Skype entertainment · 7:34am Nov 26th, 2013

TwiDash chat on Skype is really the best thing out there.

"Deaerest Twahlaght,
Y'all have ther purtiest dang patootie Ah have ever laid mah durned ahes awn. Y'all make mah wetter 'n a snake in a frog's bog.
Sinsurly,
yer fyuchure love,
Applejack."
[12:35:47 AM] Jake: "Dear Applejack,
I do believe I have the vapors. I need some country-fried pussy, m'dear. Please oblige.
Sincerely,
Twilight Sparkle MD"
[12:36:50 AM] Peroth E.: "Um... dear Twilight...
I... um... I... um... uh...
that is...
uh... um... Twilight.... I-.... err...
L-Lo- with car- sincerel- with regar- hi,
Fluttershy."
[12:37:44 AM] Jake: "Dear Fluttershy,
Ugh, you're so goddamn annoying. Go bother someone else. Maybe Dash'll pop you or something, I dunno.
With regard,
Princess Twilight Sparkle, Esq"
[12:38:12 AM] Peroth E.: Meanwhile, Fluttershy is masturbating furiously to the letter because the abuse makes her drip like a faucet.
[12:38:46 AM] Jake: Well, that's nice.
[12:39:06 AM] Peroth E.: "NNNNG YES TWILIGHT CALL ME A DIRTY WHORE"
[12:40:43 AM] Peroth E.: "Dearest Princess Twilight Sparkle,
I, your beloved friend and future fashion magnifique, Rarity, would greatly appreciate your hoof in beginning a refined, romantic relationship. Poetry and artwork would be done in the name of our romantic, fairy tail wedding.
Your dearest love, closest companion, greatest friend, and future wife,
Rarity."
[12:43:11 AM] Jake: "Dear Rarity,
Okay… ew. I dunno how to put this lightly, but you are a nasty-ass hoe, Rarity. You're like a bowling ball. You get fingered and tossed in the gutter 20 times a night. God knows how many diseases you picked up along the way. For God's sake, you tried to fuck that poof Blueblood, that's how low your standards are.
Maybe that hippy Sluttercry is DTF, but not me.
With love,
Lord Twilightus of Sparkletopia MD"
[12:43:58 AM] Thomas Hall(Brony Eagle Scout): These are fucking hilarious!
[12:44:45 AM] Peroth E.: "Yo, Twilight,
It's Dash. I'm super drunk, and super bored. I need to fuck SOMETHING before my cunt lights on fire. Get your grape ass up here and let's party.
Fuck me blind,
Rainbow Dash."
[12:45:41 AM] Jake: "Dear Dash,
Meh, okay.
Sincerely,
Her Holiness, Twifight Sparkill V"
[12:45:46 AM] SolidFire: YES
[12:47:53 AM] Cynical: "Dear Starbutt,
You are required at the castle for important business with myself, Sunbutt and Moonbutt.
Come quickly
Lovebutt."
[12:48:21 AM] SolidFire: Ohmai
[12:48:25 AM] Peroth E.: The next letter recieved is covered in a mixture of cake frosting and sprinkles.
"Dear Twi( )
( ) hungry! I wan( ) pickle-barr( ) ripped-off ( ) down the drai( ) gay as FU( ). And I th( ) Mr. Cake ( ) his face was COVERED in( ) Big Macintosh was( ) don't tell Mrs. Cake( ) also I'( ) please?
Lots of love,
( ) Pie."
[12:49:45 AM] Jake: "Dear Pinkie,
I got your letter, but I ated it.
It tasted like paper and sprinkles.
Fucking ace, man.
Later,
T to the W to the I to the..."
[12:51:26 AM] bats: Great thing to return from smoking to read, or the BEST thing?
[12:51:38 AM] Peroth E.: "Hey Twilight,
Since you're out so much I thought I'd just leave this by your nightstand so you'd get it.
I have to ask, are you hitting Trixie's stash? You're saying weird things. Also, why do your friends keep sending you letters? If they want your royal vag, they just need to come ask, seriously, I'll drop a few sleeping pills in your glass and start making some actual money.
Also, will you please stop changing your name? It's hard to keep up with.
Your faithful assistant,
Spike."
[12:54:50 AM] Jake: "Dear Spike,
I don't need drugs. I'm high on /life/, motherfucker!
Also, yeah, everyone wants my Prominent Purple Princess Pony Pussy™, but it's not like I'm gonna trick it out like I'm that hoe Rarity. I got standards, bitch.
And… what name changes?
Sincerely,
Cult of TWAAAAAAAAAIIIII"
[12:57:20 AM] SolidFire: These are too damn funny.
