The window through which we perceive life is what defines our experience of it. We are only aware of a small fraction of what our senses pick up. We can all choose how we see the world.
To all of my followers and readers who have read my latest story: Danger Around Every Corner, what are your thoughts so far on it and I'd like to hear anything you have to say about it.
Anything I need to improve on the story going forward, anything at all, etc. Let me know!
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Lol.
2703064 I see what you did there.
2703068 img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20140825004622/animaljam/images/d/d2/Stepbrothers-yep-gif-1-.gif
2703077 cdn01.cdnwp.celebuzz.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/14/request-five.gif
2703089 markwatches.net/reviews/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/High-Five.jpg
2703127 Yeah!
Well...
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2703194 I figured you would love it, but why?
2703206 Sometimes I just like gangsters and action, sometimes.
2703210 Ah, hope I left you satisfied.
2703132
2703194
pbs.twimg.com/media/BmPVQpZIAAAVTel.jpg
2703228 Ha!
2703228 First of all: media.giphy.com/media/62ezDwgndYj6M/giphy.gif
No, that's my job. I can't stop doing it. And I like your avatar!
2703238 33.media.tumblr.com/d393f79f9dce4e9f0d91412bac6c1880/tumblr_nhbbgtBfGr1rxsqeso9_1280.png
...thanks....
pfft, lol.
2703250 Damn Purple Man...
For starters, kudos for making Trixie a police officer! I'd gladly have her handcuff me for some nice--erm, I mean, obey the law, everyone, obey the law. Nothing to see here, I'm just an honest citizen.
I feel that you're putting a lot of attention to making sure that your readers know and understand what is going on, but sometimes it's getting a bit awkward. Take the following example.
For starters, things marked in red don't add anything to the action. It was already established that the criminal is driving a car, so it's pretty obvious he'd be opening the compartment of his car (unless he has really long limbs and could as well reach Trixie's car, but I don't think that's the case). Gripping something also implies using his hoof (a reader knows the situation: the guy's driving, so he can't fish out the pistol with his teeth, because he has to keep an eye on the road). Lastly, we all know how pistols work, more or less, so if you're telling us that the criminal pulls the trigger we know the bullet will come from the barrel of a gun.
Take a look at how you're describing the action of taking out the gun. "He took his gun out of the glove compartment" became a complex sequence of first opening the compartment, then having the pistol move little closer, then reaching for the pistol, and then finally grabbing it. Because of that you're effectively slowing the action down, and that's probably not what you want in a high-speed pursuit scene. You may consider taking the opportunity here not to describe that the gun has been, indeed, taken out, but to add some wild action. Let him punch the compartment open, let the gun fall onto the passenger's seat. Since he's still driving, let him take one hoof off the steering wheel and make his car get close to the wall, releasing a shower of sparks and introducing the sound of bend metal (or even liberating said wall from those propaganda posters you mentioned!).
Also, take a closer look on how you're connecting your sentences with "as". In the example above, it reads as if the bullet shot out first and then he pulled the trigger. Changing it to "A speeding bullet shot out as he pulled the trigger" makes more sense. Later in the chapter, when Trixie stepped out of her car with a pizza box as she carried Masquerade, I think changing "as" to "and" will make the sentence better. By the way, mentioning that Trixie parked her car specifically in the officers' section is a great opportunity to tell more about her character. Being able to park there puts her above regular cops, obviously, so how about telling how she feels about that? If your Trixie is our typical Trixie then I guess she sees it as a distinction about which she could be talking for ages.
Boy, I went pretty technical with that one, didn't I?
So far there's not much to tell about the story itself. So far we've got one guy charged with murder but pleading innocence, and the chief convinced about his guilt. And of course Trixie! One thing that I really liked was a hint at Trixie and Perfect Slice relationship, but I feel that the story won't go there. Or will it? Only time will tell!
Overall - not bad. I've read it and cared enough to write what little advice I could, and I'm willing to read another chapter.
2703254 Actually one of rebs' posts defining what the purple man was like confirmed that (besides my name not being Vincent, and I'm not purple) I could practically pass as his brother/him. I also sound like his voice actor somewhat. :O
2703259 Cool. Rebornica art is awesome!
2703264 media.tumblr.com/497dbf7b87a90f1e1cd8dc2e56fbacc4/tumblr_inline_mvxire1CnM1qa43er.gif
2703256 Thanks Prane, I'll take those tips to the heart and it'll help me improve the story.
2703267 Castiel
2703270 i.imgur.com/3a57f02.gif