Fools! You Cannot Bring the Pirate King to Church! · 12:42am Sep 10th, 2014
So, I just got gangbanged (always a great way to start off a sentence) by several people in the lobby of my apartment who were representing a church a few blocks over from where I lived, and shiver me fuckin timbers they were bad at convincing me to actually go to their congregation. As some of you might remember, I have been in quite a few churches, been a champion of persuasive and public speaking competitions for years, and have done a fair amount of recruitment in my fraternity, and the pathetic attempt I just experienced is quite possibly among the top five worst I've ever seen.
Now, they likely would have failed to draw me into their fold anyways as I have a personal tenet to not become a permanent member of any church and never go to more than two given services in succession, but I likely would have at least heard them out and pretended to be civil if they weren't so damned annoyingly, obviously desperate. Even after I said adieu and went up to my room, not two minutes later they had followed me up there and asked if I was sure that I didn't want to hear about my lord and savior.
Besides, me going to church with them would have probably gone a little something like this just to fuck with them, knowing my seafaring scoundrel ways.
Christ, I'm going to need more liquor.
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2442346
The logic in your present interjection has left me without any option of rebuttal. Good show.
CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM NOW, YOU HEATHEN!
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You know what would probably keep them away? A picture of the Holy Virgin Mother Mary on your door. But since college guys seem to be the asshole kind of atheists, you'd be leaving her open for vandalism.
Or you could post a non-soliciting sign on your door.
2442381
Well, the problem is they went through the university (I accidentally call my dorm an apartment a lot due to it's layout being more similar to an apartment than a traditional dorm), so there was no way of keeping them off it.
Also, you forget that I live in the bible belt. The atheists here get turned into soilent green.
2442407
But you can stop them from knocking on your door.
2442414
That is quite true, although back home we found that a .357 was just as effective.
2442422
I don't think your college or the law would approve of that.
2442427
Granted. The Virgin Mother will have to do.
2442429
Someone's actually going to use my advice?
Be glad it wasn't the church I used to attend
It was a small one about 30 people and they were all baby-boomers. Heck, the oldest was born back in the early 20s if I remember correctly
2442519
Yep. Posted her up just moments ago. That'll teach em. Although I'd love to see my roommates' reactions when they get home.
2442539
Sounds a lot like the church I attended as a kid.
2442820
Make sure you let us know your roommate's reactions.
Also, can we see the picture if her that you used?
2442858
There's a way to upload pictures onto this site?
2442950
Well, did you print her off the internet? Or did you just have her laying around?
2442970
He just had her laying around. He jerks off to it daily.
Archimedes, no! Bad bird! I told you after the last incident you weren't allowed to type. Now, shoo!
Yes, I printed her off a little while ago.
2442996
Ah, see what I meant by see was this:
askchefdennis.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/bacon-2.jpg
2442820
I didn't mind but the sermons were boring as hell
2443136
Yeah, Mine was pretty much the same way.
2443003
static.comicvine.com/uploads/scale_small/9/92932/2489180-virginmary.jpg
2444229
And they were uber conservative
2444229
So how did your roomates react?
2444278
One asked me why I put a "nun bitch" on my door. The other two just seem kinda confused.
2444232
That tends to happen in any southern churches.
2444417
Yup
2444417
*Dies of heart attack at the blatant disrespect shown*
2444436
I take it you're catholic?
2444442
Yes.