Couple Quick Things · 7:12am Dec 9th, 2013
Hey people, I'm back for a late-night Sunday blog, so I'm gonna be rambling a bit. But that's for later, and it's gonn abe kinda depressing since thats the mood I'm in right now. But first thing's first;
New chapter of Under Our Wing is delayed. I'm not sure how long; could be a day, could be a week. School's picked up rapidly and I haven't had much time to write as of late, and with Christmas right around the corner I'm gonna be pretty busy. Next, I was recently given a Hearthstone closed-beta key. Like, three days ago. I'm addicted like you wouldn't believe. I grew up with Yu-Gi-Oh, and Hearthstone feeds that addiction perfectly. I highly recommend it to anyone who likes those kinds of games. The matches are fast and positively riveting, right to the end. (Just a few hours ago I was playing a mach. I had 5 health left, by opponent had 28. By the time it was over, I had one, he had zero). So that's exciting and is gonna be the number 1 source of my lazy procrastination for a while.
One last thing; because only one person voted (again) that person is the winner, meaning the first fic I rewrite will be What Makes Us SPecial (unless there's a sudden influx of votes for other stories in the next two days, which I doubt will happen). So now that that's over, the promised depressing blog.
You're allowed to leave now if you don't wanna read it; I won't be offended.
You still here?
Brace yourself.
I recently (it's open in another tab) found a new song. Its title is Make it Stop by Rise Against. (Yes, it's a blog about that. Wanna leave now?)
I love some of Rise Against's music, and I'm shocked I've never found this song until now. This subject... it hits very deeply for me. I've always been the geeky nerd (those are not synonyms. don't even think that) so schools always been rough. And, to add to that, I have very strong opinions and beliefs when it comes to homosexuality, so I got it for that too. While I myself am not gay, I have known people who are, and I know a few who are bisexual. I've always been the guy to stand up for people, so it was... interesting for me when I hit grade 7. Throughout junior high, the most offensive insult that could ever be muttered, the type of insult reserved for only the person you despise the most, was to call them gay. It made me angry, because I could imagine how they felt, having lived through the same type of bullying.
Before I continue, a bit of back story for my own personal experience with this kind of thing. (it's not too late, you can still leave if you want to). My bullies found it very difficult to effect me after a certain amount of time. I grew very cold for a great number of years, and so what they did didn't seam to effect me (it did, of course, they just didn't see it) so they turned to other methods. Now, when I was younger (much younger) I played soccer. It was my favorite sport. I played on teams for 5 years, and every other chance I got. But when they decided they needed to do something to me the affected me, they found out how much I liked soccer. But of course, the mental pain no longer showed. Instead of giving up, they turned to physical pain. They'd get one of them to restrain me, while the other three kicked soccer balls at me as hard as they could. Every. Single. Day. Of course, the verbal didn't stop, the physical was just layered on top. Every day I went out during lunch in elementary school to play soccer with a few of my friends, and they beat the crap outta me with the sport I'd loved for such a long time. Sometimes I still cringe when I see a soccer ball. Eventually, my friends learned, and through some sick twist of fate, joined them.
I have never played soccer again.
The four main guys (I can still remember their names and faces) terrified me. Nowhere was safe for me. I saw them one time and turned and ran. Face first into a pole. When a teacher came over and asked if I was okay and what happened, I told her we were playing tag and I didn't see the pole. These four guys had me that scared. And that was just elementary. High school got worse. My school's motto was something about anti-bullying. They were always flaunting the fact that they had a "bully-free environment". It was a load of shit. They didn't have bullies because they didn't acknowledge them. They were never punished short of a forced, sarcastic "apology" and we were sent on our merry way. Only for it to happen again. And again. And again. They ran the school more then the teachers. It was like in one of those cartoons where everyone makes a path down the hall for the one big guy and his lackeys. Only it was real life. And, the geeky nerd I was, I was their prime target.
In class, out of class, lunch, before/after school, it didn't matter.
Oh yeah, and I got the same from my step-brother. He once held a knife to my throat because I wouldn't do his chores for him when I was visiting my dad. (As a side note, we've made up and are now very close with each other).
