A dedication to nitpicking - Fluttershy's Afterparty

Alriiiiight! So, I have recently begun to find some really REALLY bad authors lately, and eventually I gave in. I found something that bothers me SO much...that I gotta straight up take it apart piece by piece.

So, this blog post will also be followed up by other stories when I get the time to read them. For now, new series of me going out of my mind.

Original story is here; http://www.fimfiction.net/story/213948/fluttershys-afterparty

I'm gonna begin with the long "description."

After rudely awakened

After a rudely awakened.

SweetAppleAcres

Sweet Apple Acres. With a period at the end because the next line.

And thus the Party was made to make Fluttershy feel better from the stress of adoption.

Uhm, sentences don't start with and. Also, party*.

Okay enough with the grammatical errors...I need to understand what the description MEANS.
The story description is supposed to DESCRIBE what the story is about, but when people can't even understand it...you're doin' somethin' wrong.

Oh, also....erhm, did you say this was EDITED by someone?

Edited by: Pinklover12

Oh-kay! Time for the story.

She got into her bed and
started to fantasize of what the little orange pegasus would do tomorrow.

What's with the sudden break at the words "and"...and "started"? I don't understand why you need to do this. Is this vital to the plot...or...?

"Why would somepony knock on my door at one in the morning?" Fluttershy thought to herself.

Uhm, when you put the double quotes, doesn't that mean that somepony/somebody is talking out loud? Not, like...y'know, in their heads? You can italicize your text like this to verify too.

"But Rainbow, it/s one in the morning and -"

Guess I lied when I said the grammatical errors aren't done.
it's*

So-Awesome"!

so... awesome

Are these supposed to be different? I..erk, uhm...ppppbth I'm so confused WHY ARE THEY DIFFERENT. I mean did you add the "..." so that she would wait longer or what?!

"What about Scootaloo? She'll be here all by herself and nopony to be with her." said Fluttershy. Fluttershy was getting worried. The same thing happened to her as a foal. Fluttershy's parents were always working, And one night when she was around five, a robber broke into her parent's home, stole several valuables, assaulted Fluttershy, and scarred her for life. Tears rolled down her face, and she told Rainbow Dash to leave. But Rainbow didn't leave. Instead, she walked straight into Fluttershy's home.

Nopony will be with her*
and in line 3*
Oh and how far are we?
...
Less than 300 words.

"Fluttershy. Let's go. I mean it." Rainbow Dash was getting frustrated.
"No." said Fluttershy.
"You are going if it's the last thing I do." Rainbow Dash was getting angry now.
"No! I'm… I'm not going!"

Okay.....
Now I'm pretty sure we all know that Rainbow wouldn't act like this and blah blah the guy under me can explain.

"Oh, she was as stubborn as a horse! I don't what is up with her, but this after party should cheer her up." said a very TIRED Rainbow Dash.

I don't know what is up with her*
Said a VERY tired*
Why is TIRED capitalized and not very?

Applejack then had Fluttershy sit up at a temporary folding bar that had looked as if it was in the barn for a few years.

Uhm, what?

Applejack then took the glass and poured a small bit of the liquor in a shot glass.

She took the glass and poured liquor from it into a shot glass...am I not understanding this correctly?

Applejack what are do-

Applejack what are you do-*

"Well, I need to go home and get some shuteye, AJ. Spike has been asleep for the past two hours." said a very TIRED Twilight Sparkle.

Again, the TIRED thing...but what does Spike having been asleep for the past two hours have to do with being sleepy and needing some shuteye?

"Well, I guess I should be going, too." said an also TIRED Fluttershy.

It had just dawned on me...JUST as a read this, Fluttershy wasn't just TIRED, but invited AFTER the after party had happened. I know RD was gonna invite Flutter's to the after party, but it was an after party in the sense of Pinkie Pie. Y'know, like...a party thrown after another party? So are you telling me she literally invited Flutter's after the party was over JUST for a drink?
Man, what a jerk.

Just then, Big Mac walked over and sat on a wooden stool next a Fluttershy. They both smiled at each other and Fluttershy kissed him on the forehead.

Next to Fluttershy*
There is some shipping going on behind the scenes...do not like.

Fluttershy was overwhelmed by the drink. It was like nothing she'd ever had. She took the bottle of Liquor and drank more. As she got buzzed, the pain of Scootaloo, and being harassed as little foal left her soul. All the horrible, horrible pain and suffering was being washed away by the liquor. It felt so good to her. It numbed the pain.

liquor*
harassed as a little foal*
The horrible, horrible pain and suffering was washed away by the liquor*
Also, note at the end is says that "It numbed the pain".
When you "numb pain" that typically means like putting an ice pack on your forehead to stop an incredibly awful headache...I thought all the pain she was having wasn't PHYSICAL. It was internal feelings, not being punched or something.

Applejack poured the rest of the bottle's contents in a mug and gave it to her friend Fluttershy.

Suddenly...A MUG.

"Like I told you, Applejack, Your 'Special Cider' would cheer her RIGHT up!" said Rainbow Dash proudly.

Should I be letting this one off? I guess so. This "Special Cider" bit was pretty perfect, you remembered to use ONE comma.

"Yah, Ah'll bring her back, it is dark anyways." said Rainbow Dash.

SUDDENLY...
SOUTHERN RAINBOW DASH.

Rainbow Dash, with the Drunk yellow pegasus on her back, trotted back to her home. Once they arrived, Rainbow set Fluttershy down on her bed gently. A small breeze crept through the room, but Rainbow Dash was already gone.
Fluttershy stirred slightly, still peacefully wandering through dreamland, as the thin light of morning began to dawn.

drunk*
A*

To be continued

SO YOU DO KNOW HOW TO ITALICIZE...
Strange concept, I like it. But it needs revision before I can understand.