's love interest, she still had a nice character and personality. Cloud was finally at peace.

Then Aerith dies. This sends a massive shock wave through Cloud that nearly costs him his life and causes him to enter a state of depression that takes over all his time. It isn't until a talk with Tifa that Cloud finally pulls himself out of the dirt and grows up. He's still a cocky guy, but now he's taking his role far more seriously.

THAT is character development, you idiot.

and the story line is just retarded.

...no, I won't repeat myself.

Every time I play it I have to force myself just to finish the first disc

If you don't like it, why are you playing it again?!

after that i fell like I want to drill a hole in my head.

But-!

You just-!

WHY ARE YOU FUCKING PLAYING IT AGAIN?!?!

If I could, I would go back in time and stop this game from ever being made.

Well, first off you'd have to deal with the split of Nintendo and Square Soft, have to endure through hurdles of rage, anger and drinking, and the years of delay this game got because Square needed to replan everything for the Sony CD burning. Then you'd have to deal with all the paradoxes and time screw ups. Then if you made this review in the present and screwed up the past, you would not only not make the review, but you would cease to exist.

Just sayin'!

Story,Characters,Twists, Blah Blah Blah.

Spaces,between your,commas you prick, Blah Blah Blah.

It's good for a game to have a decent story once in a while

Which is the reason you gave the game a zero.

...fucking idiot.

but the gameplay still has to be good for it to be a good game.

Ahem...

Oh, let's face it; MGS4 was cutscenes the game!

All you do in this is sit through cutscenes,

My point exactly.

go through a tedious combat section,

1. You're an idiot.
2. It's an old school RPG, so obviously you'll have to stop and battle enemies on a battlefield.
3. Not all sections, just one! Which one was it that was so important you decided to dock the game's score?
4. YOU'RE AN IDIOT!!!

sit through more cutscenes,

Okay, there aren't THAT many cutscenes. Besides, it's an RPG; the focus is the story, so if you weren't prepared for exposition and cutscenes, maybe you shouldn't have picked up the game.

read some dialogue

Yeah, that's typically what you do in most, if not all video games ever created.

walk around

That one speaks for itself. :rainbowlaugh:

another boring combat section

Repetitive much repetitive?

more dialogue

Redundant much redundant?

more cutscenes

Joke old much joke old?

and then it's over.

I think the game might be a little more than that. :rainbowlaugh:

The outdated graphics don't help either.

Y'know, everyone's always pissing on the graphics.

True, they may look bad now, but at the time they were the bee's fucking knees. Everyone was talking about how good the graphics looked. Besides, people forget that the majority of models in this game were smaller, cuter versions of the actual characters in-battle, meaning Square could have easily made the overworld characters exactly like the models when fighting. They chose not to either to save on resources or time.

Furthermore, the environments were all hand drawn artwork that blended spectacularly with the 3D models. It was something completely unheard of at the time, and I think it still holds up today.

So stop pissing on the graphics guys.

Or else you'll turn into this idiot:

Though, at least you'll have a REALLY soothing voice... :scootangel:


And that concludes today's Metacritic Monday! Did you enjoy the show? If so, leave a comment down below! Also, what are your thoughts on Final Fantasy VII? Like it? Hate it? Really you choice, I won't blame you if you hate it. As fun as it is to boot it up and play it, I think most of us can agree that it's a little overrated and outdated. But I think if we all act like adults, we can look past all that and move on-

Or we can just act like this fucker. Yeah, sure, whatever... :ajbemused:

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Comments ( 14 )

Yes hmm, interesting read Mr. Metacritic reviewer, however, would you mind explaining why you find the game dull? That might make your review just the slightest bit stronger.:derpytongue2:

Nice work as always, man.:twilightsmile:

I despise FF7, for its comprehensive gameplay, its rich character development, and its stunning, for its time, graphics!

3850028
Exactly! Jeez, sometimes I wonder why people even LIKE this game. :pinkiesick:

3850261

As far as your spoiler text...

You know that Cloud is the one that Murders Aerith, right?

3850288
No, Sephiroth does. :applejackunsure:

3850304

Nope, Sephiroth is half of a corpse in the frozen north. Cloud also murdered president Shinra, which is why the blood trail leads back to his cell. :trollestia:

...

...

The plot is even more complicated than you thought. :rainbowderp:

3850352
...ow, my head... :facehoof:

3850486

I wish I were joking, the plot is pretty insidious. Just think about it, though, No one else is ever around whenever Cloud sees Sephiroth. The whole game leading up to the crater, Cloud is the only one who sees him.

3850566
Well, I mean, they see him during the final battle. :rainbowderp:

Also:
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/615912/if-i-was-a-gym-leader

3850570

Right, that's because they've found him again, after all the one wing angel attachments.

Furthermore, the environments were all hand drawn artwork that blended spectacularly with the 3D models. It was something completely unheard of at the time, and I think it still holds up today.

They did? That's so cool! :pinkiehappy:

I never played but from what I heard rare few land in a gray area. Most either love it or hate it

I found this neat vid that basically shows how, just a few years later, on the same hardware, SquareEnix boosted the graphics with 8. Personally, I'm don't tend to care for graphics, as long as I have fun

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