Eventually I grew a very high pain tolerance, so that not even that pain would show. Only then, only when they had run out of ways to get a reaction, did they stop. And I still lived in fear of them. Now I'm in high school, and I don't show anything anymore. No one knows about some of the things I've just typed. There is only one other person I've told, and only after he told me his story.
After all of that, I don't show anything anymore. I can be a very angry person at times, but thankfully not always. I can also be very depressed, but not always. I got a mix of the two, but I know people who only got one, and are that all the time.
Oh yeah, and the motto "it gets better" has always bugged me. It really doesn't. They don't get better and it doesn't stop, not really. What happens is you get better. You grow to ignore them, to deal with it. People who've had to deal with this kind of thing are better then those who haven't, in my opinion. But that's just an opinion.
I think I'm about done now. To any of you still here... now you know my story. Maybe this is why I was so welcoming of ponies, and maybe it's why I got into romance fanficiton. Who knows. I don't remember where I started, so it's a good rapping up point to this rambling. My advice to anyone who's suffered like this; talk about it. Talking is very therapeutic. Even to a wall, or yourself in a mirror, or like I've done; on the internet (completely anonymous of course). Just something so that it's out.
And to Matt, Braydon, Brendon, and Colton... eat it; I turned out just fine even after what you guys did to me.
You guys have no idea how hard it is to hit that post button... all of this being released to the public, and not knowing the reaction you'll get (it is the internet) is hard. But I trust you guys. I trust the followers I've gained enough to give them this information. Make of it what you will, those of you who've read it all to the very end.
Until the next update,
Kodeake out
While I can't relate to the bullying, I feel I can relate to. "After all of that, I don't show anything anymore. I can be a very angry person at times, but thankfully not always. I can also be very depressed, but not always."
as well as. " I grew very cold for a great number of years"
from a very early age i struggled with a tug of war between emotions and medications. Being OCD ADD ADHD and Bipolar with mental psychosis, I always felt like there were so many feelings inside me that i couldn't figure out, nor did i want to. i was a kid, it was scary to know what the adults felt like,
after i grew up a bit, and out of most of my ocd, that just left my other crazy. and i put up with it, until it started getting me into trouble.
after a bit too much trouble (my obsessiveness coupled with ADD meant i couldn't hold onto my first relationship), i just said "enough......i'm done with this". and from sixteen to eighteen i, for lack of a better way of putting it, forced myself to stop "feeling"
i stopped saying "i love you too" to my family, which broke my grandmother's heart as well as my mother's.
i started calling everyone but my absolute closest friends by their first names.
i just stopped caring about stuff...my birthday was a chore rather than a celebration.
i let myself turn into a bitter old man at the age of sixteen through eighteen. (i litterally had grey hairs for a while)
now i'm 19. and thanks to this fandom and it's many fics (your's included Kodeake). i have, again for a lack of a better way to word it, started to turn my emotions back on....(i don't know what else to put here.....)
you shared your story with us......i wanted to do the same
(i know my comment seems a bit rushed.. or at least it does to me..and that's because it is. i struggle to maintain a train of thought for more than a few minutes sometimes, and especially when it comes to memory, my past specifically. i tend to make false memories and often can't tell the fakes from the real ones, so when typing the above stuff, i had to struggle to concentrate on memories long enough to figure out if they're real, and then keep them in my head long enough to type them out)
1588883
Whoa... That's... quite the combination you got goin' there..
Seriously though, thanks for this. I was honestly afraid to log on to fimfic this morning for fear of the kind of response I would get to this blog. This comment has made me feel a lot better about it.
And the fandom had done much the same for me. There was actually a time where I was debating killing myself (almost wrote the note) and that was just before I found this fandom. After that... then I met Snowfrost (my editor). He doesn't know this but... he's probably one of the biggest reasons I'm still alive today. In a time where I felt I had nothing and no one, he came along. I'm forever grateful to him for that.
This line means a lot to me. The my fcs have helped someone, especially in something like this... it's an incredible feeling. Thank you.
Thank you for taking the time to respond and share your story. Rushed or not, you took the time and wrote it out. It takes great strength to do that.
Thank you.
1589138 you're absolute most welcome ^ _ ^
(WOO first, that i can remember, time using an emote)
i'm glad i could help lift your spirits