Stress · 8:33am Jan 6th, 2014
Wow. 72 followers. That's quite the number. Of course, I have a few of those people that follow everyone and don't give a damn about my writing. If I could, I would block people like that. A follower count is a sign of how good your writing is, how much you're improving, how many people enjoy what you offer. These people give false hope. I love the feeling of logging on to FiMfic and seeing a new follower. But I go check what they've read of mine (I like to know what my followers liked from me) and then I see they don't read anything of mine... it doesn't make me happy.
But that's for another time. Not all of my followers read this, and those people don't either. This is for those of you that truly appreciate my writing and blogs. And, as the title implies, I'm stressed as all hell.
Being stressed is something I don't admit easily; I like to keep up the appearance of a care-free high school student doing good in his life and having a blast simply being alive. And... if I can forget my stress, that's true. Around my friends, I can leave my worries behind and just have fun being alive, because hell, I'll only be this person once, after that I die and am someone new. Maybe a cat, maybe a rat, maybe a girl. Gah, getting into my personal after-death beliefs now so I'm gonna steer away from that now.
Sitting here at 12:44 in the morning the stress wreaks havoc on my mind. As some of you may know, and as I just mentioned, I'm in highscool. Grade 11 to be exact. A lot of you have probably already been there and moved on, but you'll also know how stressful it can be. At the moment I'm failing one of my core classes. No one but me (and now.. I guess you) knows about this. But why should they? this is something I have to deal with, and nothing my parents can do will help.
Oh, before this goes too far, I should probably say there's gonna be a lot of stuff about me and my personal problems in here and nothing pertaining to my stories. You're allowed to leave if that's all you care about.
If you actually care about me my life and troubles for some reason, read on.
Now, I've never been a straight A student. I have the capacity to be one, but I'm too damn lazy. Not doing projects until the night before and sometimes not doing them at all. I test well, though (never gotten blow 75% in my worst subject. My good subjects I don't drop below 85% most of the time.) which is all that really matters in high school. Unfortunately, in English, I have to do projects still. I don't do projects well. I don't do them at all most of the time. Hence the reason I'm failing. Now, those of you in highschool know the semester is ending soon, and I don't have much time to fix this. Well... I honestly think I can fix my English mark. I'm missing two quizzes, two essays, and a creative assignment (god I hate those). I can get the quizzes and one of the essays done. Then, of course, my finals are worth 30% of my mark. I'm not worried about ending with a failing grade. Okay, I am, but I don't think I will.
Of course, having a father and step mother who, when I tell them I have an exam coming up, constantly tell me they want 100% on it and a mother who can't tell how much stress her own child is under (am I just that good at hiding it?) doesn't help me at all. Wow that's personal.... moving on before I chicken out and edit that out.
I don't know where I was going with this... oh right, I'm stressed. Now, I have my two options as well, Journalism (which I took on a whim because I needed another option) and Multimedia (more specifically, animation). My multimedia is doing fine, except the final project. Basically I get one credit per module for that course, and I've done fine on all of them... except the final animation. I was away from school a lot before the winter break, and I don't have the resources at home to work on it. I'm gonna be spending a lot of time after school in that room working on it if I want to get that credit.
Journalism is... my articles for the school newspaper were supposed to be done November, and I'm still not done them. I need quotes and can't find anyone to interview. If I have to I'll make something up....
Math is... math. My best subject, even if it's my most hated. I missed a full week before the break. I have no idea what's going on. Alberta has one of the most advanced math courses in all of Canada, and missing a single day sets me so far back it's not even funny. I missed a week. Probably a test as well. I have two weeks to catch up before finals start. That's gonna be hell.
Aside from all that... well that's what's stressing me out. The contest I'm in here on FiMfic is nothing; I love doing that, but I absolutely detest school. Our education system is so screwed it's not even funny.
Oh, and my parents are constantly asking me what I want to do after school, to which I shrug my shoulders. I don't know. hopefully get a job and make some good money. Start a career. In what i don't even know. They always say to find a career in something you enjoy, but that's hard for me. (Things I enjoy; physics, psychology, astronomy, chemistry, animation, video editing, sound editing, writing, and a few others.) and I can't pick one, and I can't pick them all. Not to mention most of those require more work then I'm willing to put into school and more money then I will ever be able to afford. My parents do not help my stress levels at all. Doesn't help that genetically I'm predisposed to stress either (my mother is prone to panic attacks).
So many red lines... I don't wanna edit this....
School's tough. I'm just glad I'm the social outcast so I don't have to worry about anything like that. All I have is a few friends and the odd person that I have only one class with.
I don't know what I'm going to do about anything anymore. It's just all so stressful... Writing is really the only thing the means anything to me anymore. It's the only thing that I can really just relax and do. It's the only thing that feels rewarding in my life anymore. It's actually what I was doing before making this blog, trying to relax enough to sleep.
Oh, I should probably explain the reason this blog is coming out now is because I go back to school tomorrow... err, today. I have to get up at 6:30 AM, catch a bus, and walk into my own personal hell. And I'm already up too late so I'm gonna be sleeping through my first couple classes. God I don't even know..... I just... honestly I'm scared to walk into class tomorrow. It's gone to the point where I don't feel like I can do anything about any of it. I mean, stay after school, write my test, do some extra math homework at home, stay after school the rest of the week and finish my animation. Stay up tonight and finish those news articles. Make up quotes if I have to.
