Delay · 8:29pm Aug 2nd, 2013
• By now, you’ve no doubt noticed that E4E hasn’t updated in quite some time. In fact, some of the more astute among you might have even seen that its status has recently become “On Hiatus”. Though I could make the argument that I am in no way obligated to explain my reasoning, and further that, as the act of writing such a work as E4E is strictly voluntary, I am accountable to none but myself on this matter, I feel that such claims reek of entitlement and more than a little bit of narcissism. As such, I will do my best to detail the circumstances surrounding my lack of activity, on the understanding that I genuinely intend for it to be only temporary.
• The first, most obvious reason is a recent and dramatic upheaval in my life, consisting mainly but not exclusively of the acquisition of a full-time job. Coupled with this is a change in my place of residence, which has understandably caused me a degree of stress to which I am not accustomed. As I may have said before, I am an eighteen-year-old college student, majoring in mechanical engineering. One of the requirements of my degree program is the completion of several months of cooperative education, consisting of a (paid) internship at one of many partner companies. In effect, I went from being a dependent and a student to being an independent, working adult in a very short period of time. I do not think it unreasonable, then, that some of my previous activities have fallen by the wayside.
• The second reason, largely as a consequence of the first, is a profound reduction in my available “productive free time”. I qualify it as “productive”, because leisure time, on the whole, has not been terribly diminished. Yes, I now work a 45-plus-hour workweek, plus shopping and cleaning for myself, but the weekends and evenings are still largely my own. However, this does not mean that I can put that time to good use, which ties in neatly to the third reason for the delay.
• I have severe ADHD-PI. Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder is, or seems to be, one of the most common mental disorders of the modern age. It is primarily characterized by poor impulse control, difficulty focusing, and an inability to sit still for any period of time. ADHD is further broken down into three categories: ADHD-PH (primarily hyperactive), where one cannot sit still or remain quiet, instead flitting between tasks rapidly; ADHD-PI (primarily inattentive), where one has a tendency to “zone out” or daydream, and has difficulty finishing tasks requiring significant mental effort; and ADHD-C (combined), where one shows characteristics of both subtypes. There is debate over the diagnosis of ADHD, and over whether or not it should be considered a disorder at all, but that is beyond the scope of this discussion. What I will say is that, as far as I am concerned (and I have the official diagnosis to support it), I have it bad.
• In order to function with any level of efficacy, I must flood my body with some pretty potent chemicals each day. The specific medication I take, fortunately, is extended-release and not habit-forming. I can take it before work, where it will last roughly until I return home. The unfortunate consequence of this is that, during the evenings or over the weekend, I cannot bring myself to do anything productive, including writing. The immediate response to this is that I’m simply being lazy (a mistake even I have made), but the truth is that my brain, like that of any person with a mental disorder, is fundamentally different from that of a “normal” person. This is why I wrote the entirety of SoaP (and the currently-existent portions of E4E) during the academic year; between classes, while my medication was still in effect, I actually became extremely stressed and anxious when not doing something productive.
• Fourth, and finally, I have become disillusioned with the writing process. I believe, and I mean this with the best of intentions, that fanfiction is to blame. I mentioned at the beginning of SoaP that I had never written anything outside of academia before. I had certainly never considered writing fanfiction; in fact, had you asked me two years ago, I would have derided the medium and all its devotees as obsessive, derogatory, and quite possibly perverted. What changed my opinion, I am not entirely sure; the romantic in me suggests that a certain, particularly skillful work triggered a sudden realization and a need to critically reassess my position. If pressured, I might even be able to name the work in question. The narcissist, naturally, supposes that I merely became older, wiser, and more open-minded, which the pessimist is quick to denounce as pure egoism.
• Regardless of the cause, the consequence is that I did, at some point, become considerably more open to the idea of fanfiction. So much so that I wrote some of my own, to (if you’ll forgive the self-inflation) much acclaim. Riding high on the praise, I began drafting out several more stories, including no fewer than three sequels to SoaP. Then, as before, something happened to shift my opinions. This change happened only very recently, probably around the time I started my new job (the possibility of a connection is one I have not overlooked). I once again began to dislike fanfiction, not just those I came across, but as a medium. I suppose apathy is closer to the truth than dislike, but I no longer cared at all to read others’ interpretations and narratives within the context of an existing body of work. Stories I had previously enjoyed became clichéd and trite, and even my own writing turned to ash in my mouth. Putting more of my words to paper, so to speak, seemed an affront to the institution of storytelling.
• The reason, I believe, is that I no longer viewed fanfiction as “worth it”. What point is there, so my thoughts went, to investing the time and effort to a story that is, ultimately, pointless? If I’m being honest, I must admit that this view is not exclusive to fanfiction; I pick up new books or television series much less frequently than I used to, for fear that my investment will have gone to waste. Fanfiction is merely the clearest example, and the easiest to explain. I have never been one to take risks, and it seems I am now suffering for it.
• These are all, to me, serious issues. Until I can find some resolution, E4E will be put on hold. Were I even able to continue writing in my present state, the result would not be anything I could take pride in. I appreciate your understanding and patience, and hope I can count on, if not your support, then at least your lack of condemnation while I figure this out.
Wow, sounds like some pretty big issues. I can relate to a point (I don't have ADHD) but I know what you mean about stories turning to ash in your mouth. I know my works will never be popular simply because they are not clop, shipping, or so random I wonder what the author was smoking when he thought writing that would be a good idea. I can also relate to those big changes in life (more so now than a few hours ago). You see, my waiver just got approved, so I am shipping out to basic training in a few months to become a Marine.
I wish you well in your new set of circumstances and with finding peace with your inner demons, whatever they may be.
By the Tides,
Twi-Guy