Equestrian Security Sucks, and Crossovers that would wreck them · 10:48am Jul 6th, 2015
Hi, if you're reading this then you're probably reading something that's been stuck in my head for a while. It ain't exactly enough for me to write a fic with it, as doing so would be completely plotless, but I'd like to share some of the things that's been going through my head in regards to crossovers and why they aren't as common as they usually are.
What we're going for is the grimdark section, or 'realists' section of crossovers. Those who morale codes are either out of Equestrians Definitions of good and evil or simply don't exist. Please keep in mind that this is meant to be a bit of myself ranting to finally get how screwed up Equestrian security is in regard to dealing with threats both organic and inorganic and a small bit as a problem with the lore we've been given so far in the series. But these issues will be ironed out with the crossover ideas that won't be hitting my story list anytime soon.
Crossover 1: Xenomorphs.
Location Spawned: Everfree Forest
Possible methods of Arrival: Crashed Ship, Deployed weapon Testing, portal'd in egg, etc.
Method of Equestria's Destruction:
There are two main methods to how Equestria will end up destroyed and both are a result of Equestria's failure of a security system around the Everfree Forest and the lack of guards and warfare technology beyond Spears and magic laser beams(The later of which only the element of magic could be seen performing. ever.) These methods can interlock so i'll just be combining them for space's sake.
Egg arrives in Equestria, and what pops out? Either the black liquid, or/and a Facehugger. In the crash scenario somepony is probably going to end up trying to touch the liquid, or study it, More likely case is an animal touching the liquid in the everfree forest, we're going to get a face hugger if there isn't already one. In the case of the Face Hugger, there is two options for it. 1: Facehug an ursa minor/major, in which case we're going to get either a massive xenomorph or a giant carcass worth of xenomorphs, in either case a hive could start or 2: What butter colored pegasus that loves animals and have taken in animals it didn't know would try to Greet the Facehugger? Yeah... Flutter's dead. Mainly because of both poor choice in living locations and the Lack of any form of police system in ponyville.
For a town that suffers almost constant monster attacks you'd think they'd get some guards in it, but no, apparently the six non-military trained ponies who are the elements of harmony have to defend the town to the point where town ponies are guessing if its either a friendship problem or another monster attack(as seen in slice of life) whenever they're gathered and looking serious.
For all they're worth the guards are probably just ceremonial in which case, its even worse considering if we're going with this Scenario we end up with Flutters dead off the bat, and a xenomorph hive starting in a forest filled with organic material. With the lack of ranged weapons besides bow and arrows(which ponies need to remain stationary to fire as seen in the Equestrian games), most of their weapons would either bounce off, or if somehow still cutting, kill the pony who struck the xenomorph in case of their acid blood. The only survivors that are feasible at this point is pegasus ponies until a face hugger gets a dragon or a pegasus by surprise, in which case. Flying horror monsters! Joy!
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Round 2: Crossover: Anyone with a gun and a 'kill them' mind set. For this Example if Equestria was a world in the Warhammer universe.
Primary reason: Xenophobia to the point of massacre.
Main failure of Equestrian security: Magical shields that block Foreign organisms but not Solid objects, and the limit of these shields capacity versus over whelming force. Along with the drastic military differences between a race that is in constant war versus "Friendship is magic"
There is no real outcome where the Equestrians can live in this form of crossover and stay that way. Almost every faction they could meet would be out to kill them off the bat before they could so much as say 'Hi! I'm Twilight Sparkle'. The main story around the warhammer universe is typically the xenophobic Empire of the human race, who shoot aliens on sight due to prejudices against anything that isn't them. The fact that ponies can cast magic pales underneath the numerous feats of he who sits on the golden throne, and being bombarded in orbit may be countered by Celestia just swinging the sun around in the sky, but by the time they encounter these aliens they will have already landed, and seeing as the strongest lasers that happened between Celestia and Chrysalis didn't even cause more than a knockout and a surface ash layer over Celestia's horn with beams about half a foot thick... Well.. Try bolter rounds the same width that explode like grenades and move much faster than magic typically does as portrayed in the show. If worse cases come to pass, the empire could call an Exterminatus and wipe the planet clean. This is not to say if the other races find the world first.
Orks are a major threat that would be better suited towards Equestrian technology since a good portion of their troops rush in for melee ranged weapon fighting, but the Ork weridboyz, warbosses, and stolen technology from other races would likely doom Equestria via a war of Attrition.
Tyranids, the race that runs on biomass would find Equestria bountiful with the stuff and have similar results to the Orks, and while they may have shield spells, these spells have been shown to fail under lesser circumstances than an army that can create skyscraper sized behemoths out of a forest. Their own magical creatures could also become their downfall through evolving the troops as well.
