• Member Since 28th May, 2014
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

ShadowblazeCR


As a writer you ask yourself to dream while you're awake. As an editor you ask yourself how to change a story while leaving it the same.

T

Due to a conversation ending in a bet that Octavia had to have a night of fun, she now has to go out to a 'gig' as Vinyl says and have fun or well, not.


A celebratory story for reaching seventy-five followers.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 36 )

It's everything I could have wanted…

Great job! I love it.

YESYESYESYESYESYES!

YOU FINALLY POSTED A STORY!

Congratulations! It's awesome!

Time to get my review on!

5404760

Thanks, I hope to get more OctaScratch done soon.

5404764

Ha, more shall come.

5404794

I couldn't have done it without you.

5405327
Oh geez, when will this arrive?

This was really cute I thoroughly enjoyed it :pinkiehappy:

5408605

I'm glad you did. I plan on continuing this as a short story series or something, I have one story planned as a one-shot then a full story after if this keeps doing well. Thanks for the fav too.

5408617 well I look forward to your continued works :twilightsmile:

5408647

Thanks. I hope to not disappoint.

5408055 Now I know that's not true. Yu already had another editor, and it's not like I wrote anything :twilightsheepish:

But it was awesome editing for you, so thanks :twilightsmile:

5408729

You can never have enough help. But, you're welcome. Be ready for some more stories.

5408058

Okie dokie lokie, I have finished the reading, and it is now time for me to start the review! *stomach growls* After this short commercial break! *grabs some grub and plays commercial*

And I am back, tummy satisfied, fully awake, and ready to give this story a proper review; let us begin.

Let me start off by say this: I enjoyed the story, and you did a really good job. This follows suite with your editors and proofreaders: amazing job!

Like most stories, there were a few grammatical and punctuation errors, but there were only a couple key ones that I wanted to point out.

she discovered that the final one an the left side of the hallway was the master bedroom.

In this part of the sentence, I realized that the 'an' is supposed to be 'on'.

This technology produced musicians called Disc Jockeys or DJs for short and Octavia had somehow acquired one of them as a neighbor.

I believe this sentence holds the bulk of the problem, in my opinion.

With this part of the story, you put 'This' instead of 'These', and you need a hyphen between the words 'technology' and 'produced'. Also, when you try to look at this in parts: "technology-produced musicians", it looks like you are saying the musicians are made through technology rather than the music they make. I would say you should add 'music' after produced. Despite how weird it may sound, it will clear the confusion on readers thinking wrongly.

You also need two commas in this sentence: one after 'Jockeys' and the other after 'short'. The reason I say this is because if you were take out the phrase 'or DJs for short', it would not affect the overall meaning of the sentence. I cannot remember what it is called, so to make do with what I have, I will call it a fragmented clause. It cannot make a full sentence, but removing it will not affect the sentence overall.

The last problem I see with this sentence is that you have an incomplete clause.

This technology produced musicians called Disc Jockeys or DJs for short and Octavia had somehow acquired one of them as a neighbor.

The first part of the sentence has no clause to follow it. You mention them, but there is nothing to connect your reference to their name. "These people called DJs..." is what I see, but you don't have an action to follow it. I figured that you are trying to just tell the readers what they are called, which would make this easier to clear up. If you add an 'are' after musicians, you would have created a complete sentence, and it would look like this:

These technology-produced music musicians are called Disc Jockeys, or DJs for short, and Octavia had somehow acquired one of them as a neighbor.

Lastly, you did not indent this paragraph:

Vinyl smirked, “If you think you can have so much fun how ‘bout we make a bet?”

That was all I really wanted to point out as far as errors went.

You have nice sentence flow and the pacing of the story isn't fast. You have it a little slower than normal, and that is the type of speed I read the majority of my stories at.

