Knowing when to quit · 7:51am Nov 23rd, 2022
Hiya, lovely peeps.
I quit college.
Or more accurately - I quit the course I was studying. Allow me to elaborate.
In November 2021, I started my tertiary studies in Chemical Engineering. I was fresh out of secondary schooling and ready to start working on my bachelor’s. But that’s just it - I wasn’t ready. Ready for further studies, I mean. Here’s the thing; where I’m from, secondary schooling is a little different. First you take a series of exams for your Cambridge School Certificate in what is roughly the 11th grade. Then you take another series of exams for your Cambridge Higher School Certificate in what is roughly a 13th grade. Colleges in my country take into consideration both certificates when you apply. In June 2021, I got my results for my HSC.
And they weren’t great.
One B, three C’s and one D. By my standards, it was really bad, since I was expecting at least one A+. And lo and behold, not even an A. I had never been so disappointed in myself. I was broken, I was sad and after that hit, I didn’t want to study anymore. I wanted work. I wanted to find employment and make something of myself - something that doesn't require more exams. But my parents insisted. “No job is going to hire you without a college degree.” So I went ahead and applied to the university.
To my astonishment, I was accepted! I was really happy to get a seat. But a part of me was dreading having to do more science. I pushed those feelings aside. I had to do this, I had to get this degree. I put on a bright smile and on November 15, 2021, I started college life. (Online, ‘cause Covid was running loose in my country in that time period.)
From the get-go, classes were overwhelming. My first day had four 90-minute slots, with 30-minute breaks in between. All in front of my laptop screen. The Math lecturer immediately started her lesson on limits. On Day 1! It was all so much - too much - and I felt like I was drowning in a sea of never-ending equations and formulas. I reasoned that that was normal for a first day and it would pass.
But it didn’t.
First day, first week, first month. The feelings of confusing and not-understanding-what-the-hell-is-going-on never went away. I was unable to make friends and ask for help, I didn’t know how anything worked and to top it all off, I didn’t even like the course I was studying! So eventually, I started slacking off. Stopped paying attention, not attending classes, failing to turn in homework and assignments on time. And in April 2022, I sat for my Semester 1 exams.
You can probably guess what happened.
Out of five modules that semester, I passed in three. The other two? One big fat F. The all-too familiar feeling of failure appeared again. I again felt the same feelings I felt when I got my HSC results. I pushed it down tried to move forward.
First week of Semester 2 - being more overwhelmed than I was on Day 1 of Semester 1.
On Day 2 of Semester 2, I was ready to call it quits. It had become far too much for me to handle. In June this year, I went through a rough period concerning my future. I wanted to drop out of college and start working. I sat down with my parents and had a talk with them. It didn’t go very well; Ma and Pa insisted that I need to continue. So against my better judgement, I pushed through.
In October 2022, I sat for my Semester 2 exams.
Now, it’s important you understand that the second semester was far more difficult than the first one. For a number of reasons. And out of 7 modules I studied that semester, I passed in only one. One. Failed the rest. This time, I threw in the towel. About two weeks ago, I withdrew from the university.
Throughout last year, I pushed myself to try. Try to do this. Try to study and get this degree. But I couldn’t. There was no motivation to do it. I didn’t want to do this course. Period. Today’s society has this determinator attitude, you know? “You have to push through; you have to keep going.” Even when it’s hurting you. I was done sitting through lectures where I didn’t understand a thing; I was done sitting at my desk desperately trying to get the homework done; I was done wasting my time on something I don’t want to do; I was done wasting my parents’ money. I was just done.
Quitting isn’t something we should do every time. But sometimes, it is the only choice. When pushing through comes at the cost of your mental health, your happiness, your sanity, then maybe it’s time to pause and reconsider. Knowing when to quit is healthy. It’s not a bad thing to keep going, but not at the expense of everything else.
So what now, you ask? Well, I don’t know. At the moment, I’m taking a break from studying and I’m trying to find work. I have to go back to school sometime next year, but when I do, it won’t be the same as it was the first time. Because I’m going to make good use of that second chance. People get college degrees at any age.
I’m still 20. Life ain’t over.
Everything will be just fine.
I just went through kind of the same thing. Spent 7 years of my life trying to get a degree that I never truly needed and now I decided to stop wasting time on it and just look for a job. There's always time to study once you find something you truly like and want to put effort into because you want to instead of needing to.
Best of luck on the future, may you find something that leaves you satisfied and happy.
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Thank you for the kind words of support.