Their only chance, would be if they encountered the Tau. The most peaceful race of them all, but even then thats a bit stretched considering the implications of the others finding it.
Then there are the Daemons, Necrons, And Eldar.... Yeah no...
In this case, Equestria's lack of even a basic firearm and well trained military is astounding. The best they could do would be to Mirror pool an endless amount of guards to counter the Orks, or try to take one marine down en mass and try and reverse engineer equipment. But then none of their stuff really counter the "Exterminatus" starting from the other end of the world where Celestia and Luna can't really see. In any case moving on.
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So we've had our 'zombie virus' scenario with the Xenomorphs, and the intelligent military, both of which are armies. Now what about something that isn't an army? One man? Surely one Man couldn't cause the end of Equestria. You'd be surprise. It is actually much cheaper than you'd think. Considering Equestria's lack of ranged weaponry besides for sports and the fact that despite the Everfree Forest being apparently the most dangerous forest in Equestria, they haven't even posted one border guard to patrol the forest, we can safely assume that they haven't even an ounce of respect for the most basic of civilian safety, let alone their V.I.P.'s. Even a pony, without any form of outside weaponry could assassinate Twilight and her friends, and keep in mind it only takes one of them being gone for that magical rainbow power to cease working. Here's a fun way about going to do it.
1: The Human Sniper
Magical Shields block Organics and a second shield that blocks magic have been seen. Nothing shows however that they're prepared for Physical objects. This theory comes from the Crystal Empire hosting the Equestria Games. Within the episode we have Shining Armor, master of shield spells that could protect the entire city from a Changeling Army pounding on it for several days. Yet when that spellcasting knowledge could of come in handy, we don't get a shield spell from our "BBBFF" but rather a bunch of peagsus ponies trying to keep the frozen solid cloud up before Spike melts it for plot. Sure it may be claimed 'it was so Spike could have a redeeming moment' but it dosen't excuse a more feasible solution than Pegasus ponies flying towards a large spikey ice cloud. Give a human a gun, and a reason to kill somepony. (Who knows, Crysalis, Sombra, Discord(before reformation), Tirek, Nightmare Moon, etc. convincing them.) and the great flaw of not protecting the VIP's become apparent. Surprise, and a strange new weapon introduced in the field, most would automatically assume that the gun is a 'magic stick', and try a shield against magic in the case of a second encounter. First encounter, someone is possibly dead, the best choice to start with is what keeps the main six together, Twilight. The rest would fall from there.
2: The Mundane Method: A pony with a lasting Hatred: Trixie, Flim flam brothers, some pony who wasn't invited to pinkies parties or was humilated at one of them, Etc.
The amount of trust ponies place in others is astounding, for example Applejack going along with the flim flam brothers in their second scam, or Trixie's apparent 'reformation' scene. It isn't like dangerous poisons haven't been seen before in Equestria. With Love Poison being easy to brew that the CMC could brew it, and that Poison joke plant. What's to stop someone from getting a more immediately lethal version? Going with someone who already had a grudge enough to kill for it, we could easily see our premiere party planner eagerly eating a poisoned cake presented by someone who wanted to share an apology via cake, or Twilight being offered a slice for free due to her princess status and them wanting to leave a 'good impression on the princess of Friendship'
If the main six had at least one well trained guard each these attempts by enemies both known and secret would be foiled similarly to this.
Yeah I don't see any of them being wary enough to stop that as effectively short of one of them already dropping dead.
Alternatively have a pony die of Freezing via Ice Arrow from the crystal empire. If one can freeze an entire massive cloud, what would it do to a pony?
3. Mundane Method: Timber Wolves, ursa majors, death by dragon: Everfree Forest, it seems that it is very melodramatic for being the 'most dangerous forest in Equestria'. Short of plot we rarely see the actual danger within the forest. With foals trotting to Zecora's house deep in the forest and back by themselves. Timber wolves really need to step up their game along with the rest of the apparently 'deadly' forest. We've seen that these ponies keep almost getting themselves killed and barely escaping due to plot armor. These constant avenues with escaping death is very heroic, but very risky as well, and a plot could occur where one of these ponies falter and fails to beat the risk. Some of their escapes are flat out ridiculous and wouldn't of worked to begin with. I mean really look at this.
I'd like to ask the Timberwolves how the heck they were planning on eating a pony or something if a tiny pebble can choke them and cause them to fall apart? Why do Timberwolves even need to breathe? Aren't they magical constructions of flying wood or something?
