T@D Review · 7:57pm Jan 26th, 2014
So I submitted this when I first published it.
I'm glad that they did this for me I will take their suggestions under consideration and re-write a few things. but they could have done all the chapters. I mean that is why I submitted this to them. It just seems lazy especially since my writing style got a lot better as this story went on. I am very grateful for this though I can use this to make it even better.
This story has been reviewed by the Equestrian Critics Society.
Story: Twilight at the Disco
6ix
Reviewer: Plebeian
Twilight at the Disco’s premise certainly holds both comedic and meaningful potential. The idea that Twilight and Discord could find a romantic spark is certainly far-fetched, and that’s precisely the ludicrous comedy 6ix plays on. It’s maddening, it’s psychotic, it’s intriguing, and it’s precisely the sort of idea that can stretch comedy out over an entire novel.
However, execution holds a few issues that keep this piece from reaching that golden potential. As always, first impressions are everything with readers, especially on such an enormous site like Fimfiction. The grammatical errors throughout the first chapter easily distract from the piece itself, and while its slapstick comedy can be effective, the author too often directly acknowledges his jokes. For this piece to reach its full potential, the author must proofread and revise what he has, keeping in mind that effective humor can stand on its own without authorial or character direction.
Score: 6/10
Full Review
While Twilight at the Disco has an effective premise, 6ix seems to focus a lot of his energy on developing favored scenes, while skimping on the space in between. The piece has a distracting amount of errors, and the author’s comedic approach almost negates the comedy itself. The author could give his scenes a bit more development, both environmentally and characteristically. While I am certain Twilight at the Disco has entertaining content, I have elected to focus my review on the first chapter, as they are stylistic issues that tend to span entire stories.
Firstly, this story needs a proofreader. The author’s structural and syntactical errors easily break the readers’ immersion and sometimes confuse his meaning. There are several run-on sentences such as “I’m sorry to hear that Seedling, your father is a tenacious stallion he has come to us with this issue every year.” The first chapter has a lot of unnecessary paragraph breaks. Remember, if the sentences are prose and are firmly related, it’s likely they belong together. The author also has a lot of trouble with possessives such as “Twilight eyes shot open.” At a few points, the author breaks his past tense with passages like “Discord stubborn expression softens a little as he rubbed the back of his head.” All of these errors are easy to spot, which means they will distract a lot of 6ix’s readers. Luckily, that also means they can be easily fixed. First impressions are everything, so I’d urge the author to get on those mistakes as soon as possible. For most of Fimfic, grammar decides whether or not the reader will read the entirety of a story.
While the piece has some effective scenes, the author is predisposed to tell them, rather than show them. A more thorough and sensory-based description of these scenes would serve two powerful purposes. The first is immersion; it’s important to provide the reader with as much imagery as possible, so that they’re not listening or even watching the joke. Part of effective comedy is making the reader feel like the events are just unfolding before them, even going so far as to make the reader a part of the joke. If the scenery is illuminated in full detail, the expressions of the characters described more thoroughly, it’s easier for the reader to imagine themselves as a participant, and not merely a spectator. The second purpose full description would serve is suspense. The author does attempt a bit of comedic suspense with the use of an ellipsis, such as in the passage, “Her heart started beating its way out of her chest, her face became flushed as her stomach filled with butterflies; she opened her mouth, and…screamed.” However, the ellipsis is meant for dialogue, not prose. The problem is that a few dots in a row do not actually slow down how fast a reader’s eyes move. The reader is held in suspense for about a tenth of a second before Twilight’s next action is revealed. If 6ix took a bit of time to describe the scene in full detail, however, he could keep his readers guessing for a few lines before finally presenting Twilight’s response. Keeping the readers waiting just long enough makes a lot of difference in comedy. For the sake of example, I’ll revise the passage to keep the reader waiting. “Twilight’s heart first skipped a beat, then doubled into a furious tempo. She felt color rush to her face, and her stomach was immediately filled with butterflies. A thousand thoughts ran through her head: the faint stench of the fur, the question of where exactly she had fallen asleep, the questionable position she had just cuddled her way into. However, all were discarded in exchange for an overwhelming mixture of raw fury and confusion, which caused Twilight to emit an ear-piercing, bone-shivering, blood-boiling shriek.” Now, I’m not saying the author should go full-on purple prose for every leadup, because that too gets monotonous. However, some added description brings every scene to life, and makes the comedy infinitely more inclusive.