[12:57:29 AM] bats: ...I'd change the convo pic, but I like the current one
[12:57:41 AM] SolidFire: Ponytail Dash is hawt Dash
[12:58:03 AM] Peroth E.: "Dear Twilight Sparkle,
It has come to our attention you have tried to trademark the phrase "Prominent Purple Princess Pony Pussy". We would like to inform you that that that name has already been trademarked under our company's name by Canterlot law.
The P-5 is a hot seller to young cults who have aspirations of making on our esteemed princess, Twilight Sparkle. However, we are willing to work out a deal.
If you come and allow us to model our next model around your rump and genitals, I'm sure we can come to some sort of compromise.
With regards,
Early Finish."
[12:59:33 AM] bats: ...Early Finish is the best name for a pony working for a company like that
[12:59:44 AM] Jake: "Dear Bitches,
I've. Got. Me. An. Army.
Do not test me, I am /so/ far gone off the deep end, it's not fucking funny.
With love,
Princess of Dat Pussay, Twilight Sparkle."
[1:03:25 AM] Peroth E.: "Dear Princess Twilight,
I had a magnificent dream about you last night. We pranced through a field of flowers to a picnic set up for two. We showered honeyed-wine on each other and then quietly rutted in the fields.
In my dreams, your virgin fields were as soft and warm as a summer wind. I would do anything to know if my fantasies are true.
Please, we must meet.
With sincere love,
Prince Blueblood.
Hah! That entitled nerd will definitely fall for this, Chalice. I'll hump her stupid and live like a king while the staff handles the brats she pops out.
Beau, send the letter.
Stop writing!
Wait, what did you write? No, don't send-"
[1:05:47 AM] Jake: "Dear Blueblood,
Um… you're a fucking poof.
Flame on,
"Twilight of the Ice Nymphs" Sparkle
[1:06:17 AM] Peroth E.: Meanwhile, Blueblood has no idea what a poof is, and is driving himself INSANE with how insulted he is.
[1:07:43 AM] Peroth E.: "Dear Twilight,
I get this weird feeling whenever I see you, like a bunch of bats in my stomach. It's really weird, but I like it, I get all warm and tickly between my legs!
My friends are getting suspicious by how much I want to go to the library, but I just want to see you all the time! Can you tell me what's going on?
Scootaloo."
[1:09:46 AM | Edited 1:09:55 AM] Jake: "Dear Scootaloo,
It's quite alright, my child. I will explain everything…
You are horribly evil and dirty. Whatever's going on in your loins is witchcraft, and you need to fix it by bathing in bleach. Even then, though, you will never wash away the sin.
Stay the fuck away from me.
Also, stop asking me and Dash to be your moms. That's fucking gay as hell, and you should feel stupid.
Love,
Twi"
[1:10:42 AM] I Love Ponys: Ha!
[1:10:52 AM] SolidFire: This is too good
[1:12:55 AM] Peroth E.: "Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,
Since you have lived here in Ponyville with us common folk, I was hoping you would better understand the plight I have.
The class divide between the rich, Canterlot nobles and the simple folk at the foot of the mountain means that our voices rarely ever get heard. We send letters, make statements, and our politicians promise to make changes but our word never reaches the higher reaches of the Canterlot royal court.
While I do not begrudge you for your race, I often feel oppressed for not possessing a horn and sometimes wonder if I'd be taken more seriously were I capable of magic. Since you are the princess of a modern time, of a modern town, of the modern pony, I was hoping you could correct these mistakes in your future endeavors.
From a concerned citizen,
Jam Jars the Jam Pony."
[1:15:18 AM] Jake: "Dear Mudpony,
Wait, what? Sorry, I couldn't hear you. I was busy counting the money I have from controlling the banks with the jewnicorns. You were saying?
Sincerely,
Twilight Sparkstein"
[1:16:29 AM] bats: oi
[1:16:41 AM] bats: *oy
[1:16:45 AM] bats: *oy vey
[1:16:48 AM] bats: :P
[1:17:07 AM] Jake: Gah, bats, are you gonna say that /every time/ something Jewish comes up?
[1:17:11 AM] Jake: ;)
[1:17:16 AM] bats: pfft
[1:17:24 AM] Peroth E.: "Dear Princess Twilight,
I touch myself to thoughts of you at night.
Applejack thinks it's weird when I call your name out in bed, but sometimes I just get bored of her.
I don't know why I'm sending you this, apparently everypony is sending you letters, but I just thought you should know I want to lick the cutie marks off your flanks.
Just sayin',
Big Macintosh."
[1:17:50 AM] SolidFire: This is... this is such good entertainment
[1:19:03 AM] bats: This is awesome and all, but I should probably try to sleep before fambly crap in the morning.
(TMI read-between-the-lines: I've been writing erotica for a few hours, and I need to jerk off then crash)
[1:19:15 AM] Peroth E.: Enjoy!
