A Review · 8:09pm Dec 21st, 2014
So, a friend of mine Soto Konoha did a review of A Night of Fun! It'll be below, but if you want to check it out he posted it in the comment section of the story. Anyways, here it is:
Okie dokie lokie, I have finished the reading, and it is now time for me to start the review! *stomach growls* After this short commercial break! *grabs some grub and plays commercial*
And I am back, tummy satisfied, fully awake, and ready to give this story a proper review; let us begin.
Let me start off by say this: I enjoyed the story, and you did a really good job. This follows suite with your editors and proofreaders: amazing job!
Like most stories, there were a few grammatical and punctuation errors, but there were only a couple key ones that I wanted to point out.
she discovered that the final one an the left side of the hallway was the master bedroom.
In this part of the sentence, I realized that the 'an' is supposed to be 'on'.
This technology produced musicians called Disc Jockeys or DJs for short and Octavia had somehow acquired one of them as a neighbor.
I believe this sentence holds the bulk of the problem, in my opinion.
With this part of the story, you put 'This' instead of 'These', and you need a hyphen between the words 'technology' and 'produced'. Also, when you try to look at this in parts: "technology-produced musicians", it looks like you are saying the musicians are made through technology rather than the music they make. I would say you should add 'music' after produced. Despite how weird it may sound, it will clear the confusion on readers thinking wrongly.
You also need two commas in this sentence: one after 'Jockeys' and the other after 'short'. The reason I say this is because if you were take out the phrase 'or DJs for short', it would not affect the overall meaning of the sentence. I cannot remember what it is called, so to make do with what I have, I will call it a fragmented clause. It cannot make a full sentence, but removing it will not affect the sentence overall.
The last problem I see with this sentence is that you have an incomplete clause.
This technology produced musicians called Disc Jockeys or DJs for short and Octavia had somehow acquired one of them as a neighbor.
The first part of the sentence has no clause to follow it. You mention them, but there is nothing to connect your reference to their name. "These people called DJs..." is what I see, but you don't have an action to follow it. I figured that you are trying to just tell the readers what they are called, which would make this easier to clear up. If you add an 'are' after musicians, you would have created a complete sentence, and it would look like this:
These technology-produced music musicians are called Disc Jockeys, or DJs for short, and Octavia had somehow acquired one of them as a neighbor.
Lastly, you did not indent this paragraph:
Vinyl smirked, “If you think you can have so much fun how ‘bout we make a bet?”
That was all I really wanted to point out as far as errors went.
You have nice sentence flow and the pacing of the story isn't fast. You have it a little slower than normal, and that is the type of speed I read the majority of my stories at.
Your characterization is good, and your bit of Octavia's fun was hilarious. I could understand how Vinyl felt when she heard Tavi was accomplished of making an hour past her bed time. Oh, Tavi, how adorable you are so; I simply don't know how to keep a serious face around you. Anyways, you were capable of depicting your characters, not only through their words and actions, but through the clothes they wore as well. As far as your clothes choices for the club, I personally, even though I'm a guy, find it fine what you chose. I simply just know that not everyone has the same fashion choice, and somewhere out in the world, someone would agree with you. Aside from that, you did mention the clothes they wore as a form of their character, and that is really nice. Sadly, I really did like Tavi's choice of dancing clothes, aside from the heels. She had a form of formal attire, but it was made more casual to not seem as if she was trying to go to a ball. Formal casual attire is my personal favorite; to be able to look classy and still have the ability to rock out the look. Otherwise, I tip my hat to you from mentioning that character has an effect on a character's character.
There was not a particularly large amount of visualization, but that is fine. Sadly, at times, it seems at times you were data dumping more than steadily throwing in details about appearance and surrounding when needed to help a reader imagine the scenery themselves. For future stories, I would suggest trying to split up the details about your story. This particularly works for a character's appearance. Since you are following them around, there are plenty of opportunities for you to throw details in at your whim. When it comes to scenery, it is a bit harder, unless you intend to return to an already used setting. In cases where you don't use a setting again, it is okay to point out its detail in one sitting. By splitting up the detail, it appears more realistic to the readers, for it is hard for most people to fully recognize details without seeing them over time and consistency.
Overall, this was a good story. It has it's minor errors that could be fixed, but nothing too major that will make the story seem bad. You have a concept that is unique in a way (with them becoming friends and having the bet as their cement to build their relationship. I didn't really see this story as being too romantic; it seemed more as friendshipping than shipping mostly because it didn't have the characters think or do anything that would be considered 'romantic'. You definitely covered characterization with an extra bit I don't particularly see anyone else use: their clothes, so that is a plus. Your visualization is decent, and it only needs to just spread out a bit to find itself more effective in the story. Good job on the story, and it earns my like! I'm glad to have reviewed this story, and I wish you luck on your future stories.
From hell, to you, and back again,
Soto Konoha, Fort Impression On Everypony
Gosh, so much attention. What can I say? *fixes hair to cover my eyes* Just as long as you have fun writing and reading, I will have fun reading and reviewing.
2668591
Thought I should show it. I thought it was great. But I'll be looking forward to your reviews.
2668642
Well, it is your choice, and I will follow behind it.
Damn. I've been shamed as an editor. I tip my imaginary hat to you, Soto
