About to crack... my apologies if something should happen in the future. · 2:29am Jun 7th, 2014
I want to make this perfectly clear. I'm going into some deep shit here. I type everything here just now as I realize it, it is 100% my stream of consciousness as a realize some things about myself. This is not a call for attention, this is not a call for help... I guess it's just a call for understanding.
I'm an aggressive person, a bully, an asshole, however you want to put it. I realized this earlier today when I nearly attacked one of my best friends verbally for no apparent reason. All they asked was a rather naive question. I proceeded to call him stupid in more than 4 ways in the next few sentences. Yes, he lacks common sense rather heavily but that's not his fault. He didn't deserve that verbal thrashing he got as he tried to defend himself to no real avail. After that he left for work rather pissed off without a single word.
Then I remembered the stories my mother would tell me about when I was a baby, I was a bully then too. I could not be in the same room as other kids because I would just hit them or push them. As I got older that went down and stopped around grade 1 (my second go around, I got held back for attitude issues.) Where it hit almost an ignorant bliss, I was a normal happy kid who was nice to most people. Most. There were times the bully slipped out and i picked on a kid for something, usually verbally. But what I realized now, is that it was never on purpose.
One time in 3rd grade, a girl dumped a bunch of wet mud all over my white shirt. And I never could figure out why. Something tells me that was connected.
But it wasn't until around 10 years old I realized I had repressed rage. You know, that age I talked about in a previous blog where I started to become somewhat self-aware of the things I was doing. It was also when I realized I had no self-esteem, i never really could figure out why. Just no matter what I did I never had confidence, no matter how much I was told I was good at something I never felt like I was. I still don't now.
But now I sit here, my hand trembling a little bit, stomach having butterflies, and my mind going a mile a minute, literally no more than an hour ago I realized that i'm in an emotionally abusive relationship. One that I intend to get out of when the time arises. Whether it be through violence or words (don't worry I don't have intentions of murder or seriously hurting anybody).
Wanna know who it's with? My father. Yes another child with daddy issues, it's so common these days.
I came to this conclusion a while ago, but now when I was doing some research on abusive relationships and I thought to myself "Holy shit... it's true."
Let me try to explain it as best as I can.
Imagine the thing you find to be the most annoying, now have it there non-stop since the day you could understand the world around you. Now take that, and add the fact that you can never stop it and if you even so much as try, you end up paying the price for it. Now have it do more annoying things on top of it that also never stop. To the point where you're just about to mentally snap and break something. Now add on the fact that it's the only thing keeping you from being happy and content. And the only thing you have left, is the comfort that in the future you can make it end... you just have to last a little longer.
Hopefully that explains it for you.
It's like that with my dad, now before you start going (pffft that's just every kid being annoyed with their parents.) It's not so shut up and listen. If he's not pestering the crap out of me by some form of touching, teasing, or annoying noises. He's lecturing about something, criticizing, getting in an argument that he knows he's going to win just so he can feel superior, or just plain drilling with questions.
I've gotten mad before and voiced my feelings. Guess what happened? I got grabbed on the arms and thrown into my bed and yelled at. Then grounded for a week because I had feelings that didn't agree with his. So now, whenever he does something I hate... I just have to repress it. I don't have any other options then go talk to mom about it. Which she does understand and tries to talk to him about it. Of course that works for a few days, then goes right back to it.
But now, i'm gaining the upper hand. Right under his nose. Remember those martial arts blog posts? Soon i'll have the knowledge to do something and fight back to defend myself. One flaw with that though.
My religion. Now before you start going into religious arguments and trying to say how stupid it is or whatever. I will immediately delete any form of comment that even comes up about that.
Honour thy father and thy mother. One of the ten commandments in the Christian faith. As a kid I cannot disrespect my parents, regardless of how bad, abusive, or hurtful they can be. God promises his due rewards for those who suffer and I quietly wait for mine.
Why am I telling you this and what does this have to do with the title of this blog post?
Because i'm not sure if I can last. One day I may have a nervous breakdown, and at that point i'm not sure what i'll do. When i'm angry, I hurt people, or I break something. So I can only imagine what will happen if my mind snaps from repressed rage.
Another thing I do want to make clear. I apologize. "For what?" you may ask. This is to anyone reading or not reading this blog post, anyone who i've talked down to or made feel bad, or just plain was a douche to to bring their self-esteem down so I could feel better about myself. But I also apologize for doing it in the future as well. I realize it's wrong, but sometimes it slips and sometimes I don't even know i'm doing it.
Please if in any way I've done it to any of you on here, on Skype, or somewhere else. I want you to tell me in the comments, or in a PM either way. I will personally apologize for my actions.
I may not be a good person, but I try not to be a bad one either. I strive every day to be a better person than before, I take time out of my life to look at myself objectively, to think about what I've done in the past whether it be good or bad and just try to learn from experience.
I'm not using this as an excuse to be an asshole, I know i can be one from time to time, i know I can be really nice most of the time, and I know sometimes I can be just evil. I'm using this as an example, so people can understand why I am the way I am. I don't want help, because I don't need it. Because when the right time comes, I'm going to do something about it. I'm simply preparing. Whether it be to move out and cut ties, or to confront the tormentor.
On a side note, this might also explain why I rant about things so much now that I think about it...
Everyone's flawed in their own ways. You can't really please everyone and often times you might feel like you're wrong for opposing people you respect but the fact that you feel these feelings prove that being human isn't all black and white.
Hope you feel better in the coming days.
~The Watcher 509
You haven't done anything to me, that I can think of. But don't be shy if you want someone to talk to
They deserve no respect because they gave you 'life', you never asked for it. It's their role as parents to embody figures of righteousness that you father seems to fail.
Apologizing and just cringing away because 'your turn will come' is the exact way people who are bullied react to adversity, which you reacted by harming others that weren't those you cannot reach.
God has nothing to do with this, it's just that you're afraid of the consequences. The fact that you have to stand up for yourself because nobody will do accounts a lot here. Nobody, nor your parents or friends will really stand for you. So the first step is to be taken now to regain a bit of dignity, react, not with violence, but speak (with simple words, not harmful swears and painful punches).
And stop apologizing, it's like you've given up on changing things...