Chillbook's Adventures with Whale Girl · 12:50pm Feb 1st, 2016
I woke up this morning to check on Sunset's Collection (check it out), when I got an e-mail from fanfiction.net, informing me that I had a new PM. I grinned slightly, because I knew who it would be. I don't wanna drop her username (cause it's absurdly long), so I'll just call her Whale Girl.
Whale Girl has a bizarre obsession with orca whales living in captivity. Her page is littered with (mostly wrong) "facts" about captive orcas, and what you can do to free them. She also has an unhealthy obsession with returning monarchy to the world, and has "Tsarist Russia" as one of her top ten countries (along with China, Lao, and the Phillipenes). I have a long history with Whale Girl, having met her close to a year ago. She basically tried to recruit me to sign a petition to free a bunch of orcas, and I was like "Nah, you're good, I don't know what kinda crazy devil-contract I'll be signing", and I didn't do it. But she kept popping up, normally to ask about the petition and to ask me what I knew about "shark finning". Don't get me wrong, I think that ocean life abuse is terrible (I did a project in 8th grade about dolphin slaughter in the Taiji Cove), but I just didn't have the energy or patience to deal with that clearly insane girl at the time. She soon evolved into a joke shared between me, Conjure, and our mutual friend War. About a week ago, Conj brought it up, me having completely forgotten about Whale Girl. I go to her page to see if it had gotten any more insane (it had), and then I have the bright idea to read one of her stories.
Boy, this was easily my best/worst plan ever.
It's short, short enough for me to put it in this blog without it being awkward or uncomfortable, and it is bad. I do not use that word lightly. It was absolutely terrible. It wasn't even a completed thought. It was a Card Captors story, of all things, and the basic gist was "Syaoran wanted to ask Sakura to marry him so she asks her to marry him and she says yes". Trust me, this is just as much information as you would've gotten from reading the story, but with proper nouns capitalized. After reading it alongside Conjure, we both left reviews, because it was really that bad.
Fast forward a week.
I get an e-mail telling me that I got a PM from Whale Girl. Not only did I get a PM from Whale Girl, but I got three PM's from Whale Girl. Not only did I get three PM's from Whale Girl, but I got three angry PM's from Whale Girl. Mind you, my review wasn't that mean or rude, I just said what I felt and how she should get her life together. However, Whale Girl is of the belief that there are two types of comments in the world: positive comments and rude comments. She struggled with the idea that I could be polite and negative at the same time. So, she did what anyone on the internet would do when someone says something totally reasonable that they don't like.
She called me a f*ggot. Several times. And a pedophile. Several times. She also said that I "NEED TO BE R*** BY BOTH MAN AND WOMAN FOREVER YOU NEED A FATE WORSE THEN DEATH YOU FUCKIN FLEA YOUR SO GAY", and that I "DONT YOU THAT 2 PLUS 2 IS 4 YOU EAT JUCK FOOD ALL DAY YOU FUCKIN PIG A BABY CAN OWN YOU IF I WAS THE DOCTER I WOULD HAVE KILLED YOU YOU FUCKIN J***". I don't even know what that last swear is supposed to be. Anywho, the butthurt is real, and I'm just in bed at 6:45 AM, laughing my ass off for what seems like no reason to the rest of the house. I know what you're thinking, that this chick is a troll. But I don't think so, because her bio page is insanely elaborate. That rant is longer than her entire bibliography (granted, a lot of it is copied and pasted). That's toomuch commitment for a stupid troll.
Anywho, Whale Girl got me to laugh early in the morning, and I made her feel bad about calling me a f*g. After I gave a reply (damn skippy, I replied!) she messaged back saying she was sorry, she didn't hate gays, and that I'm not actually a pedophile. I gave her some sage wisdom, which was basically "get over it", and she apologized again. I just felt the need to share it, because it was literally the funniest thing to happen to me in recent memory.
I was morbidly curious.
For those who weren't, the consensus is that that bio contains about 32 500 words. At Fimfiction's calculation rate of 250 words per minute, that's more than two hours. Took me at least twenty minutes to skim it, and that's with my freakishly fast skimming.
Bloody hell, I've read chapter fics that were shorter. And crackfics that were more coherent. At least the average crackfic has one point and sticks to it. "Whale Girl" here can't decide between stereotyping, orcas, Tsarist Russia, hacked Pokemon, huge
ing lists of anything with no separators - oh Celestia.
Note first five words. Prepare bunkers. Anyway - burning people to death - yes, I'm serious
- "guy sides" and "girl sides", song lyrics, "Relationships God's Way", defending Sonic the Hedgehog 2006 - yes, I'm still serious - lists that are duplicates of the huge
ing lists from earlier, Japanese vocabulary, supposed wisdom of the ages (one of which is "made up by me" - I'm still serious) - hang on, there's a Lauren Faust quote! - "list of people on the internet who fail epicly", "ten reasons why fruits are better then meat" (which stops at seven), an in-depth on her namesake orca, this:
...no comment. Anyway: more defending of characters and shipping them (did I forget that? Oh well, can't blame me), orca profiles that are so coherent they must have been copypasta'd from somewhere, oh thank $DEITY, it's over.
Also, they don't seem to have realised that FFN do not like links.
3728300 Truly outrageous, eh? You got a little farther down that rabbit hole than I, and it didn't become more sensical.
It of curiosity, gow did you find her? I never put her username, did I?
3728301 I figured there weren't many pages under <fanfiction.net/u/> that mentioned captive orcas and tsarist Russia in the same breath. One search later, there were more than I thought (
), but I confirmed the one I was after by cross-referencing with the Card Captors fic you described. (They've written a fair bit on that theme for other fandoms.)
3728307 I admire your determination and I especially love the fact that you just "cross-referenced" something. I dunno why, but the idea of such a serious-sounding term being applied to something this stupid is hilarious and awesome to me.
Me and Conjure went through her message again, and it gets even better. She calls me an ISIS-lover, and, I swear to god, she called me a MILF. I'm going to have to post the whole thing later.