Pilot: "Rules of Immortality For Those Time Does Not Affect in The Slightest"

Hello, and welcome to the pilot of a new series! A book I wrote a while ago that got rejected from FiM Fiction, Rules of Immortality For Those Time Does Not Affect in The Slightest will be published alongside The Cynical Brony if this pilot goes well. I hope you enjoy it! Please note this is one of my earliest works, so it won't be nearly as good as everything else I make (most likely).
Dark, Random, Slice of Life, and Comedy
"Hello, my name is none of your business, but you can call me a poor basterd, because I'm now stuck with the worst job anyone could ever have: being Twilight Sparkle's immortal student. 'But wait!' You're all crying. 'Shouldn't you happy that you get the honor of being THE Twilight Sparkle's personal student AND being gifted with immortality?'
No. Being immortal isn't all it's cracked up to be, kid-o. And being The Princess of Friendship's student is even worse. I have to deal with out-living my friends and family, being the personal slave of a mad mare, Twilight's INSANE friends, the God of the Sun, the God of the Moon, the 'reformed' Demon of Chaos, being a target of assassinations, and spend my entire damned eternal life with these idiots! It's horrible! In fact, here's Satan herself handing me ANOTHER DAMN ASSIGNMENT! AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR SPARKLE?!
Wait, what's this? She's... allowing me to write and publish my own novel, saying whatever I want about Equestria and it's leaders without the threat of execution? Yes! But wait, what should I do? Reveal international secrets, no doubt dooming these morons? Start a line of vicious rumors that will destroy their credibility and reputation? No, they could drag me down with them if I did that. What's something someone would need to know about our leaders before doing everything I did? A-ha! Got it! I'll write a survival guide, a list of everything to and not to do in my position!"
***
Rules of Immortality for those Time does not affect in the slightest…

1. Whether you go by sickness, steel, or lead, you will die eventually.
2. While Time my not affect you, the death of others can. Insanity mixing with immortality is NOT a good combination, so try to avoid going insane and/or talk to someone about it.
3. Try to remember everything important in your life. Over all the years you’ll spend alive being immortal can take important memories away from you, such as family, friends, and even your name.
4. Keep up with the times. A lesson most learn via the Princess of the Moon, times change, and with it etiquettes and cultures. Try to stay on top of things in order to make sure you’re still in the limelight.
5. Never abandon your morals. That’s a life lesson in general, but it becomes even more important when you suddenly live forever.
6. Don't abuse your new power, or you'll be banished to the moon or turned to stone. Looking at you, Discord.
7. Don't be a Mary Sue Don't re-write history with your power and the fact that you could have lived through such a thing.
8. Don't re-write the damned rule book, Discord.
9. Don't be like our troll goddessErm, I mean, don't mess with other creatures minds.
10. Don't piss off the sun goddess that can make my eternal life a living Hell.
***
11. Try to keep calm when dealing with Discord. Get mad, and your playing into his little game.
12. Don't kill anyone. Getting a life sentence while being immortal is absolute Hell.
13. Don't let Twilight Sparkle inside your house. Her OCD will destroy EVERYTHING.
14. Don't lock Twilight out. She will blow your house up if you do.
15. Don't make eye contact with Twilight Sparkle. She will tag you for her list if you do.
16. Don't let Twilight get drunk. Last time that happened, Ponyville just exploded.
17. Hide any and all alcohol from Discord, especially Brandy Beer and Applejack Daniel's.
18. If Discord DOES get drunk: Run.
19. Don't let Luna give you her Moonshine. That stuff 'll kill ya.
20. Never refuse an order from Celestia.
21. Always refuse orders from Discord.
22. Don't use the Elements of Harmony as metaphors of their respective Bearer's possible Romantic interests, either Celestia will put you in the dungeon, Twilight will beat you half to death, or the Bearers WILL beat you to death.
23. If a brown stallion with an hourglass cutie mark invites you into his big, blue box, run away. We've lost 20 guards to that madman's adventures in time.
24. Never doubt the magic of friendship, or they will find you, and end you.
25. Don't try to master Chaos magic. Last time that happened, Twilight got drunk when she couldn't...
26. NEVER let Twilight run out of parchment.
27. Never let Miss Pie give you one of her "special" cupcakes. Those are lased with cocaine we all know it!
28. Never joke about the Bearers sisters. My jaw is still crooked after Miss Dash punched me for that comment regarding chickens and flightless Pegasi...
29. Never aggravate the Bearers. They're heroes, but they are EVIL when you screw around with them.
30. Don't destroy the universe by asking Cadence how her cutie mark is the Crystal Heart when the Crystal empire wouldn't return until years after she got her cutie mark. Don't even think about it.
***

"Here we go, already 30 rules in! This is the easiest thing I've done in years! Problem is, I'm running out of ink. I'm going to have to pick up some more without Twilight knowing..."

"And why exactly don't you want me to know?" Twilight Sparkle asked with a raised eyebrow. "It's rude to go around keeping secrets..." She narrowed her eyes.

"Gah! Erm- I mean, Hello Twilight! How are you?" 'Oh merciful Goddess, she's on to me!"

"I'm good, but you didn't answer the question. What don't you want me finding out?" Twilight took an unintentionally menacing step forward.

'Oh Goddess, please no! Please just go away!' The purple Alicorn took another step forward. 'I DON'T WANNA DIE!' Our hero screamed in his/her mind. Just as it appeared all hope was lost, there was knock at the door, and in stepped Insanity incarnate.

No, not Discord. What do you think?! In stepped Insanity incarnate, Pinkameena Diane Pie.

"Hiya, Twilight!" The pink demon shouted in the Alicorn's ear. "Is this your student? Dashie told me it was mean and grumpy! Is that true?" Pinkie's mouth went a mile a minute.

'Good Goddess, how is her jaw not broken?!' The relived student pondered.

"Simple: I have icing for bones! Silly filly!" Pinkie merrily whispered into our hero's ear.

"Did you just-"

"Yepperoni! I sure did, Poor Basterd!" The sinister pink mare replied.

"Pinkie! Don't be rude!" Twilight glared daggers into Pinkie.

"But I wasn't! he/she said that's what we could call 'em 3 chapters ago!" Pinkie returned the glare, but comically over serious.

"What? What do you mean, 'three chapters ago'?!" Twilight shouted, but then calmed herself. "Nevermind Twilight, it's just typical Pinkie Pie antics," She whispered under her breath.

"Anyways, I'm just getting you for the party today!" The pink, sadistic mare shouted.

"What party?"

"The, 'Your-student's-doing-super-duper-well-thanks-to-you-teaching-'em Party!" Pinkie answered. Twilight raised an eyebrow, lowered it, and rested her face on her delightfully soft hoof.

"Okay, Pinkie. You win." Twilight turned to the door and started walking.

At this, "Poor Basterd" released a breath he/she didn't know it was holding. After Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle left, our hero turned back to the desk and found three small pots full of ink and a note. 'To: Poor Basterd. From: Pinkie Pie, with love...

Author's Note:
And the 4th wall died that day.

And that was the original four chapters of Rules of Immortality For Those Time Does Not Affect in The Slightest. If you'd like to see the rest of the story, please tell me. If you thought it was udder garbage best left forgotten, defiantly tell me. Goodbye!
-Kieg1215, AKA, The Cynical Brony.