In which case if it was played realistically we'd be down one Spike and Applejack. Of course had Spike half the brain, he'd of set them on fire, but whatever. There is still the rest of the times they have plot themselves out of dangerous situations in which they would of been killed. The Dragon encounters (Giant Fire breathing lizard beats Yellow pegasus looking like an angry mother with her 'stare', as well as should of been easily able to outrun spike during the owlicious introduction episode, and the dragon migration could of causing any number of massacres simply feeling hungry while flying over head...), The seeds Discord planted (Seriously, they somehow encountered twilight being put to death despite going in the opposite direction originally?), Changelings if they had gone Actual War style with lethal force (wedding wouldn't of been interrupted if you left 2 dead bodies down there instead of prisoners and Canterlot gone.) the Buffalo-Appleloosa disagreement if it was played seriously. All in all. Equestria has the least protective security measures I've ever seen in both a cartoon, manga, book, and show.
What did these ponies do before the main six came about? Hide in their homes like the Zecora introduction episode? Hoping that they won't get their door beaten down and crushed? Why is it that Twilight has a castle, but 0 guards to secure it? Why was there 0 ponies guarding the damn mirror to another world in the Crystal Empire? Is everyone incompetent or merely insane with the values of friendship beating lethal force? So far in actuality only two villains have attempted to flat out murder members of the main six, but that was interrupted by them helping each other out and going about it wrong. Want to know who those villains were?
She who threw Twilight off a cliff, tricked a manticore into attacking them, and then tried several methods of keeping them from getting over to the elements of harmony. Had she separated them first, it would of ended at the intro episodes with eternal night.
The other villain?
The bloody worm thing who tried to eat Twi and Cadence. Only if they didn't have wings... Sigh.
for those who TLDR it, here's the summary for short.
Everyone in Equestrian Security is dumb, and so is most the villains. Heavens forbid we get a 'lethal force'/ 'Safety is no longer on' Villain. If you've been reading up to this, thanks for reading my rant about the guards and stuff. Post in the comments, I'm interested in what you have to add to this or try and counter for this. It's a heavy danger to leave the main six unguarded like they do in the show and let alone ponyville with the everfree.
Aka, Take that, misanthrope! Your so called OP ponies can't even do shit.
Perhaps their magical shields don't block the actual object, but rather block kinetic energy?
3211729 gotta wonder what would of happened if a changeling was on that train into Shining Armors bubble in a canterlot wedding part 1. Would the train keep going with a flattened changeling no longer alive, or would the train get stuck there?
In any case Shining's and Cadence's shields have been seen to break near constantly in the show with both Chrysalis and Sombra. Let alone the massive amount of force from the warhammer franchise or the Xenomorphs utilizing something that the other villains don't quite get, ie: Digging underground to bypass their shields. Early game stealth and we could have Xenomorphs with unicorn horns and pegasus wings running about considering that virus usually adapted the template of the chest-burster's DNA origins...
3211636 Indeed. If any of the other villains had disposed of a member of the harmony six, we'd be looking at a villain victory aftermath rather than the last minute turn around with Discord, Tirek, Shimmer, Glimmer, The Hydra, etc.
Most of them seem to survive almost on sheer luck or because they were running out of time to give a much more logical ending than choking flying bits of rock and wood with a pebble... ie: tiny rock meet boulder and forest.
Ponies meeting Warhammer, not the most pleasant of images I get from that.
The only way I could see them overcoming the Empire of man and the chaos legion is if the very connection of the warp with all of them had some domino effect when the harmony powers where used on one of them.
3211880 The magical powers of mind control and stoning folk versus the agents of chaos. Hmm. Discord maybe? Really don't see them lasting long in the case of the end all of all methods of dealing with entire corrupt worlds. Tiny rainbow laser of friendship doesn't really compare to giant ship causing the extinction of the dinosaurs level of destruction by colliding into the planet.
May be a major waste of resources but when you have an Xeno capable of moving a sun, a daemon with powers over vast scapes of reality, and a set of magical artifacts that make ground engagement endangerous due to the mind changing properites in it, it'd for sure call for someone to throw down the end all weapon in that multiverse. Though the idea of Celestia vs. Imperial Titan is funny to think about.
3211833 I guess it would depend on how resistant a changeling is to being flattened. It they have the resistance equivalent of a flea...
Fucking Graboids .
Dear Equestrian Security:
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The Mane 6 would truly have a bad time if this guy, Sans from Undertale, was a Big Bad on the show. First, he would fire his Gaster Blasters as soon as the 6 reached him. Then he'd attack the 6 with bones while they're talking, turn their souls blue and slam them around non-stop, step out of the way of their magical "Deus Ex Machina", and finally pretend to accept the magic of friendship before dunking on them with an unavoidable instant kill.
The Equestrians in general are Too Dumb To Live, most likely as a result of Celestia's thousand-year reign. I mean, Jesus Christ, they lack basic common sense and they operate on the 'Out-of-sight, Out-of-Mind' mentality.