Last nights mental breakdown. · 1:38pm Jan 29th, 2015
This is a conversation I had with. Well what I think is still my gf emily. None of this is edited. It had such an effect on me that I actually broke my razor-blade and went to cut myself, right before dad walked into my room and stopped me.
The beautiful never stay.
The withered and worn remain
Pain and emptiness
push aside happiness and joy.
(me)
(Emily)
so we're not actually together, together. Are we ? Ah never mind. I know what I need to know and nothing more. Night. Hope you sleep better tonight.
sorry
about what. You know I can't help but feel like I'm grasping at air here.
u know what. He has a gf. Imma just do what he did to me. Can we skype?
and that is ? No I can't.
ignore him.
y not?
because I don't like going behind my fathers back and just pissing on the trust he is giving me. oh. I'm sorry. You must hate me.
no I don't hate you. God I could never hate you. I'm just trying to put everything together. Trying to understand everything that is going on. Trying to ignore my dad's advice.
u loved someone so much. Wouldn't you do anything to get them back? What is the advice?
after the last time we were together. We had a talk. He said he understands what young love is like and that he is fine with it. Supporting of it. But he said it makes it just that better when you can actually hold her. Actually kiss her. Actually be there to comfort her.
ohh. True.
and not be separated by hundreds of miles. Instead of a few minutes.
oh true.
after that he gave me a sad look and a patted my shoulder.
go find someone then.
it's not easy. You know th...... Never mind you have guys fawning over you left and right.
huh ?
?
what ? Tell me.
it's not easy talking about finding someone. Actually finding someone. No one. And I mean NO ONE. Wants to go out with a fat kid who can't get his school work done.
Shhh
no one will give him the time needed to see he is a romantic. That he really does care about your problems. That he would do anything just to see you smile. I really am broken.
No
yes I am. We both know it. My family knows it. My friends know it.
No
I mean come on. I'm just a guy with simple dreams. But NO. Everyone wants someone who they can change. Someone that will break them. Someone that will make them want to take there own life. No one wants the simple man. The one who just wants to make you smile.
Austin. Shut up.
well ? I'm done.
don't. Y are you upset.
don't what ? Becaus I'm confused. I'm lonely. I'm crying. Because everything beautiful I try to do is put down before it can flourish and bloom.
I'm sorry.
I just wish I knew what to do. I'm just tired of the pity. I'm tired of seeing peoples faces when they realize I've got no chance in this game. I'm tired of feeling. I want to be felt. Is that really to much to ask. From anyone ?
no.
I don't know what to say anymore. I just had a mental breakdown that's been building up for years now. Sorry.
don't act like that.
like what ? Like I've lost ?
lost what ?
lost my way in life. The romantic. The lover. The person who cares more than the next. I feel like I've lost these aspects of my life.
no.
heh. Hahahaha you know. This is the most I've ever said to you that wasn't poetic or thought out. Or something to help make you feel better. Probably to no avail. This is just pure pint up emotion. Hahahahahahaha.
don't. Y are you upset.
don't what ? Becaus I'm confused. I'm lonely. I'm crying. Because everything beautiful I try to do is put down before it can flourish and bloom.
I'm sorry.
I just wish I knew what to do. I'm just tired of the pity. I'm tired of seeing peoples faces when they realize I've got no chance in this game. I'm tired of feeling. I want to be felt. Is that really to much to ask. From anyone ?
no.
I don't know what to say anymore. I just had a mental breakdown that's been building up for years now. Sorry.
don't act like that.
like what ? Like I've lost ?
lost what ?
lost my what in life. The romantic. The lover. The person who cares more than the next. I feel like I've lost these aspects of my life.
no.
heh. Hahahaha you know. This site most I've ever said to you that wasn't poetic or thought out. Or something to help make you feel better. Probably to no avail. This is just pure pint up emotion. Hahahahahahaha.
what ? I don't know what's going on.
I lost it....... I thought that was kinda clear.
lost what though ?
Agh. Never mind.
lost your sanity ?
there you go.
sorry.
I have no idea what is going on.
I feel as though I missed something.
(Explination) the reason I read more than anything. Is because I don't like thinking. The reason why is because my mind takes me to very dark places. Places I should never even have in my mind. When I'm not doing anything. I think. I think of my past present and future. I think of everything that I've done. The reasons why and the consequences. I can't help that I end up getting frustrated or angry. Hell there are things that I really do regret and hate about my self and my past. The conversation with Emily started near moments ago. She said she asked her ex out. I took this with a grain of salt and asked and what happened. (Big mistake.) she said he was with someone already. Bla bla bla. And I basically found out the wart wants what the heart wants. And I don't think it wants me. I honestly just broke from five years of stress , sadness and loneliness that I just needed to get out.
2755662 hey, I'm sorry things didn't work out. My sympathies however, can't fix the problem. Hell, you may not even want my sympathies. I don't have a lot of time atm, as I'm running to school, but listen to what I have to say briefly. You can't give up. Remember when we were talking about physical fitness? Don't give up on that. Remember when you were writing those very, very talented and wonderful poems? Don't give up on that. Remember when I told you to come talk to us when you were hurt? You've done just that and you don't ever give up on that. I wish you didn't attempt to hurt yourself first, but you still talked to us. You can't give up. This is your life and you can't let it nail you to the wall. Don't sink into a hole in depression. It's hard to climb out of those. You need to keep moving, and more importantly, keep moving with your head up and confidence in your step. Please, message me if you need someone to talk to. Message any of us. We got your back. We have it now, and we always will. Don't do something that further scars you both physically and mentally. Instead, come to us or those you trust. To heal. We will listen, and we will offer our friendship. Together, we can overcome anything. I gotta go but I will be messaging you later. Remember, we are here for you. Never let life pummel you down.
2755680 Eh its fine. I stopped caring about it anyway. heck the only thing that we said to each other today was hey and hello.
I am definitely not giving up on getting into shape, nor do i plan on ending the poetry -as you can see i accidentally became poetic while i was having the breakdown. I really do understand that when you talk things out it helps, it's just this is one of those times were i need to be alone or something. From past experiences, when people try to talk it out and be social it just goes down hill fast. at the moment i'm just going to get a haircut and go back to drawing for a while. I have this cool zombie hand picture that i drew for my friends store here is the link http://randomarmystudios.spreadshirt.com/
my design is the zombie hand. took about 10 hours from Thursday to Friday to make last week
2755889 Neat! I sketch occasionally, I'll have to show you one sometime. I'm also getting a graphics tablet. I understand what you're saying. If you're sure you don't want to talk I'm fine with that. Keep safe! Req~