Nicolas Cage Is in Equestria While Rarity Fights a Giant Crab · 10:27pm Apr 4th, 2013

Nick never felt much from the alcohol anymore, but the burning felt right. They still checked in on him from time to time— the royal couple, imagine that —and this was how he thought of them. Nausea hit him. Was it the guilt or the gin? It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered.
Ever since that WHORE Princess Candana stole Shining Armor from him.
No. Cadence was a fine mare who deserved his respect. And Shining wasn’t his to keep. He took a deep gulp from his gin bottle. He remembered the first time he bought the brand; he had been so disappointed to learn that the blue only came from the bottle.
There were other fish in the sea.
He remembered that beautiful moment in the ugliest building: the basement of Evans Hall the spring semester of 1981, when the GSI with the green eyes— green as the conifers of Indian Rock Park —met him before linear algebra and they shared a moment of passion that defined his time at UCLA.
It could have happened. Should have. Nick had seen the way he looked at him. If he had just done it.
Twilight Sparkle’s dad had been caught at the gay bathhouse. Could two broken birds find love— no that was narcissistic and selfish. Delusional. That kind of thinking was what drove Shining away.
He distracted himself with the crab fight. Razor-sharp claws clattered and sliced through the twenty foot steel cage that barely constrained the creature. The crowd roared.
Why they would force living things to fight such a terrible beast was beyond him. Why he was watching it, he didn’t know, and that scared him even more. He didn’t like the direction Equestria was heading. Pinkie Pie getting tenure at Bryn Mawr had drawn too much attention to the land. But Pandora’s socks were already on.
Nick flexed his wrist. The crackling of joints resounded through the room, louder than the crab. It brought back memories. Sixty films and an Academy award later, memories that hurt worse than the pain in his arm.
It only made him laugh at his own folly. The Sparkle family scandal proved that the paradise he had sought in Equestria had never been more than empty fantasy.
If there was nowhere he could run, that where did that leave him? He was in a prison, a cage, of his own making, and sooner or later he was going to have to come out.
He threw the bottle to the ground. Alcohol withdrawal killed. But he got up and kept walking.
He was leaving Ponyville.
Maybe he’d die, maybe he’d end up crawling back to the seedy shithole under Pony Joe’s, but Nicolas Cage was sure as hell not going to stick around watching Rarity murder another crab.

This is what I did with my lunch hour today.