On Moving Forward (alternatively, Dead Weight) · 9:19pm Feb 15th, 2016
I know the title might look it at first glance, but I'm not leaving the site anytime soon. This is some public reflection about this account, and something of an announcement. If you just want the announcement, it'll be at the bottom of the blog, all bolded and colored red. If you're interested in the whole introspective pie, though, read on.
Every now and then, I go and re-read all sorts of old blogs, stories, and PMs of mine. I don't exactly know why; I'm not searching for anything. I feel more like an outsider looking in than I do anything else. I suppose I do it to go back and see where I came from.
I hate what I see.
Recently, I found an old cached version of my userpage from before I came out as a trans girl, and when I still went by IceboxFroggie. It’s not the oldest, but it was from quite a while ago. Around two years old, I think. What stuck out at me was the makeshift bio box:
My friend Dubs Rewatcher said:
[2/10/16, 7:54:38 PM] William "Dubs" Antonelli: Wow
[2/10/16, 7:54:58 PM] William "Dubs" Antonelli: There's a pretty definite shift in attitude/demeanor between then and now
I was a much different person back then. Of course I was more inexperienced, but it goes deeper than that. I was so much angrier. I was so much more violent. I was so much more hateful.
I suppose part of it might just be growing older, but there’s more to it than that, I think. Dubs also said this:
[2/10/16, 7:55:19 PM] Zoey: I dunno how it happened
[2/10/16, 7:55:25 PM] Zoey: I guess people really do change
[2/10/16, 7:55:52 PM] William "Dubs" Antonelli: I can't help but feel like a lot of it probably has to do with one little note in there that's not entirely true anymore:
[2/10/16, 7:55:57 PM] William "Dubs" Antonelli: "I am male."
I came out of the closet on March 6, 2015. And as soon as I did it, I could feel countless weights being lifted off my shoulders. Years of internalized confusion and resentment and anger just… melted away when I was able to be the person that I am.
When I go back and re-read things I’ve done -- stories I’ve written, blogs I’ve posted, PMs I’ve sent -- before March 6, 2015, I always leave with a certain emptiness. I feel like just going back and being there, and knowing that who I used to be is attached to who I am now, pushes away how much I’ve grown and leaves room for that anger, violence, and hate to crawl back in.
I can’t let that happen.
It’s not just a matter of me being dissatisfied with the stories. It’s a matter of me feeling like they were made by someone entirely different. Sometimes I almost feel like there are two people sharing this profile. Zoey and Mikey.
I’m not disassociating myself from what I used to be. I still know that I did it, and that it was me who wrote all those stories and posted all those blogs and sent all those PMs. But I am recognizing that I’ve grown so fundamentally as a person that they’re not an accurate reflection of who I am, and keeping them on my profile will only serve to hurt me in the long run.
I don’t need things on my profile to remember where I came from. All they do is take up space.
So, that brings me to my announcement.
Soon, all stories and blogs published on this account before March 6, 2015 will be deleted permanently.
I know it might seem a little extreme, but keeping them on board this long has taken a toll on my mental health. I have to cut myself, and everyone else, off from the old me. It’s dead weight. Mikey won’t hurt anyone ever again.
I’ll at least keep archived versions of the stories, for posterity’s sake, and make them available as GDocs. I might go through and archive blogs and comments on the stories as well, but those aren’t as sure as the stories. I’ll also probably archive most of my PMs, because those might actually be a good thing to keep records of.
If, for whatever reason, you’d like to save anything I’ve published before March 6, 2015, it might be a good idea to save a copy while you can. I’ll give a week’s warning once I’ve decided what I’ll do with the blogs and comments.
Thank you for reading, and hopefully understanding.
-- Zoey
I kinda understand some of that. I admit I never lived such a dramatic shift in self-assessment, but I can understand that you feel that something you have written or said years (or even months) ago may not hold true anymore.
I'm glad you'll keep an archive of your stories for yourself and for others, in time it will be good to look back and see from where you came and through what you went.
I'm also really glad you are feeling better. It's something one could feel through the skype chat, but hearing you confirm it is always a good thing.
COMMENT
I think you made the right decision. I can't stand it when people try and police what other users do with their stories.