Hi, I'm Golden Tassel · 5:24pm Oct 15th, 2023
Just "Tassel" is fine, thank you. And please read this as a message in a bottle:
I grew up on the old Internet where the last thing anybody was online was themselves. (and we were all better for it oldmanyellsatcloud.jpeg) So it has never been my inclination to say anything with more than a vague allusion to anything ever going on in my personal life.
But as I write this, I have been going through some shit. And part of how I'm choosing to deal with it is by pushing myself to put myself out there more.
It's in this spirit that I write this. To introduce myself to the world, or at least to just some small piece of it where I feel safe enough to make the words.
So Hi, I'm Golden Tassel, and I'm a changeling. I have survived by conforming myself to fit whatever shape would let me pass by with the least amount of scrutiny, to escape notice and mostly just to be left alone. This has been a miserable way of being, and I can't do it anymore. But it's been such a constant way of living for such a long time that I don't know what to become instead. (Other than to say: "I want to be myself" which is a nice self-actualization.)
Part of figuring that out is writing this out and casting it into the sea.
I have been reflecting on my oeuvre and I see the story of my life reflected in a thousand fragments of a shattered mirror. There is a gaping wound on display, but also the footprints leading off in the direction of my recovery.
To anyone reading this who's been following me: Please do not read this as a "I'm leaving this site and never coming back." I will inevitably stop showing up here, and my activity will be sporadic at best in the meantime, but I will still be around here for some time yet, but really only to tidy things up for when I do eventually move on.
FimFic is not the space for me anymore (it hasn't really for a long time), but it's a space I'm familiar with still and that makes it one of the best places for me to come to just exist while I figure out who I am.
So I write this message as much to my future self as I do for the outflowing tide that I cast it into.
I love you,
Tassel.
Good times homie. It's been a long while
5750685
That it has. I hope you're doing well!
5750721
For sure. I was still in school when I came across your work. I've seen you post from time to time over the years, but I had forgotten to go back and take a look at what I missed until now. Even though it has been that long, it really doesn't feel it. I can still remember it pretty well somehow
Either way, it was a good reminder on how time works. Stay safe, and I'll see you around hopefully to some extent
5750723
I've been wanting to write this reply a lot sooner, but rationing my attention is one of the skills I'm trying to cultivate in myself nowadays. I have always let my heart guide my attention and it has lead me to some wonderous places, terrific places. Regretfully, the inevitable march of Time and Inescapable Entropy are things I have to come to terms with, and I have fallen in love with far too many of the places I have visited and my heart must be tamed.
All of that is to say I also remember that time in my life well--both 'in good detail' and 'fondly'. The Wind carried me past something as beautiful as it was unlikely, and when my heart followed it, I found things even more unlikely and things even more beautiful. It was here where I found stories that gave me the words to speak for the first time in my life. And my first words were Death.
I was in a lot of pain back then, but I had been in pain for so long that I had gone numb to it. But here I found company with others who carried their own pains as I did, who helped me make the words to express myself, and in so doing, excised a shard of glass from my heart.
Sweet Nothings was a deeply emotional experience to write. And while at the time, I had believed that I wanted to attract attention and acclaim for my technical skills, I never imagined enjoying any of that as much as I now cherish a handful of comments that made me smile. Yours were certainly foremost among them.
Thank you.