the-mare-of-my-dreams

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/47879/1/the-mare-of-my-dreams/the-mare-of-my-dreams

Before I get into any notes, the one thing to get out of your head is that you are doing anything wrong. You're writing something, creating something and there's nothing about doing so that can be construed as doing something wrong, only things that could be done better, and even then only in our opinions. All right, on to the notes.
First off, there's a lot of really nice voicing and dialogue going on here, from all the characters. There's very little stilted language, and for the most part it flows very smoothly and naturally. The voices sound very much in character with a few notable issues (I'll go into that in a second), and overall the characters were interesting and very much in the style of the show. So, I applaud you for that, that's a very tough thing to get down. The technical elements, like grammar/spelling/mechanics, are all sound. This is far more than a lot of ship fics can say so kudos.
All right, a few technical issues. First, in relating to the voicing, it appears that Applejack's accent comes and goes fairly frequently. There's some "I"s and some "ah"s, some "you"s and some "ya"s. Such as 'Applejack sighed. "I need to sort this out."' then two lines down ' 'That wasn't the friend ah meant,' she thought angrily to herself.' This switching occurs frequently enough that its distracting and throws the reading of Applejack's voice off. Also, as somebody else said there's a few glaring issues with word choice involving Rainbow that detract from the otherwise excellent voicing of her. Things like "I'm no psychologist" and 'Involuntarily kissed her' didn't feel quite in line with Rainbow Dash. There are also a few other word choice issues: AJ saying "How do I break it to her" as though its bad news, Rainbow Dash smirking at Pinkie Pie, Pinkie Pie being fuscia, etc. Just be careful when using synonyms that they actually mean what you're trying to say, because those meaning all feel a bit off here.
Next, there's a few major issues that I'd like to put in here, but for the most part they stem from not fleshing out the dialogue. You write your dialogue so beautifully, yet you purposefully cut it out of the Twilight/Applejack scene and you completely skip the Rarity/Rainbow. With Twilight, there's absolutely no reason to say "and then she explained everything"; you're the author, you need to explain it to her. There's a great opportunity for more dialogue here and we're in the realm of show vs tell. I, as a reader, want to know what it was that Applejack said, how Twilight reacts to each revelation, and how Twilight, the studious professor, comes to the conclusion that Applejack loves Rainbow. None of that is clear, and writing the whole thing out will not only help with the pacing (which I'll get into later), but will also draw the readers into your characters more. Right now, it practically forces them out by requiring them to fill in the blanks with whatever they might have said.
And likewise, all of the above applies to the Rainbow/Rarity missing scene. It may be that you're not as comfortable writing in Rarity's voice or some such thing, but I was really looking forward to how that conversation developed. Skipping over the entire scene left me wondering how Rainbow pinned that down, how Rarity would have reacted. I was pretty interested in how Rainbow would even broach the subject. These two scenes left everything feeling incomplete.
Finally, pacing. Fixing those two scenes will help a lot, but there's a lot of items just missing from the dialogue of everyone. There's 4 friends who just watched one pony divebomb crash into another and literally the only thing said is "Hey, Dashie, what's with your wings?". We're missing the reactions to the crash, the "Are you OK"s, The reaction to them kissing as two of the four know that AJ and RD are crushing on each other. There's a lot of fleshing out needed, because that feels very skeletal. Also, in the realm of pacing, the reactions of Applejack and Rainbow Dash to each other in the last scene don't quite add up. Things like Rainbow going from full out crying to giggling playfully is such a drastic face heel turn that I had to stop a reread it because I couldn't place Rainbow's mindset. There's other instances of this, in the first conversation with Rainbow, the inner dialogue after AJ leaves for Twilight, the conversation with Twilight, the picnic. All in all, the whole story could use a lot more embellishment, a lot more build up, a lot more writing.
I look forward to seeing what you write next, and I hope you'll take some of this to heart. Good Luck to you.
-Duskrider