Z Reviews: Gateway of the Eyes (Part One) · 11:11pm Jan 31st, 2015
This time's review will be of Gateway of the Eyes, authored by Drakalian, reviewed by me, TheifofZ. If you like this review, check my blog for other reviews, or follow this link to go to the post containing the mission statement and a list of all the stories I've reviewed so far.
As always, here's how I'll be doing this; First I'll cover the story idea, and writing style and quality of the story. Next, I'll look at the actual story itself, including character motivation, action (if the story has any), and the general plot. Finally, I'll throw down my egotistical and opinionated rating, declaring exactly how good, or bad, I thought this was. And yes, I will do my best to avoid spoilers for the plot IF POSSIBLE. If the spoiled events are integral to the story, I'll throw down spoiler warnings instead, and ask that you proceed with caution. Always remember, folks. This is all opinion. Disagree with me? Think I'm dead wrong, or spot on? Argue about it in the comments if you want. It's cool. Noone has a truly humble opinion, after all, but make sure you read the review first. With that out of the way, here we go!
Well, another Human In Equestria story. (Seems to be the hot thing, lately.) This one covers the story of a human with amnesia, waking up near Ponyville, and so far, the story hasn't gotten very far yet, so there's not much to say there. The writing, though, is... erratic. Some portions of it have excellent grammar and use of prose, while other points feel clunky, as if the writer isn't completely familiar with the language. That's just small potatoes, though; I have plenty of issues with the story, and we're going to jump on the biggest couple right here. My first grouse is that amnesia, the concept of a being forgetting everything, is a convenient (If over used) tool for storytellers. It does a lot of things to allow certain important points to be glossed over or skipped, and lets writers get away with concepts or story devices that shouldn't work normally. And that's fine... but it's a tool that should be used carefully, especially when it's driving the plot. Here, it feels more like it was used as a convenient excuse for the plot to pick up. Not even getting into how the way amnesia really works is different than the Hollywood version here.
The other big point that drives me bananas is the unfortunate case of a Self Insert Main Character. Now I'll admit, some authors manage to do a self insert as a main character without making it bad. Far too many, though, do self insert Wish Fulfillment, or go straight to Mary Sue territory, and so far a couple of the early signs of a Mary Sue are showing. Depending on how it goes, this could be either a good, or bad thing. Fingers crossed here. (Ankles? Hooves? Whatever you use.) The cast also includes the Mane Six, who are represented fairly well here, and Trixie. I'll be fair on Trixie's representation here, writing someone speaking in Third Person is hard, and the mistakes that are made are easy to ignore or miss, while Trixie herself is handled fairly well, being a simple pony with serious issues of self confidence and pride.
The action is touch and go, really. When the writer is into the scene, it starts to bog down with excess description that slow the pacing, and if the action isn't something driving, it tends to feel glossed over, though the author does do a good job of avoiding talking head syndrome by actually having the characters carrying out actions as they talk.
Overall... I give this story 6 out of 10 moustaches, and 3 out of 5 tricky Trixies.
Any opinions or major points you'd like to make go in the comments below. Advice, Major Corrections, story suggestions, and fan mail can be PM'd to me. ... if I ever get fans. HAH!
Final Note: Hum, this was a mild challenge; I admit that I'm usually unnecessarily wary of stories with obvious self inserts, but still. Once stung, twice cautious, as the saying goes. It's still a pleasant surprise to see side characters like Trixie get a main role in a story, and I wish more people would actually explore those characters. Not background characters, side characters. The ones that are actually important to the plot... a couple times. Also, as I'm on a roll, my next will be another Human in Equestria story, but this one is from my favourites. Don't expect it to be like the others so far.
Hmm, not quite what I expected to hear, but then again, you do seem to be one of the more critical...um, critics here, and it deffinantly shows. Anyways, just wanting to clear a few things, if that's ok. First, yes, I will say that this is a self insert...to a degree. About 98%, but a self insert nevertheless. Like this says, this is part one of two, the original one which is complete, was supposed to be my starting platform, but because of some things that I have done poorly, like making him a Gary sue, as well as characters being OOC and other such problems, I decided to just finish that story and rewrite it. Of course, it's not perfect (I don't believe anything is perfect, otherwise...well, the world would be boring) but I'm still going to be giving it my all.
With that said, I'm very happy with this review, cause now I can get some insight as to what I should be doing to make it better. As a side note, If you are every in the mood to chat, just PM me, and I would be more then happy to do so
Finally, I think I'll give this review three woohoos!
And one WOO!
2760461 I am unabashed about being very picky indeed in the literature I read. It is, however, all my opinion, and I'm not perfect either.
Still, I think that sometimes authors need someone to honestly give them both the carrot and the stick.
Also, anyone that actually checks my reviews should have the honest opinion of what they're getting into. But either way, thanks for appreciating it so.
2760493
YAY friendship! I-I mean...yes, of course