[1:19:21 AM] Peroth E.: Remember bats
[1:19:24 AM] bats: I shall
[1:19:26 AM] Peroth E.: I'm here to service.
[1:19:33 AM] bats: ;)
[1:20:12 AM] Jake: "Dear Big Macdonalds,
I'd like to appeal to your policy of selling the McRib and Shamrock Shake at different limited time offers. I feel that you are depriving me of a foodgasm the likes of which carry no precedence.
Do something about this, or the bombs drop.
K later,
Princess Twilight"
[1:21:01 AM] SolidFire: Fuck sleep, this is better
[1:21:28 AM] SolidFire: Would you guys care if I put this in a blog post?
[1:21:50 AM] Jake: You have my approval.
[1:23:37 AM] Peroth E.: "Dear my beloved student,
I cannot tell you how sorry I am that this happened! I happened to write Spike's mailfire address on a bathroom wall while I was drunk and getting railed by your hunk of a brother.
I really did not mean to, and I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to put your address up I mean, I totally meant to fuck your brother. That boy is a HUNK. With you out of the castle, I literally have no other reason to wake up and raise the sun other than get wrecked by your baby-sitter's husband.
Seriously, I'm writing this while blowing hi( )
Don't mind the stain.
Plenty of love,
Princess Celestia and Shining Armor."
[1:23:57 AM] Peroth E.: Go ahead.
[1:24:35 AM] SolidFire: Many thanks you two.
[1:25:49 AM] Jake: "Dear Celestia,
Just tell me straight up… is he huge?
I just… I gotta fuckin' know, man.
Your hot 'n bothered colleague,
Twilight Farkle"
[1:26:45 AM] Peroth E.: "Dear Twilight,
Thank goodness for magic, or he would have straightened out my large intestine by now.
Love,
Your stuffed Princess."
[1:29:21 AM] Jake: "Dear Shiny,
Hey, big brother!
Listen, I know it's been a while, but I think it's time I shared some quality time with my BB…ugh, fuck, how does that shit go again?
Eh, it doesn't matter. I need to see you, Shining Armor. Don't… actually, fuck it, bring Cadance, she needs to be there to watch.
I'll explain when you get here.
Your spunky sister,
Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1…kle"

And, oh so recently...

Dear Princess Twilight,
My coltfriend of six months and I finally have our own little place together. There's one problem, though. He keeps leaving expired food in the refrigerator without cleaning it out. I don't want to be harsh with him, but at the same time, he doesn't really respond well to subtle hints or anything of that nature. How can I tell him to clean out the fridge without making him feel on the defensive?
Signed,
Conflicted in Canterlot.
[1:12:48 AM] Peroth E.: Dear Cuntflicted,
Okay, I reeeaaallly want to apologize if I mess this up but I think Pinkie slipped me something while I was on the shitter, so bear with me. Now, first off, a coltfriend? Lame. Go get yourself a mare. As much as I love having a giant, fleshy, baby-spitting worm shoved up to my tits, a girl knows how to munch the rug, and at the end of a long day, when you're tired and sore, what would you rather have: Flesh-Pillar the Destroyer of Silky the Snuggle Worm up in your vag?
Oh right, the fridge. Who cares? Toss it in a stew or something, I don't know how to cook. If it's really bugging you, don't wash for a couple weeks and ask him if he wants to eat you up. Maybe that'll do it. If not, throw stuff. I don't know, the bitches I date clean up after themselves because they aren't slobs.
Sincerely yours,
Twilight Sparkle
[1:15:41 AM] Jake: Dear Princess Twilight,
My son is getting at that precocious age where he's asking a lot of questions about [you know what]. Now, I don't consider myself a prude, or anything, but I'll admit, it does leave me skittish to think I have to do it, even though it is a stallion's job. How can I build the confidence to tell my son the whole truth so he doesn't get the wrong idea on the schoolyard?
Sincerely,
Anxious in Appleloosa
[1:20:23 AM | Edited 1:20:39 AM] Peroth E.: Dear Ankle-shits,
Look, we were all foals once, and we all grew out of it the exact same way: we get dragged to a party once, we drink a bit too much of the spiked punch, and next thing you know, penis-spells are a thing and half the mares in Canterlot are suddenly making moon-eyes at you. You remember the baby-boom of Canterlot High?
That wasn't me.
But if you want to be all tell don't show and make it boring for the kid, throw him a book. Kids love books. I loved book at least. It's how I learned about paternity tests and alimonies. And if you're some huge prude and use words like "bajingo", for the love of Celestia, get off your high-horse - I apologize in advance if you are a horse - and learn the proper Equestrian language.
Sincerely yours,
Twilight Sparkle.