Your characterization is good, and your bit of Octavia's fun was hilarious. I could understand how Vinyl felt when she heard Tavi was accomplished of making an hour past her bed time. Oh, Tavi, how adorable you are so; I simply don't know how to keep a serious face around you. Anyways, you were capable of depicting your characters, not only through their words and actions, but through the clothes they wore as well. As far as your clothes choices for the club, I personally, even though I'm a guy, find it fine what you chose. I simply just know that not everyone has the same fashion choice, and somewhere out in the world, someone would agree with you. Aside from that, you did mention the clothes they wore as a form of their character, and that is really nice. Sadly, I really did like Tavi's choice of dancing clothes, aside from the heels. She had a form of formal attire, but it was made more casual to not seem as if she was trying to go to a ball. Formal casual attire is my personal favorite; to be able to look classy and still have the ability to rock out the look. Otherwise, I tip my hat to you from mentioning that character has an effect on a character's character.

There was not a particularly large amount of visualization, but that is fine. Sadly, at times, it seems at times you were data dumping more than steadily throwing in details about appearance and surrounding when needed to help a reader imagine the scenery themselves. For future stories, I would suggest trying to split up the details about your story. This particularly works for a character's appearance. Since you are following them around, there are plenty of opportunities for you to throw details in at your whim. When it comes to scenery, it is a bit harder, unless you intend to return to an already used setting. In cases where you don't use a setting again, it is okay to point out its detail in one sitting. By splitting up the detail, it appears more realistic to the readers, for it is hard for most people to fully recognize details without seeing them over time and consistency.

Overall, this was a good story. It has it's minor errors that could be fixed, but nothing too major that will make the story seem bad. You have a concept that is unique in a way (with them becoming friends and having the bet as their cement to build their relationship. I didn't really see this story as being too romantic; it seemed more as friendshipping than shipping mostly because it didn't have the characters think or do anything that would be considered 'romantic'. You definitely covered characterization with an extra bit I don't particularly see anyone else use: their clothes, so that is a plus. Your visualization is decent, and it only needs to just spread out a bit to find itself more effective in the story. Good job on the story, and it earns my like! I'm glad to have reviewed this story, and I wish you luck on your future stories.

From hell, to you, and back again,
Soto Konoha, Fort Impression On Everypony

5435135

Thanks, I plan to have another out soon.

rage on my story pal ill rage on yours

5558329

I'm not raging, I'm stating facts. And I'd rather you not defile my story with pointless comments. Thank you.

5558329 Really?

You actually left a negative comment here for the sole reason of Shadow adding your fic to a few badfic groups?

Just...wow.

5610192 man, this was a week ago, I really don't care anymore, neither does he

5408605 Dafuq are you doing here?

Also, this needs a sequel.

5625528

He's a friend of mine. That's why.

5625528

One is planned. It'll be awhile till it happens though.

i58.tinypic.com/mlp4s2.jpg

5625536
5627221
Sounds awesome. I cant wait for it to come out.

Also, he is a friend of mine as well. We live on the same campus.

5628939

Heh, well I'm working on a secret little project that involves some others and his editor so I won't be working on that for a little bit. Just keeping everything on the down low till the release of the project.

And that's cool, I hope I find more Brony friends sometime.

5625528 Cause I'm friends with Shadowblaze?

5629746 So I found out.

Not bad but a few minor mistakes though I'm sure others have caught them so my point is moot. Overall great story so you get a like.:scootangel:

Looks interesting. Will read later and let you know how it is:rainbowdetermined2:

7449928

Thanks!:twilightsmile:

P.S.

My stories get gradually better, so if you like this one, then my most recent is the best so far.

7449940 I finished reading your story and I must say... I love it. While there are a few errors, its pro's overway the problems(that and someone else already beat me to it:twilightsheepish:)

7452559

Well, I'm glad you like it. I should have another OctoScratch one-shot out in about the next week, so keep a lookout for that!

7452613 If it's as good as this, I'll keep that in mind. I have a story but it doesn't shine nearly as well as this:ajsleepy:. But enough about that. I'll keep an eye out or you could message me if you want:twilightsheepish:.

It’s a great view, said the relater.

anyone else catch this? i saw quite a few mention errors... but no one touched this.

realtor.

Hey, another awesome one! :twilightsmile: Not bad, not bad! Full marks!

We need a sequel to this

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