Writing it all out like this has calmed me down some but I'm not gonna get much sleep tonight.
Normally I'm a pretty laid back guy. It takes a lot to get me stressed to the point I can't fall asleep.
Of course I have to put a lot of work into all of that, but I'm naturally a very lazy person, and I don't want to do any of it. I put the effort into writing because it feels rewarding. I like doing things that honestly feel rewarding; school is not one of those things. What do I get out of school? An education I could have gotten through a couple google searches? A piece of paper that says I'm smart enough to have a job that's better than flipping hamburgers at a McDonald's? That's all it is, really. Unless you're going to college and university and getting a high-up job, most of the stuff you learn in highschool is truly pointless. Most people forget it within a year of getting out.
it's 1:17 AM now, and I've edited this blog. I want to say more, but I don't have anything left. I want to keep typing and forget about the day looming over my head. I want to leave it all behind and have nothing to do but write, because it's what I love to do. it's what I want to do. it feels rewarding. it give my life a purpose. Making the readers of my fics happy is all I need to die a happy death, honestly. I have no aspirations anymore, no drive to succeed in anything. If I get a fic featured on this sight then I can die happy. I don't care about anything else anymore. Writing has become my life. Writing... anything, really. I focus on pony fics but I do write other stuff. I don't post it anywhere, but I do write. I show it to my editor and he likes it and that makes me happy.
I'm never happier then when I I have a bunch of new favorites and positive comments, and even critical reviews of my work, it all makes me feel lie i'm actually worth something, a feeling that has long since been sapped from my life. I'm a single student in classes of 25 or more. My school identifies me as a number. In any job I get I'll be nothing but another employee. What will I be? What would I be if it weren't for my writing?
Honestly? I think that, had I not found writing, 2013 would have been the year I killed myself. In 2012 I was seriously depressed and thinking about it, but, just as 2013 rolled around, I met my editor. He and I have become good friends and he encouraged me to write and post it. So I did. And I got fans. I got followers. I mean... you guys... you gave me a reason to live. I have a purpose now; making you all happy. Giving you enjoyment out of my writing. Truly, if it weren't for this site and the many amazing people on it, I'd have killed myself, and I would not have regretted it. I don't now how I know that.... but I just know. It's just a feeling I have now.
I've been trying to thank my editor for this for a long time. I've never been able to.
I'm sill stressed and worried about the day I have ahead of me... but... I'll push through it. Because I know that at the end of the day I'll come home, toss of my bag, forget all about the hell I was forced to sit through for hours, and write some my little pony romance fan fiction for all of you to enjoy. I get myself through he day thinking about ideas for more stories. I keep myself moving because I know if I die my fics will never be finished and I'll leave all of you without their endings, something I promised in a recent blog I would never do. In that blog I... indirectly promised I wouldn't kill myself. At leas until the stories are done. but by then... I'd have written more stories. It'll be a cycle that will keep me alive. At the very least until I can find another reason to live.
This has taken a really depressing turn and I almost started crying writing some of that. I'm done typing, now. I have to face tomorrow. Time won't stop because I'm typing, I'll just end up typing all night.
To all of you who read it all... now you know. You know it all. You know more then anyone in my life. So I leave you with one final request; enjoy my stories. Enjoy what I write, because if I don't have that... I have nothing.
I'll be one for the next hour or so. If you want to ask me anything... I'll be here.
Until next time,
Kodeake Out
For people who don't read any of you stories, just ignore them. It cant be too hard, now is it? And if im one of those people because I only read one story, then im sorry, I probably didn't find time for them.
For being stressed... ok, how about i put it that way: Grass grow, bird flies, sun shine, and students are stressed the f*** out of their mind because of everything happening. Im also stressed about school because i was suppose to have a math exam just before Christmas vacation (The one who thought about that deserve a high five in the face from a chair) but sadly i was sick, so i missed it. And now i have to retake it on the day i come back: tomorrow. It doesn't help that I already suck at math, i probably already forgot everything important.
Thats not to say im more stressed out than you. Since I am only in secondary 2nd, the prospect of a job is much more far away and i don't have to do about fifty six quadrillion thing for school. Without wanting to sound like a dictator (or else my cover would be blown), maybe try and consult a psychologist? Or at least talk to somebody the least bit qualified.
One last thing: Keep posting blogs like this. This way, you'll know that your followers... i mean stalkers, do know your motivations and do care about whatever is in your head.
1689173
This blog did not have the voice I wanted it to have. Being written so early in the morning and right before all of that which I was stressed about I may have come off wrong in what I was trying to say. I know every student is stressed (something that really shouldn't be happening if the education system wasn't a piece of shit) and I didn't mean to make it sound like I was more so than others. I know you didn't say that but.... just making sure everyone knows.
As to talking to someone "qualified"... I don't know. My version of a psychologist right now is these blogs; I feel better after just typing them, and getting a comment (like yours) makes it even better. If it does get to the point where I'm having a lot of problems from my depression, I might look into it, but until then I'm happy to keep blogging about my personal life and all the shit that's going on for me.
And as long as I have things to say and people like you following me, I think these blogs are gonna keep coming when something gets bad for me.
Thanks for the comment.