" -The Hat Mann
The Cynical Brony: Episode 18: "Over A Barrel Review" · 5:07am Mar 1st, 2015
(Quick note here, please let me know if you find any spelling errors.)
Hello, I'm The Cynical Brony, and I review it so you don't have to! You might be asking yourself why there's another episode so soon after the last one. Well, the answer is that I'm an idiot who has no perception of time and thought that I still had two weeks of February left for time. Anyways, welcome back to Applejackuary! Huh... I just realized that I didn't say that in the previous episode... anyways, today's review is Over A Barrel. Why? Because I wanted to make jokes about
***
The episode begins with what is presumably the hype train for Fallout 4, considering its apparent lack of brakes. Question: What's the point of a steam train if it's just being pulled by a bunch of Big Mac wannabes? We cut to the back of the train and... what the Hell...? Is Applejack reading a bedtime story to a TREE?! Further proof that Applejack is God damn insane! In order to keep Rarity from revealing this to the others, Applejack murders her!
No, instead she just awkwardly chuckles... I'm sorry, is this Ed Gene's pony form? Apparently that fat-ass of a tree is named Bloomberg. Huh, he's as fat, worthless, and stupid as the real world counter part! Apparently, he's being given as a gift to AJ's relatives in
Things get even creepier as AJ starts... baby talking to the tree. Okay, it's official; Applejack's gone insane! I guess my joke from last time was more true than I thought! In fact, I don't even think this is the real Applejack. May I introduce Jappleaack, the insane changeling that replaced Applejack! So, Rarity is whiny for a bit, and theme.
***
We cut to night, where it seems Rarity is trying to kill herself while the others ramble in their drug crazed state. No, I'm not kidding, they're high off their asses. Don't believe me? Listen to this!
"I'd like to be a tree!"
"Well, that was kind of huffy..."
"Huffy the magic dragon..." 
"HAHAHAHAHA!"
See what I mean?! I thought they made it clear in school that drugs are bad, m'kay?!
Then several clopfics were born when Spike sleeps with a tree. Enjoy the nightmares. Really, there are clopfics involving that f*cking tree. So, we cut to morning, where THE PONIES ARE STILL PULLING THE DAMN TRAIN! Jesus Christ, it's been an entire day and these guys are still running? They better be paid well for all that effort. Apparently, the train is under attack by a bunch of buffalo. They're also dressed as Native Americans... oh God, this kind of episode again?! We cut outside and holy crap, the Big Mac wannabes are fighting back!
"Lookie, now they're doing tricks!"
No, they're coming to murder you! When people attack, that tends to be the goal! Then we see a small buffalo hop on the others backs to get on the train, and Pinkie continues to be a moron. Rainbow Dash confronts the not-Bambi, failing to reason with or detain it. As such, not-Bambi gets the tree. What, no one cares about Spike?
"Bloomberg!"
10 seconds later...
"... And Spike!"
Wow. For someone you supposedly love like a son, you don't seem to give a damn about his well-being! Also, it seems the last sane character in the episode just had a concussion, so she's now a bit warped. So, the Mane 6 finally reach
All rise for the greatest character in history. He has fought alongside Daring Do, he has won a staring contest with the sun, and he's beaten Chuck Norris at arm wrestling, Braeburn! I friggin' love Braeburn! But don't take my word for it, just watch:
"Braeburn, listen-"
"Cousin Applejack, mind your manners! You've yet to introduce me to your compodrays! Shame on you!"
"Somethin' terrible's happened-" Terrible is right! Your train is 7 minutes late! That's 7 minutes less that you can appreciate the comfort and wonders of
I swear to God, he speaks so fast and with such a draw that I have to re-listen to his lines 10 times, but he's just so much fun that I don't mind at all! So, he goes on to explain the origins of the town, and goes over the townspeople. He also knows how to get my interest with showing them a bar! He explains that apparently conflict with the buffalo has been quite common, with the buffalo saying the settlers are on their land. So... in other words, "Damn kids, get off my lawn!" We cut to the rare wild Rainbow Dash, who is currently stalking her prey in the desert. That is, until her natural predator strikes: the Chinese Xiǎozhǐ xiàn bǐng. Yeah, apparently Pinkie Pie has been stalking Rainbow. You wanna know why?
No! I refuse! I've already covered it! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME GO BACK THERE!
... Oh sh*t. Apparently all my yelling attracted the buffalo. 
"Stop!"
Too late, they already trampled both of them to death.
... Good God, I might be horrible. Anyways, Spike calls them off. He kidnaps them invites them to the camp, where Dash rejects what I assume is a bowl of dirt and states her distrust of the buffalo because of their attacks. Then we learn that the not-Bambi from earlier is named Strongheart.