Although this is always a shaky subject for the Alternate Universe tag, several characters aren’t very well portrayed. Discord having a serious side is certainly understandable, and adds some more intrigue as to where the story is headed. However, Celestia’s role in the story thus far has been solely to laugh at Discord’s antics, and Luna’s has been to stiffarm everything. Celestia’s light appreciation for small antics has been exaggerated, while her overall serious nature has been left in question. A bit of disapproval would be a familiar characteristic for the readers to latch on to, and it’d certainly allow for some interesting dialogue later in the story. Luna is cast in a rather harsh light, especially considering the soft and thoughtful personality the show has given her. While these characters may be considered part of the alternate universe, I’m more concerned about the fact that these exaggerations make them quite nearly flat, and seem to provide little to no effect on the story’s content. It can be easy to lose a character’s actual essence amidst the fandom’s interpretations, so I would suggest watching a few clips of dialogue from the show. Watch how the characters speak, how they move and react to other characters. It seems small, but it works miracles on problems like this.
Finally, the comedy aspect. What kept me from laughing my way through this fic was that the author did all the laughing for me. Yes, the scenes were amusing, but humor can be lost the moment an author acknowledges it, either with narration or the characters themselves. Not a joke went by that the story didn’t laugh at, whether it was Twilight and Discord breaking down after the ‘pecker’ joke, or the narrator overplaying his jokes all the way to their coffins. While it’s certainly natural for characters to laugh when something funny happens, these characters laughed it up, and laughed it out. The entire narration takes a pause for the characters to laugh, and then it starts all over again with the next joke. This is where we come to another axiom of comedy: rapid succession. While a novel-length story should not be a string of joke after joke, it could certainly help at some points, such as during the roller-skate scene, to keep the humor at such a steady flow that the reader has no time to recollect themselves. It’s a strategy many stand-up comedians employ that leaves the audience doubled over in hilarious agony. If a scene is ludicrous and unlikely, double the humor by portraying it as perfectly normal. If what’s happening is laughable, pretend it isn’t, for a moment. Additionally, make sure the prose and style fit the piece. Raw narration does not effectively promote humor. If a scene is cacophonous, mimic the cacophony with some percussive alliteration. If a character trips and falls, narrate it as if it’s an elegant dance all the way to the concrete. Add some wit in there edgewise. People who say puns aren’t funny haven’t heard the right ones. The best part about puns is that they’re either genuinely funny, or so awful that they’re funny anyway. Keep adding layer upon layer of humor, model style accordingly, and never laugh at your own jokes in writing.
While the story has promise, and the fandom has certainly pointed out that promise, the story needs a lot of work before that promise is fully realized. Once again, the author needs to make sure his style is enhancing his humor, not flanking it.
Score: 6/10
Again, if you need help with grammar, I'm happy to help. Just putting that out there.
1761979 if you want to tackle it you're more than welcome
1762016 Okay. Google Docs?
1762024 sure ill send you the link
1762026 okay
I can understand the reviewers points but none of them bothered or stopped me from reading it.....
Sure I noticed some grammar mistakes, but I know I'd probably make even more and most of them were just minor and none of them made the story not understandable :D
The characters of luna and celestia could be just as you write them. We know how Celestia acts in public but that dosen't say she acts that way normally too xD And her retirering and actng like that afterwards is a perfect explanation.
And I think luna comes very close to the shows Luna .
And I think the comedy is hlarious :D it always makes mel augh nomatter how bad my mood is xD
That the characters laugh too, makes it even more funny IMO ....
I, as a grammar Nazi, get distracted quite easily if a ton of errors are made. I kind of agree with that guy (or chick) on needing a new proofreader. I know you've said your proofreader good, but good proofreaders tend to catch when you don't capitalize a name. Or put then instead of they. Or when you switch to past tense and I have to do a double take on what I just read. Or when you use the wrong 'your'. Or the most annoying of all, (to me anyway) putting the wrong 'their'. How am I supposed to know what the're talking about over there when I can't understand what their saying?
If you need help with grammar, I'm usually at the computer doing nothing relevant, and nine times out of ten will help you on a moment's notice. All you have to do is ask!