The Show, Walls, and Other Things

So I sat down to (finally) start catching up on season 5 and I've noticed that, in this season more than others, I've a hard time getting through some episodes. Now at first I thought it was because I hate it when characters do something stupid, though I do maintain that it is terrible shame when such things happen, but while watching the first Big Mac/Apple Bloom scene in Brotherhooves Social I realized something. What I often defined as 'stupidity' was when characters seemed to open themselves up to -and actively invite- social pain and rejection. I thought to myself, "If Big M had only said 'Hey, remember this?' then he wouldn't have been cut down emotionally the way he was.' If Mac had handled it slightly differently from the get-go he would have had an emotional shield between himself and AB so any injury or pain could be quickly played off.

And that's when I realized: I do that all the time. In almost every conversation I have I find myself hedging my bets and adding a layer of separation between myself and others; whether through jokes, smiles, or a mask of what I want them to see. I play up what they think is on the outside so that they never look deeper and expose my soft innards for them to stick the knife and really twist. Now I know from experience that such things rarely happen but fear is rarely rational. Hiding behind a wall keeps me from ever really trying and thus from ever really failing.

But it also stops me from ever really succeeding. And that has been the crux of my issues recently.

To be honest things have been in a downhill slide for a while now and it all stems from this fear of trying and that has generated a constant feeling of failure. I first started writing because I saw all the wondrous stories that have been written, or are being written, here and thought to myself 'I want to be able to write like that'. But soon enough it seemed I was more enamored with the idea of writing than the writing itself. I wanted to tell stories but I don't have the skill or natural talent to make it good enough the first time, and if I don't get it done soon I tend to stop. Not because I hit a creative wall, but because I become afraid of it. And I'm not even sure what I'm really afraid of.

I just want to succeed at something so I can look back and say "There! I did that! And I'm proud of it!" That's why as much as I want to rag on stories for how cringe worthy they are, and some of them do make me cringe, I admire the moxie it took for the authors to even put themselves out there. Because I don't really have it, I don't think I'll ever really have it, but I want it so bad.

Cause I'm tired of running. So, so tired. And I'm not sure if it's enough to just want to change.

But I digress, I was talking about Big M and his courage to offer up his unguarded self every time. It takes courage to do so, despite the show's seeming insistence that he's rather 'simple'. He has a positive view that keeps him bouncing back from what I can only immagine are hundreds of situations like this. That kind of determination would put Pinkie to shame and It's something I hope I can someday emulate.

Now! To actually watch the episode! I didn't get past the three minute mark before I had to stop and write this... Good Luck Big Mac!