[1:25:01 AM | Edited 1:25:43 AM] Jake: Deer Princis Twahlaght,
Mah brother is so clearly gay, but he don' wanna admit it none, 'cuz he thinks we're homophobic'er some shit. It's horseshit, but still, we talk lahk a buncha hicks, so Ah guess Ah can't blame'im. So anyway, how can Ah get his faggety-ass to come out of the clawset without actually confrontin' him, like a cunt?
Sinsurly,
Proddin' in Ponayville
[1:30:45 AM | Edited 1:31:12 AM] Peroth E.: Dear You,
I am so mad at you right now. So, SO mad. I had to take this to a Canterlot incryption expert on the off chance this was a painstakingly crafted cry for help, and he thought I was getting mail from Tartarus.
They don't have mail in Tartarus! Old Scratch himself took one look and sneered like I spit in his taco. Eventually, I broke down and took it to one of my friend's little sisters and she apparently knows the language! Friggin' Luna on a moon bounce, of all people it's that useless twat who keeps tearing up my flower garden looking for treasure/gardening/catching worms/whatever the heck she thinks will get her tramp stamp.
Anyways, translated from whatthebuck to Equestrian - which we offer free classes for at the Elementary school, by the way - I'll just say this: let him do it on his own. One day you'll find him balls deep up the ass of another colt, or if you're real lucky, you'll get to walk in on your brother simpering like a bitch as his coltfriend pounds his flanks red. You can have a long, awkward talk over alcohol later and tell him about how you always knew then.
Sincerely yours,
Twilight Sparkle.
PS: Seriously, the classes are free, and judging by your spelling, you're at least in the right age group mentally to join. I'll let Cheerilee know you're coming.
[1:36:18 AM] Web of Hope: ...so this skit you two are running is gonna be put up as a story, right? :D
[1:36:25 AM] Cryosite: wut
[1:37:51 AM | Edited 1:38:28 AM] Jake: Dear Princess Twilight,
My wife and I usually agree on pretty much all important decisions, but this one really has us in a doozy. My wife thinks we should take in her elderly parents and look after them, while I feel like we have neither the time, space, or resources to take on the responsibility. I know she means well and wants what's best for her parents, but I feel like she's not thinking practically. How do I get her to see things from where I'm sitting?
Sincerely,
Fighting in Fillydelphia
[1:43:48 AM] Peroth E.: Dear Alliterative Name,
I don't know, have you tried giving her your chair?
HAHAHAHAHA oh Celestia I'm so witty. I need to write that one down. Wait, I just did, but elsewhere. Where would you write it down to remember it for later? I don't keep journals and all my stuff ends up at Celestia's sooner or later. I'll look into it for later. Maybe some kind of idea-keeper-reminder you keep on a fridge, or a spell that makes it always show up in the right context.
That last one sounds like a better idea, then I wouldn't even have to say it. Think about it, all that effort saved by pouring mountains of effort to instantaneously say the right thing in the proper moment. Man, I could stop wasting my jaw strength on saying hi to everypony in the morning!
Okay okay, I've pat my back on this enough already, but seriously, I think it's an awesome idea.
Now, we all know parents are the lamest. My mom and dad were supportive, but they're old fuddy-duddies now too, but something to keep in mind is that we're all going to get to that age too. Well, maybe not me, Princesshood might come with immortality, Celestia's been avoiding that question, especially when it comes to my friends, she just kept admiring these five weird statues she put in the garden with years set like, fifty years later printed on them. That's neither here nor there. What you should do is take them in, but only for a little while. Give them some hope. Then start asking them to do chores, little by little, while you're gone. BOOM, instant maids, instant chefs, all in one. You can save all that energy doing housework by dumping it on the elderly. It'll give you the energy you need to put up with their nagging about grandkids and their cankles later.
Sincerely Yours,
Twilight Sparkle.
[1:47:26 AM | Edited 1:47:49 AM] Jake: Dear Princess Twilight,
What the fuck is this shit? Are you dipping in the bath salts again? Christ, Twi, Intervention /does not/ usually do repeat subjects, they have many other addicts whose ruined lives they have to exploit for cheap entertainment. The world does not revolve around you, in in that sense.
Seriously though, stop with the crazy-ass letters. You're a bitch, and you're probably fucking crazy (though, admittedly, that makes you fucking great in the sack, wanna hang out, tonight?)
Sincerely,
Dashing in... uh... it's Dash, k?
[1:51:58 AM] Peroth E.: Dear Dash,
How are you getting my letters you nosey bitch? These are private, Friendship Princess matters. This is a violation of my duties as a Princess.
I've already sent the guards, but this letter should arrive first: you are being held tomorrow, in my castle's court, as a spy and an instigator of high treason. Should you be found guilty, you will need to be held and guarded 24/7. Since you are a dangerous pony, I have elected myself to be your guard.