New One Shot-Feedback Wanted · 11:07pm May 27th, 2013
I started working on a one shot a few days ago, just something I couldn't get out of my head. I'm using it to keep my writing skills sharp during BW hiatus. Just thought I'd put what I have so far here, just to get some initial feedback on the idea. Please, let me know what you think.
“Nurse, has anypony been in to see me?” The nurse regretfully shook her head at me as I lay in the hospital bed. I sighed in disappointment, rubbing the spot where the nurse had just removed the last IV line from my arm.
“I’m sorry, sir, but nopony has come to see you, and no letters have arrived either.” Another sigh escaped me as I leaned back against the cheap hospital pillows. At least they’re better than my usual headrest, I tried to cheer myself up, but to no avail.
“Maybe tomorrow—” the nurse spoke up, trying to give her elderly patient some hope.
“Tomorrow won’t come for me, I’m afraid,” I replied not facing her, instead looking out the window at the cityscape spread over the horizon. There was an uncomfortable silence; looking over, I saw the nurse’s expression had turned sorrowful, but I just smiled weakly at her. “Don’t worry yourself over me. I’m just another old pony that’s reached his time.”
“Now,” I continued, sliding myself further under the scratchy blankets. “If you don’t mind, since nopony has come to see me, I think I’ll get some sleep. Be a dear and shut the door on your way out.” The nurse looked at me for a few moments, her expression unchanged.
“Alright, sir,” she replied, pushing the cart of wires and tubes and medicines out ahead of her. “Good night.” The lights turned off and the door closed softly, leaving me alone to the aching loneliness of my own torturous thoughts. I looked over at the empty chair sitting next to the bed.
Alone, I thought with a mix of sorrow and spitefulness. With a suddenness that surprised myself, I snorted loudly and looked out the window once more.
“You have no right to feel bitter, you old fool,” I muttered to myself. “At least now you know how she must have felt.” I lay there, my thoughts continuing their customary downward spiral.
Then a new feeling started creeping along the edges of my senses. Before I could place this unusual sensation, a wave of exhaustion swept over me, but it was unlike any I had experienced before. It grabbed hold, dragging me into a dark fog as my limbs were overcome by a powerful stupor. I tried to fight it off, but it was much too strong. As I stared out the window, the lights of the city began to blend together as my vision blurred. Despite it all, my mind stayed eerily clear.
I’m so sorry, were my final thoughts before a dark veil fell over my sight, and the clarity of thought ebbed slowly away.
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To my astonishment, my eyes shot open immediately, and my head darted back and forth I looked anxiously around my new environs. I was still lying on my back, but instead of the drab white hospital ceiling I had been forced to stare at for the last few months, the stunning blue sky stretched above me. I lay upon a grassy field, the unkept blades tickling my neck through my disheveled mane.
It was also much too warm for mid-winter, and the trees and flowers nearby flourished with life. Wherever I was, it was not someplace I recognized, but there was something familiar about it...
“Greetings.” I whirled around at the unexpected voice, but there was no one around me. “Down here.” I looked down, where, to my astonishment, sat a small blue filly. She looked up at me with bright blue eyes that shone with a cheer reflected in her welcoming smile. I responded the only way I could think of.
“Uhhh... hi?” Her smile widened at my obvious confusion. “Am I, uh,” I stuttered out, hesitating a moment before pressing on. “Am I dead?” Her smile almost imperceptibly faded, but the brightness in her eyes dimmed greatly.
“No,” she answered, with a gentleness I’d yet to hear from one so young. “Not yet.”
“Then where am I?” I asked as I once more looked around me, studying the fields and trees that looked constantly more familiar.
“You’re asleep, of course,” she replied with the same gentle calm. “Welcome to your final dream.” I turned to stare at her, but as I did, something flashed in the corner of my eye. A quick double take, and whatever it was had vanished. I looked carefully for it, but whatever it had been, it was gone.
So that's what I have so far. I only plan on it being around 7000-10,000 words, so if I focus on this during my free time, I think I might have it done and edited by next week. Please, feedback really wanted.
This is a brilliant concept! A final dream before you die. Seems a little redundant if I think of this happening before the afterlife, but otherwise I really enjoy this idea!
I love the bitter main character already. The only issue I've noticed is the fact that he goes from laying in the grass to suddenly standing up enough to both whirl around and look down at his visitor. Perhaps a description of him making it to his hooves?