Gifting Sanity

So, I've been going to therapy for since the start of the year every week aside from two which I missed by my own mistake (forgot the appointment) and have been taking other steps in which to strengthen my mind and my own hold on my actions. This is something I've realized, that one of the greatest battles we have to have in our lives is the battle over control. The ability to command our bodies and our minds in such a way that it obeys without question. I'm starting to realize how much of a blessing it is to be able to have full control, as it's something I've been fighting for.

It was during spring break a month or so ago that I found just how hard it is to keep the control when your body is fighting against you. Stress from PTSD can lead to non-epileptic seizures, and I found myself confined to a chair, watching as a sort of observer as my body twitched and spasmed in a way that I couldn't really control. It wasn't as what you see on T.V., or do I think it's as bad as those who do have epilepsy, but all the same, by body was generating movement beyond my own control. Tipped with anxiety, I was living my own little Hell.

You know what's scary? I've had this my whole life, or really since Jr. High school. I remember having tremors there (which others said I was faking) and didn't think much of it. I grew up with these emotions, so I grew up believing they were normal, and that my lack of success was entirely my fault. There's not actually anybody there to tell you what you're feeling is wrong or other things of the like. It's tragic, because then depression and anxiety becomes learned behavior at that age, and is a disorder that's harder to fight.

That's why I needed therapy and friends. A control group that contrasts with what I've learned. Telling me which emotions I should chase and how to obtain a greater emotion and a will to live. As such, my effectiveness in life in general has increased, and so has my motivation.

Yet I still have this problem when I write. I look for distractions and find alternate things to do besides which does little for myself. Writing is a mental exercise which I greatly need at this point in my life right now. Writing gives me focus, and it gives me courage. I couldn't talk about my problems before, now I feel more liberated with every penstroke I make.

I also want to talk with you all more often. Please, communicate with me. Send me questions and messages. (Hash, I do thank you for replying to my last one). I like conversations, and it helps motivate me. Please don't be afraid of me. Talking is how I've survived. I've become quite good at it.

Some would say, I even make their lives a little easier.