Different heart. Besides, this one's the Native American pony, not the Scottish pony. So, Strongheart offers an apology to Dash after Rainbow tries to leave, which is met by counter arguments. Okay, you probably know where this is headed, so I'll stop right here. Despite my complaints from earlier, I will actually give this episode credit in that it clearly shows that neither side is necessarily in the right or wrong, something that people all-too-often forget about when they bring up natives and colonists. Ironic that a show about magical ponies actually represented real world history better than most people. But back to your regularly scheduled snarky comments. The chief is upset that the settlers planted trees over his stampeding grounds. Why do I have the feeling that if I make a joke here, any joke at all, I'll be labeled a monster? Apparently, Strongheart feels that the settlers should move their trees, and how "it's not fair!". Reality 101, dumbass: Life is almost never fair. Also, it's pretty hard to move several hundred trees without causing problems like the trees dying, or the townspeople starving from the lack of apples. The worst part: Rainbow Dash takes this little idiot's side!
We cut to the rocks, where Applejack is behind Rarity-
"Genitally, please!"
... No comment. So, they're about to hike into the buffalo's domain to rescue Dash, Pinkie, and Spike, when they immediately find them! And then I guess Fluttershy has flashbacks to Smile HD and tackles Pinkie. Of course, when it's revealed that Dash has been brainwashed changed sides, Applejack is less than thrilled. However, while Braeburn, god among men, is willing to reach a deal with the buffalo, Applejack demands total war! Hell, even Strongheart is willing to compromise if it means being civil! Let these two talk it out, you mental midgets! 
"The buffalo had this land first!"
"The settlers need it to live!
They were married within the week.
So, Pinkie announces that she has an idea! Let's see, Spike's on the piano, and here comes Pink-what the Hell?!
1.
2.
3.
Seriously, what the Hell?! I didn't request to see ponies in old-west prostitute outfits! I didn't ask for Rainbow's wing boner either! By the way, choose a ship and stick with it, Dash! "You gotta SHAAAARE, you gotta CAAAARE!"
Next scene! I can't take much more of this one!
***
So, what happened while I was gone?
Oh, so not much? We just get a montage of the two groups readying for war, which goes a little something like this:
Fast-forward to noon the next day, where the buffalo are ready to launch the invasion! However, he seems to have second doubts. Thank God, we just averted war! To think so many would have died, lost their homes and property, or be left in the rubble of their town if something had gone wrong-
YOU GOTTA CAAAAAARE, YOU GOTTA SHAAAAARE!!!
God damn it Pinkie, you started war again! GO BACK THE THE FETISH CLUB!!!
Yeah, her God damned singing is what makes him declare war on the town! Pinkie, you're going to Hell! Oh my God! They are destroying the town more than Superman in Man of Steel! Moral of the story: Don't try to build your nest, out in the open west, 'cause there's a million ways to die! The battle ends when the chief is fatally wounded, with the others either dead or being taken prisoner- oh wait, I'm recounting history. Oh God, zombie! No, turns out he just fell asleep and decided the pie was tasty enough, so he won't kill all the men, burn down the town, and rape the women. That's what happened back in those days, kiddies, and both sides did it! So, the episode ends with Applejack continuing to sweet talk a f*cking tree. Final thoughts: This is a classic episode. The story is surprisingly fair, it's a pretty funny episode, and introduces more things to the lore. All in all, a B+ episode. Well, I hope yo all enjoyed Applejackuary! I'm bored with doing reviews of long episodes though... I know! Next episode: Random short stories. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to continue in my efforts to bring Derpy back!
Credits:
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is owned by Lauren Faust and Hasbro Inc.
"Over a Barrel" written by Dave Polsky
"Mortal Kombat Theme" from Mortal Kombat
"Braveheart Theme" by James Horner
"Savages" by David Ogden Stiers, Jim Cummings and Judy Kuhn
"A Million Ways To Die" by Alan Jackson, music video by Daga Yemar
Clips From:
MLP:FiM
Futurama
South Park
***
You wanna know the worst part about this? I promised I would get all episodes of Applejackuary before February ended, and here I am after working for days on this review... only for it to come out around 10 minutes too late. 
2839530
'Cept for the fact that I'm not talking about FoE. Anymore smartass comments?
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2839565
Say that again. I dare you.
Alright, if I spot any, I'll let you know.
so
Unless it was intentional, you don't want a plural there.
Those were the only errors I happened to notice.
If it helps, it's still February where I live, as of the posting of this comment.
2839635 Thanks, I'll do some editing when it's not 1 AM. :D
Also, that information brought a smile to my face.
2839635 Also, how did you like it?
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2839549 I was just comparing your knowledge of trains with Pip's, was all.
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2840068
I'M NOT LITTLEPIP!
2840069 I wasn't saying you were Pip, I was just comparing you to her.
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2839635 And fixed!
This should be Is Applejack reading a bedtime story to a TREE?!
3119992 Fixed.